Due to a typo, I gained 15 pounds by intermittent feasting
Remote
Quaap
@quaap@toot.io
mastodon 4.7.3Rural transplant, leftish, recovering knowitall, recovering dipshit, dad, transparent, code monkey, metal fan, and so introverted I do not appear on film.
Like a casino worker wearing boxing gloves, I try, but I just can't deal.
180 Followers
104 Following
50 Posts
Joined December 29, 2022
Boosted by @GroupNebula563@mastodon.social
Hey brain: I'm glad that, despite there being "no time to panic", you put in the effort and we got there anyway
Wow, I was so young and stupid. Now I'm much older
🎵 It's the end of the world as we know it, and I'm. So. Tired.
Sorry to break the illusion, but I've been secretly not a smart person this whole time
Sure, sex is great and all, but have you ever tried pretending you're not home when someone knocks on your door?
Pronouncing "Menards" like a pirate who got punched in the crotch
On a scale from [fart noise] to [kazoo squawk], how's your day going?
I use self-deprecation as a defense mechanism. I also squirt ink out of my ass and dart away when surprised
Please sir, it's my decimal system: it's all dewey
So when did absolutely everything stop making sense for everybody else?
Replying to
@Ashedryden@xoxo.zone I've witnessed this several times firsthand with my ex-wife. At one point during her university years she called to say she had passed out at school and I needed to come get her. Brought her to the ER. She's the talkative type and mentioned to the doctor that she has anxiety issues. And that's all it took: woman + anxiety. He blamed it on the anxiety disorder, and he was outta there. The amazing (woman) nurse then told us (in a plausibly-deniable offhand way) that, based on my ex-wife's description of abdominal pain immediately preceding it, it could also be a vasovagal nerve reaction due to intestinal problems which would have nothing to do with anxiety.
Yes, motorcycle riders, I do want to hear your motorcycle at all times when you're within a 5-mile radius of me. Normal annoying traffic noises aren't loud enough, so I need to know that you are having compensatingly good time shifting gears to get to a dumb top speed much faster when you are half a city away from me
Should things keep happening?
If it's tit for tat, the one offering tat is getting a much better deal
Is there a phone number or website I can go to cancel my subscription to 2026?
Slow part: shove me in the shallow wa'er, before I get too deep
Has anyone ever actually met Art Deco?
Hi, I'm Nicole, the crime dog
Replying to
@patrickworld@mastodon.online the thought of Samuel L Jesus helping Bruce Willis has (literally) brought tears to my eyes
Replying to
@Lana@beige.party
*old timey apollo radio voices*
"Houston to Artemis 2, Houston to Artemis 2!..."
"Copy, Artemis 2 here"
"Artemis 2, the guys here on the ground have determined that earth is just too stupid at the moment, and that you should just ...uh... keep on goin, I guess.. ... over"
Assuming you don't work weekends, which is better?
Boooots! Muddy boooots!
Sam and Al are quantum leaping all over the place right now trying to put right all this crap
Celebrate International Women's Day by buying everything you can from a broad
Doing a search for "sexy minecraft skin" is nothing but a low-poly PG good time
https://noai.duckduckgo.com/?q=sexy+minecraft+skin&noai=1&iar=images
Imagining trump and putin in that scene from titanic and putin is holding out trump's arms and then trump says "I'm king of the world!" and then they kiss.
Me at the talent show: "This is really my only talent" I say meekly, while nervously demonstrating that thing I learned once, so many years ago...
People scream "Put that away!!"
Others yell: "Call the police!"
Someone near the back, in very quiet latin: "Notify the Vatican"
@sohan@freeradical.zone Boobies with feet?! What a country!
What unit of measurement do metric people use to brag about their dicks?
Who died and made you King?
...
Oh, I'm sorry, your majesty
"Painstaking"...
Replying to
@Taco_lad I'm not sure the guy going 100 mph on a crotch rocket at 10 pm is thinking about safety