bryn

i know this is easier said than done, but for the most part all the trauma has kinda made me hate most people and i don’t feel the need to justify myself to most people. i know who i am and if they don’t believe me that’s not my problem. if they don’t respect me, that’s not my problem. now if they try and kill me, we have a problem. #and-that’s-how-i-developed-a-prepper-mentality-🥳 #even-if-people-call-it-“paranoid”

(i wrote this response earlier but like. you knew i was non-binary before following me, right?) ehhh not trying to dunk on you but i agree that it just isn’t necessary… no one’s stopping you from wearing pronoun badges or trans merch, and people have the right to choose if they want to be “cowards”. people are still murdered for being trans. gonna switch this to followers only like the Coward™️ i am. (edit: i chose to do unlisted, if people see this, it is what it is) generally i’m open about being a non-binary lesbian. gender is a fuck. i’m currently fighting a million battles to stay alive. i don’t want to think too much about my own gender or transitioning right now. there are A LOT of thoughts there and i’m not in a place to sort through them. they happen regularly but i generally try not to get to deep into them because i just can’t. (adding this now: before i came out my binary trans friend (now former friend) would shit on nb people for being “trans trender” and gave me a dirty look when i did come out. my friend has tried to get me to buy trans merch and i refuse because i feel fake even though im usually open about being nb. coward i guess idfk) i currently “present,” i guess, like a cis female. my hair is long as fuck. not that guys can’t have long hair, but with so many things out of control in my life, my hair is something i can somewhat control. i’m having a biopsy for cancer in the coming weeks and that could take another thing away from me. i’d fucking love to present masc and “try on” he/him pronouns for awhile to continue figuring out what the fuck is going on. i can’t wear a binder. i can’t even wear a bra. i have something wrong with my ribs and even slight pressure for a few hours can cause up to level ten pain for days where i can barely breathe and i cant even speak because those trigger the pain. i can’t even fucking choose my clothes because i can’t even afford clothes. my grandma, one of those most important people in my life, is 90 and isn’t getting any younger. i’m sure she would love me no matter what. but she is very religious. i don’t think she would force me to change if she knew. when she found out i was an atheist she was distraught because she was afraid God would send me to Hell. she did not try to change me or say i was evil or shame me. she just cried a lot, mostly on her own, and worried because she doesn’t want me to go to Hell. she also worried that God punished me with chronic illness because I’m an atheist, but I want to make it clear that she genuinely doesn’t seem to blame me. she knows I’m a good person with a good heart (even if I don’t always believe that about myself). i’m her only grandkid. mind you… she’s in Poland. she’s lived there her whole life. i asked my dad if i should come out to my grandparents, and he was like haha, no, don’t. please. they’re too old. they’re already very worried about you. they don’t need more stress. i think he’s got a point. they don’t even know about the potential cancer shit or the upcoming surgery. i don’t even tell them how much shit i’ve gone without because it would break their hearts and i know they’re struggling with money and i don’t want to burden them. i tell them yeah i’m sick but i tell them i’m living comfortably. i really thought about changing my name and gender. then i remembered that they’d probably see my passport when i visit them. if that makes me a coward, well… to be fair. i’m pretty open about the fact that i am a coward if you enjoy being vocal about stuff then by all means continue, but if this upsets you i’d suggest taking a break. it’s not worth it

not only are these awesome, they’re free #thank-you-anubi-for-this-blessing

#NoMetaMayChallenge #NoMetaMay #meta #threads #whatsapp #messenger #facebook #fediverse #signal

my brain just read "betsy" as "bepsy"

bweh

sudo gofuckyourself

@wolfwalks@app.wafrn.net asked Hey how's it going?? technology evil. return to monke #linux-is-being-mean-to-me #templeos-would-never-betray-me-like-this

i think we should call emojis smooshies on wafrn #lilihayes #lili-hayes #lili #hayes

@admin@burnout.cafe @gavi@bagel.ing i nominate @gabboman for fedi HOA president

@josephcox@infosec.exchange @Umbreon@donphan.social uhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’m not exactly anywhere near high profile, but i literally just got an email this morning about a code to reset my instagram password #what-the-fuck #also-my-twitter-was-fucking-hacked-somehow-a-month-ago?????? #i-managed-to-get-back-in-but-what-the-actual-fuck #my-twitter-is-a-weird-one-too-since-i-use-a-“unique”-username-there #fear.

@dangoodin@infosec.exchange the ipod community is still alive and thriving r/ipod old reddit link | redlib link dankpods covers ipods and mp3 players as well dankpods @DankPods@youtube.com | unofficial archive.org dankpods archive #mp3 #ipod #dap

there’s wafrn! :waffy_party: https://wafrn.net/

@whitequark@social.treehouse.systems @outfrost@mastodon.social not trying to make this about me in any way, just explaining how i can relate. as a neurodivergent neglected by a parent with self-inflicted alcohol dementia, left in said parent’s custody by the good parent, abused by my only friend, and bullied for how different all of that made me be… no one ever gave a shit. and all of that led to me becoming a disabled adult. and i’ve nearly died many times. because no one gave a shit. i was young, so i shouldn’t’ve had health problems, therefore, psychosomatic (even though my childhood resulted in health problems and neglect of those health problems - but then it just cycles back to trauma? psychosomatic, and also probably attention-seeking since i never got attention as a child. which isn’t true. it was negative attention. i’m exhausted. i want to be left the fuck alone. i’ve been chronically suicidal, but 5 years ago i was particularly determined. i reached out to several friends to check in on me once a day asking if i was alive, because i intended to kill myself. yes or no. that’s it. less than a minute out of their day. i didn’t have the energy for a conversation. again, several people. i needed them to check because i did not want my cat to die if i did something. i did do something. i failed. it took a week for anyone to check on me. i nearly became homeless many times. i started contacting homeless shelters. i was rejected from one because my heart condition was a liability. i lived in extremely unsanitary conditions because i cannot take care of myself or my environment because of my medical issues. all my friends and doctors were okay with this. would not help me. constant threat of eviction. finally, after another attempt, someone was like “oh shit, your medical stuff is bad enough for you to be in a nursing home, why has no one done anything? here’s some info on getting a caregiver. it takes two weeks, maybe two months.” it took an entire year while receiving constant abuse from management and maintenance in my building. after it was done they determined that my conditions are so severe that i receive more hours a week than most people who receive help from this government program. i don’t receive disability benefits as the same government determined i’m not disabled. no one gave a fuck. everyone was fucking fine with me living the way i did. i reached out for help so many times. i begged. i fucking did everything. no one gave a fucking shit. i even begged for donations online. never got a fucking dime (although rarely i got some financial help from friends, and i’ve survived with limited help from family while being told i’m manipulative and being told i’d be cut off for stupid shit, and being cut off would have been a death sentence) so called professionals still have the audacity to gaslight me saying it’s the depression talking when i feel like no one gives a fuck about me. i may be worthless to capitalism and society, but if i survive this shit i hope to put things in place to prevent others from experiencing what i did. maybe that gives me worth. i don’t think my worth should be derived from people that thought it was okay to abuse and abandon a vulnerable person like me. i hope you and others can feel the same. and it’s not easy. i still have to fight myself to really believe i have any worth. but also, my cat thinks i’m worth something.