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I keep my fruit in a paper bag so it ripens quickly and I can throw it away faster
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donni saphire
@donni@mastodon.social
mastodon 4.8.0-nightly.2026-10-06Chicago comedian in real life, Internet poster in posting. Proudly hatless. Suspicious of most squirrels. Only wrestles sea cows seasonally
0 Followers
0 Following
50 Posts
Joined August 16, 2018
Pure Toots:
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Relax. Everything will be fine. Not for you, of course. But somewhere, things are fine for somebody
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You can lead a horse to water, but it won’t be impressed. Horses know about water
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I will never log “off” or become more “normal” or eat “less cheese”
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Most of you are fine, a few of you are great, and one of you is the Killer
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Are you depressed or are you simply aware of various situations
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The jerk store called, just to gloat. They're having a great decade
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Every night I worry about 258 things, none of which happen, thanks to my preventive worrying
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This is the last straw. All straw manufacturers have shut down for some reason
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Felt like crap. Drank a glass of water and feel so much better. Infuriating that this works
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That which doesn't kill you makes you extremely tired and somewhat grumpy
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Angry about the things I can’t change, nervous about the things I can
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Going to bed soon, just need to do everything else possible first, and also space out for awhile
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CASHIER: Is there anything else?
ME [whispering]: There’s a whole world out there
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I’m sleepy, but sure, I could go for several more hours of spiraling thoughts
If you're going to make me choose between our friendship and my love of abruptly ending interviews, this interview is OVER
Sometimes I let myself feel optimistic for 3 to 5 minutes, as a little treat
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Perhaps it is bad for our mental health to live in a world that makes us feel crazy every day
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Fans of the weekend demand it be extended across the entire week
I’m not doing my best, but I’m trying my okayest
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Which awful person/institution deserves my witty yet stinging rebuke tonight
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Can’t go to sleep until I think of a foolproof solution to all current problems
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Coping about the things I can’t change, seething about the things I can
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If you’re happy and you know it, keep that information private, weirdo
*gets a small splinter*
So this is how I die
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“Things will probably be normal again soon!” he thought hopefully as decades passed
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A good werewolf is hard to find. So is a bad werewolf. Werewolves are hard to find
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Getting upset all the time is bad for you, which is also upsetting
I have never had a plan. I just show up at different places, chewing on a hunk of bread
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Love yourself the way you love all the other fun things that are bad for you
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It’s so lonely being the only human being who has ever experienced loneliness
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If I could be invisible sometimes, I'd mainly use it to mess with cats
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Dreams: Are they real? Scientists are terrified. "This could be a dream RIGHT NOW!" one researcher screamed
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I’m just trying to have a chill time and eat a nutritious variety of vegetables
I hate it when people in a movie get into trouble. Can’t they just have fun up there
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Trying to stay upbeat and positive about all the unchecked villainy and madness
Sorry I never replied to your text. I just didn’t want to
It’s nice to feel good for like 5 minutes and briefly forget how everything is fucked