@actuallyautistics@neurodifferent.me What follows isn't a cry for help... I don't think? When I'm troubled, I often find myself "info dumping" because I can't identify the need that I'm trying to satisfy.
Sitting in this coffee shop, taking my noise cancelling headphones off, I am disoriented.
I'm bummed. Grieving. I'm not sure when it will stop. It's been 18 months since the autism diagnosis and 6 years since the ADHD. With the autism diagnosis came several other "comorbid" suspected diagnoses that seemed less relevant to follow up and more relevant to flag, remain aware of, and manage.
It's just cacophony here.
ASIDE: How did I survive this long without knowing what I am? Working in offices. Public spaces in general. "Socializing". Answering my own question: by wrecking myself almost daily, working/doing/self-shaming until I ran out of capacity, turning into a pile of useless goo, then rinsing and repeating for most of my life.
The man the table over is loudly talking at his acquaintance. The other conversations, their sounds bouncing off of the hard surfaces of the cafe. The music playing in the background. I could go on.
I tried to sit with it, allowing it. After about 30 seconds, I reluctantly surrendered, replaced my noise cancelling headphones and cranked them up. Once again, I withdraw from the world, for my health.
I want to be a part of the world, even though I don't care for a lot of what happens within it. I just don't see how. It's been 18 months of minimal contact between me and the world with curated attempts at more—like sitting in this cafe today.
Sometimes the change of venue helps though I have to insulate myself in these settings. I'm like an alien who needs to don their environment suit so that the atmosphere here doesn't poison me within hours to minutes.
I get out of the house sometimes. I have doctor appointments. I shop for groceries. I even sometimes go out to restaurant or cafe, like today—sometimes even with my wife.
Occasionally, I get in a bike ride but even that requires the reflexes of a healthy nervous system. The days that would be best for me to ride, I find my nervous system too strained and exhausted to trust myself to ride safely.
Most days, I'm at home with the cats. I struggle to start and to complete chores. That's executive dysfunction and other fun autism-adjacent conditions operating on me. And this is with my ADHD medication.
Often, I'll spend weeks immersed in computer games. Lately, I spend most of my time working on personal projects to automate the house, trying to use the tech we already have as much as possible to keep the costs down. Though I often wreck myself on these as I seem incapable of pacing myself, despite having attempted so many times and ways throughout my former career.
I don't have a job. I don't see how to hold one down that won't rapidly lead to autistic burnout again (ASIDE: For the non-autistic readers at home, autistic burnout is a whole different thing from the kind that you know. *See below for more). The emotional labor of employment wrecks me; I know this with clarity now. I can only shake my head, having the hindsight of how I tried to develop systems to help me function in that environment. Torturous. Yet being unemployed, in the United States, is a source of shame. We're taught to be "fiercely independent" and "not to be a burden on society". Also, our social safety net system is intentionally designed to be hostile to use so there's that.
I applied for Social Security Disability a few months ago. So... here I am.
(* Courtesy of my self-hosted RAG system which, frankly, I needed an AI to help me setup because my nervous system can't handle too many of the steps involved anymore without losing the plot:
1.Debilitating exhaustion - A profound, chronic state of mental and physical exhaustion that is more persistent and severe than typical burnout. Participants described being "drained, depleted and fatigued," with their "battery running dry."
2.Loss of abilities - A reduction or loss of previously acquired skills and functioning, including:•Inability to process sensory stimuli (increased sensitivity to sounds, lights, textures)
•Difficulty processing emotions, leading to meltdowns or shutdowns
•Cognitive impairment, including memory loss, speech difficulties, and executive dysfunction
•Inability to perform daily activities such as cooking, cleaning, personal hygiene, and self-care
3.Increased sensory sensitivity - Heightened sensitivity to sensory input, where everyday stimuli that are normally manageable become overwhelming or painful.
Source: Raymaker, et al 2020
FWIW, I've read this and a lot of other studies on this. My AI just saves me time—after investing a shit load setting it up)