Open post 
aging, lamenting youth, trans experience
ive been thinking which is never a good idea and i figured i would reflect on something that has been bothering me whenever it comes up.
sometimes i will vocally express frustration about my age, as you do, and people will regularly barge in with what i assume are well-meaning statements of support. they say shit like: ah but old people still have have fun and experience friendships and attraction and sex if they want to, you can have all that too! they're emphasizing how life doesn't end in your thirties, or how you can lead rich and fulfilled life at any point of your journey. except this is something i am fully aware of, nobody is contesting that, and yet it keeps on coming.
and so, i want to clarify why this frustration, especially as a trans person. im going to preempt this by saying i speak solely for myself, as this obviously doesn't apply broadly, though i expect a number of my siblings may feel similarly.
the reason i lament youth as much as i do isn't because i think there is not plenty of life still ahead. it isn't because i think you can't have fun regardless of your age. it isn't because i struggle visualizing fractions. the reason i lament youth is because when i look back, where other people had formative experiences i see a hollow void. when i look back, where other people had growing up and experimenting and being stupid i see emptiness. that part is irretrievable, you cannot re-experience being a kid learning about the world for the first time because your life experience gets in the way.
so when i express frustration about my age, im not saying it's all over or that life is not worth living, im saying ive lost things to time that most people take for granted.
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