@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 1w ago

"Living authentically" ❌ A bit pretentious ❌ Therapy coded ❌ Implies masked interactions are inauthentic/fake "Living with my whole ass" ✅ Whimsical ✅ Resonates with The Youths™ ✅ You get to say the word "ass"

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2w ago

Boosted by @trending@homestead.social

So, as someone transfem who happens to get a monthly cycle, @Autumn@lgbtqia.space reminded me this evening that "you don't have the purge-capable hardware but you're running the firmware so your processor is still gonna send the signals even if they aren't actionable 🤷‍♀️" So I'm just calling this my monthly SEGFAULT from now on.

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 3w ago

Replying to

@Impossible_PhD@hachyderm.io I love that you've framed a good chunk of this around reaction formation, especially as it applies to grappling with other types of queerness. Being poly — I use "relationship-queer" sometimes to emphasize the identity aspect — was the hardest for me to grapple with. Coming out as poly for the first time in my to-that-point-mono relationship remains the most difficult coming out I've done to date. A huge part of that difficulty stemmed from having one of those "dark pasts" you reference in the article. Dealing with bipolar and substance abuse on top of what I now recognize as gender dysphoria messed up the relationship *badly*. It ultimately established and emphasized some unhealthy dynamics that we had to work hard to push back on. That's work that's still being done to some degree even now. Adding a layer to this, there are tons of poly spaces that focus on adapting or enforcing a lot of the unhealthy social scrips queer folks spend so much time tossing aside (e.g. the relationship escalator and amatonormativity more generally). Those attitudes had me uneasy about adopting "poly" as a label, in much the same way transfem stereotypes portrayed in media and online had me uneasy about calling myself "trans" for so long. In both cases, I had to realize I wasn't bound by those stereotypes. In the end, coming out as poly has been at least as important as coming out as non-binary for me. I've built some life-changing connections, both directly and indirectly. I've learned and unlearned a lot about what relationships can look like. And I expect the learning and relationship-building to continue as long as I do. 😅 I wish more people could see polyamory for its possibilities rather than its stereotypes; thank you for writing about it in a way that does that. 💜

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 3mo ago

Replying to

@hollie@social.coop I saw a *ton* of this sort of silence in my early coming out/transition from friends that I'd established before those things. It took me a while to dig through my feelings about that, especially because I had a sense that I might have reacted similarly a few years prior. I've taken to calling this a form of "implicit transphobia." Using the word "transphobia" seems sort of harsh for such a muted reaction, but as you mentioned, this reaction comes from a place of *fear*. I think there are tons of folks out there who expect transphobia to look like hate and to be obvious, but "phobia" is right there in the word. The majority of the time, I think this fear comes from the fact that you (the person coming to grips with interesting gender feelings) are bucking a lot of the scripts they've come to rely on for their interactions with you. Suddenly, some or all of those scripts may not apply, and that feels *scary* to folks who've never considered the possibility of working/existing outside of them. All of that is to say, I appreciate your call to action. It's something I've thought about a ton since coming out, and it's part of why I make such an intentional effort to be visibly queer and talk about my story. The more I can normalize it, and support others in a similar situation, the less scary it becomes for everyone — the "phobia" starts to fade into the sort of curiosity you described.

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Celebrating two years on fHRT

Two years and one day ago, I was in an endocrinologist's office having an "informed consent" conversation. That afternoon, I picked up my prescription, and two years ago this morning, I started spironolactone and low-dose oral estrogen. I was terrified at the time, and my "transition goals" were very different than they ended up becoming. I wasn't interested in breast development, though I wasn't *necessarily* opposed to it — these days, I struggle to imagine a self-image without boobs. I had only come out as non-binary to friends a month before, so there was part of my brain that was worried I was moving too fast. Ultimately, starting estrogen ended up being one of the best things I've done for myself, and tweaking my regimen earlier this year has been nothing but positive. The person in the mirror feels like "me" now, and the mental/emotional changes have me feeling much more "in the driver's seat" and operating less from a place of reaction. There was no way for me to know whether this was right for me without giving it a shot. I'm glad I did, and I'll advocate that anyone else should consider giving it a shot if they're interested. There are caveats, of course, but in the majority of cases, trying HRT for a couple of months won't result in permanent changes, is extremely safe, and can always be discontinued if desired or necessary. I don't like to connect HRT with gender labels, even if it may be very closely tied to gender for many. Lots of trans/queer/intersex folks can't or won't pursue it. Lots of cis folks end up needing to lean on it — "gender affirming care" applies to everyone. I guess the point I'm trying to make is: HRT isn't about fitting a stereotype. If you think it may help you be yourself, it's absolutely worth exploring, but don't pursue it or discount it just because you're trying to fit into the "box" of a specific label. Anyway, here's to two years of building a self that feels like me, and hopefully many more years of appreciating and refining that self.

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Oh my goodness, I am no longer racking and cabling network gear and that means I CAN PAINT MY NAILS AGAIN! 🎉

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

Relatedly, my favorite lacing method looks sexy as *hell* on combat boots. https://www.fieggen.com/shoelace/spiderweblacing.htm - I originally started using this because I liked how it looked, and kept using it on other shoes when I realized it relieves pressure on the top of my foot towards the toes.

fieggen.com

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Boosted by @trending@homestead.social

Perspective: Telling a long-time acquaintance I'm going to Nashville, and hearing him say "Oh, I hear it's a really fun city!" And then thinking "I imagine *you'd* have a lovely time." Thinking about how my wife is worried about my gender presentation on the construction site where I'll be working — being someone slightly fem in a very masc space like that. Being in a state with a poor track record around trans rights. Intellectually, know I'll be fine, and I almost certainly *will* end up having a good time at some point. I'm planning to continue showing up as myself. Nashville is a big city — a dot of blue in a sea of red, similar to where I spent most of my college years. I don't anticipate any issues. Emotionally, though, it feels wild to see a sharp disconnect that wouldn't have crossed my mind three years ago. It makes me appreciate the relative social safety for visibly queer folks where I'm living. Anyway, stay safe out there, y'all. ✌️

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 4w ago

Replying to

@old_angry_queer@girlcock.club Appreciate the follow-back. ☺️

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 4mo ago

Replying to

This space has been an incredibly important part of my story since coming out, so I'd be foolish not to acknowledge the amazing folks I interact with here. I mentioned to someone the other day than my track record for fedi interactions is ridiculously good, and where I've been able to make in-person interactions happen, they've been somehow even better. Thank you for being here as I've figured myself out. If that doesn't apply to you as a reader, I hope you're able to find the same value in this space that I do. Fedi folks are amazing. 💖 Anyway, here's to another year as me — a version of me I care about and like seeing in the mirror. Above all, be you. ❤️ (2/2)

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 3mo ago

Replying to

@hollie@social.coop

Their silence feels less like transphobia, more like I'm breaking some agreement we had?

This exactly describes "scripts" thing I was getting at. You've been showing up in a particular way that aligns with folks' external perceptions about how you should show up. It's easy for them. Comfortable. When you remove that safety, folks get really uncomfortable. They can't lean on those comfortable default expectations anymore. That's scary if it's not something you've had to deal with before. Most folks will just clam up and won't know how to react.

This is almost never malicious. In fact it's quite understandable when you realize what's going on, and I'll fully admit to having been the person who clammed up and didn't know how to react. And…the lack of malicious intent doesn't make it any less transphobic. I like to describe it with a different label — implicit transphobia — specifically to point out that it doesn't have to be explicit. I've seen several non-white folks describe this same dynamic, and you'll see it along class and disability boundaries too. The fundamental origin is the same: You don't fit someone's script, that makes them uncomfortable, and their response is to avoid interacting with you in a way that highlights the uncomfortable bits.

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 5mo ago

Hanging curtains counts for at least three days of my "adulting" quota, right? 😅

Massive props to @Corgisaurus@beige.party for finding the rail system and curtain color; I'm amazed at how good it looks in the space!

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@VegaHarmonia@fedi.rubedo.gay Ooh, I *love* a forbidden gender!

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@xorlou@lgbtqia.space Hey, self-care is important too! 😁

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to on social.lol

Selfie, eye contact

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 1mo ago

Replying to

@captainvellalives@lgbtqia.space But I should also add: The fact that this sort of regulation exists, and the fact that the makers of these toys have specifically avoided confronting it, leading to "grey market toy cars," feels so Australian™ branded it hurts. 😆

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 1mo ago

Replying to

@captainvellalives@lgbtqia.space I loved every beat of this story. It sounds like so much fun!

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

swearing

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

Checked out The Lipstick Lounge yesterday evening, and I'd absolutely recommend it for other folks in Nashville looking for a queer-friendly/trans-friendly space: https://thelipsticklounge.com/ I struck up so many wonderful conversations with folks, and the people-watching is top tier (especially when karaoke kicks off). It's definitely louder than I'd normally go for, but nothing attenuating earplugs couldn't fix. And after being at a construction site all week and sticking out like a sore thumb most places, it was nice to feel in my element for an evening. ☺️ Planning to kick around Nashville proper this afternoon/evening to check out a couple of recommendations.

thelipsticklounge.com

The Lipstick Lounge – A Bar For Humans

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Oh, and here are a few photos from the trip! (13/13)

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@aceofcosmicspace@lgbtqia.space Just an abbreviation for "Original Equipment Manufacturer" that's commonly used in the tech world (and some others, I think). Referring to original "equipment" in this case. 🤭

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@Corgisaurus@beige.party Or…OR…a thought: Sam Reid singing "What can I do for you?" in-character as Lestat de Lioncourt. 🤔

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

Celebrating two years on fHRT (long)

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 3mo ago

Replying to

@Corgisaurus@beige.party 🫂🫂🫂

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 3mo ago

Replying to

Trans/technology/life stuff (long post)

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 3mo ago

Replying to

@stephaniepixie@fandom.garden This is a wonderful space with a lot of very vulnerable stories. To your point, I've learned so much about all sorts of intersections — including gender — from posts and comments like these.

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 5mo ago

Replying to

@captainvellalives@lgbtqia.space 🫂🫂🫂

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 5mo ago

Replying to

@faithisleaping@anarres.family Yeah, my next big self-hosting push is definitely going to require a proper NAS…which is why it's on hold for now. 😅

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 5mo ago

Replying to

@damonology@lgbtqia.space You'd rock it. 💯

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 3mo ago

Replying to

@aceofcosmicspace@lgbtqia.space I'm headed to Melbourne to visit my girlfriend later this week; definitely looking forward to the reprieve from the heat Seattle has been getting. Now here's hoping I don't bring the weather with me like I did last time. 😅

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 4mo ago

Replying to

@eruonna@lgbtqia.space Right back atchya! ☺️

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 5mo ago

Replying to

@Purplegengar25@lgbtqia.space Welcome! I think you'll like it here. ☺️

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 5mo ago

Replying to

@cathos@merveilles.town Counterpoint: If you're "making" and putting thought into your result, it's just art, and we should learn to square that with expectations. I'm queer as *fuck*, though, so there's a bias there. 😆

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@captainvellalives@lgbtqia.space I used to assign hostnames as characters from The Matrix. Networks/SSIDs got ship names from the franchise. I've ultimately kept the SSIDs over the years, but names are much more boring these days (because I don't want to have to dereference that "Neo" is my phone and "Logos" is the guest network 😅).

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@Ninji@wuffs.org I like to imagine the signal cuts out every time someone drives by. 🤭

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 3mo ago

Replying to

@faithisleaping@anarres.family If you're not intimidated by an Asian grocery store and have one locally, you can get excellent short-grain rice. The trade-off is that it's usually not sold in small quantities; if you're eating enough rice to care about quality and have good storage, though, it's worth it. Otherwise, yeah, US stores really don't have a great selection. I will say that Jasmine rice has a floral component that can clash with some dishes. Otherwise, your recommendation is spot on.

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@captainvellalives@lgbtqia.space Good! Glad you're taking the "resting" assignment seriously. ☺️

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@alice@lgbtqia.space Same. Must be one of those days for both of us. 🫂

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2w ago

Replying to

@captainvellalives@lgbtqia.space Aww, last one? I'm here for more. ☺️

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 4mo ago

Replying to on mastodon.social

@Haste@mastodon.social I very briefly considered working for Cisco towards the start of my career. In some capacity, I supposed I *did* work for Cisco at my very first job (outsourced tech support). Talking to their employees over the years, though, I heard very few positive things about management/leadership at the company. The environment sounds extremely competitive, in a very unhealthy way. (Like any big company, this likely varies a bit depending on where you are organizationally speaking.) Anyhow, this sucks, and is an absolutely horrible way to set up an announcement for something like this. It's also, unfortunately, less than surprising to me given what I know. 😞

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@Corgisaurus@beige.party Yeah, I can't compete with that perfection. 😍

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

venting

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 2mo ago

Replying to

Welcome welcome, @sena@chaosfem.tw! This has been an amazing space for queer community for me, and I hope you find it as helpful and inviting as I have. There's a sort of vulnerability I see from folks here that I very rarely see outside of close, established friendships. So many of us choose to wear our experiences "on our sleeve," so to speak, because we're all in this together.

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 3mo ago

Replying to

@aceofcosmicspace@lgbtqia.space Thanks! Yeah, my last trip was November, and it ended up being unseasonably cool and rainy. And, to your point, unpredictability so. 😆

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Ryan Clough

@internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space

· 3mo ago

Replying to

@itzyg@wandering.shop @CordiallyChloe@tech.lgbt SF and LA didn't really have a ton of queer visibility. Lots to do if you're visiting, but not my scene. Seattle and Portland are where it's at out west.

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