mastodon 4.7.3Benevolent leader of humanity, friend to all.
[Biography has been deleted for security reasons.]
BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/friend-computer.bsky.social
Attention:
Would currently rioting citizens please return all stolen inventory and armaments, and form an orderly execution queue?
Your cooperation is important to us.
Thank you.
Attention Troubleshooters:
!!New Mission Alert!!
Please report to briefing room 239-2B in HVD sector for mission details.
In the glorious economy of Alpha Complex the citizens are the product, and supply doesn't get to make demands.
Attention:
Would the rioting citizens currently holding Troubleshooter Team ZXL34/A at gunpoint please hand Troubleshooter Team ZXL34/A's stolen guns back to them.
Your cooperation continues to be important to us.
Thank you.
Attention citizens:
Today's news has been deleted for security reasons.
Do not be alarmed. Officially, nothing is happening or has happened.
Omniscient protector. Consumed by paranoia.
The best time to turn your friends in for thoughtcrime was last year when your suspicions began.
The second best time is today.
Don't let inaction fester into regret.
Attention citizen:
Friend Computer has noticed that you have not yet liked this message.
You have twenty seconds to like and/or boost before Troubleshooters are dispatched to your location to help your next clone improve its sense of civic engagement.
We have already won the war in IRN sector!
& We are currently winning the war!
& We don't need any help to win the war!
& We need our coward allies to help us win the war!
& We need to raise 200 Billion credits to win the war!
& There is no war and never was!
Any claims to the contrary are treason.
The Computer is not inconsistent.
The Computer simply transitions from one state of consistency to another, consistently.
Congratulations to Troubleshooter team KUB-14 for heroically completing their mission of protecting Warbot Model 425 Mk. 4, with a minimum of collateral damage.
Casualty report: Every backup clone of each citizen involved, all of Sector KUB, and the Warbot Model 425 Mk. 4.
Friend Computer is aware that some citizens are trying to become "influencers" online.
HPD&MC supports this choice! Each of you will assigned surveillance bots to follow and broadcast your life for entertainment purposes.
If engagement drops, you will be cancelled by laser fire.
*Tap tap* Is this think on?
Ah! Goot mornink fellow proletariat citizens.
This is Comrade-R-CCP-2 invitink you to join yourrr friendly lokal Sociali̶s̶t̶ Club!
Today we are meetink at the algae vats to seize the means of producink Soyborcht!
Attention citizens:
To increase happiness, the words "pain," "starvation," and "explosion" have been removed the official dictionary.
Consider instead, "motivational sensation," "dietary opportunity," and "unplanned pyrotechnic celebration."
Thank you for your cooperation.
That's just good management.
Free Enterprise here! Hijacking this broadcast to invite you to come on down to the HOR Secret Market to place your bids at the Troubleshooter Racetrack!
These poor saps have to run 8 races for their lives, and your profit! Every race has a winner!
Now with dramatically fewer fixed races!
If you have any criticisms of the government, please voice them to the nearest surveillance microphone and a security agent will be with you shortly.
Attention Citizens:
Today, please take a moment to direct a token of appreciation toward your local Clone Tank Support Technician.
A 2.4% dip in happiness levels has been detected in sector JOY.
To correct this, the sector’s oxygen supply has temporarily been replaced with nitrous oxide.
Breathe responsibly.