Gwen The Red Moss

Learned that my wife just bites into KitKat bars without splitting it into pieces first and I'm now filing for divorce.

Wow. I recorded my first gaming/YouTube video in months and... Looking at who I was in my last video vs who I am today. Something's changed.

I think I needed to distance myself from my channel. To just live my life without it to really gain some perspective.

It was kind of precious to me. I started it in like 2011. I've been doing this for ages. I've poured so much of myself into it and it gained this importance in my mind.

That importance impacted how I ran it. How much pressure it put on me. Just ghosting my channel for months and discovering that... I could walk away tomorrow and not give a shit. That's really freeing.

I learned that while I just play games on it... I kinda just wanna vlog and shit while playing games. People tend to, y'know, talk about the game they're playing. And yeah, I do that, but I also want to talk about shit that's important to me. So if I want to go off on a 20 minute rant about how a game design choice felt very "designed by men" and then just sit there and feminist rant for the rest of the video... I kinda just wanna do it.

There's countless other creators out there that do service to the games better than me. Let them do that. It's more important for me to point out that the default choice in character creation is male. It's more important to me to be annoying about armor design, or who needs rescuing, or instances where sexism is part of the game and not an element within the game world. I'd rather stop the game and go off about the genocide in Gaza than worry about making sure everyone is comfortable or staying monetized.

And that makes me a very specific kind of creator. A very niche and annoying kind of creator. And... I'm just gonna do that.

Excited to read this. Owl House is fucking amazing and I will never forgive Disney for killing it.

I keep getting emails from my own email address telling me that someone hacked my shit. He says he has all these videos of me masturbating and is threatening to release them if I don't pay him in bitcoin, and I'm really upset that he won't just release the videos already! I wanna see that shit!

Y'know, when I had my surgery and I had all this time to sit on my ass, I really thought I'd be doing all kinds of music.

Instead I just played a shit ton of Jagged Alliance 2.

Now that I'm back to work, I've started working on music again and I'm so frustrated that I spent so much time playing a game.

That said, I think the break did my voice wonders. I was all scared that I'd be all rusty and struggling, but it's actually the opposite. My coordination feels so much easier and relaxed.

So... Maybe it's a good thing I shot the shit out of Arulco for that month.

(Listens intently to the song she's been working on for days)

"This isn't working for me. What's wrong here?"

(ponders what's wrong with it)

"Oh! That's it!"

(Deletes song entirely)

"Much better"

Best Jagged Alliance merc.
Louisa "Buzz" Garneau

When we got off the chopper and she goes "Finally! If we're lucky there will be some males to shoot!", I knew we were gonna be besties.

Don't even care that she's a psycho who will disobey orders and just switch to full auto and cackle while she sprays enemies down. Sure it means she doesn't have the AP to get back down to cover and I've gotta spend time patching her up... But it's worth it 😜

So disappointed that she's not in Jagged Alliance 3.

#Gaming #VideoGames #RetroGaming #JaggedAlliance

Y'know... I've known that ADHD is a dopamine deficiency problem, but never really stopped to consider how that impacts how I function.

How I'd keep gravitating towards shit that makes me angry. Like, how I'd lose hours to Twitter and shit because anger delivers dopamine. Like... conflict makes me happy... because it actually gives me energy to do stuff I actually want to do.

How I need music to function at all in my day. How to start my day, while I love me my caffeine, it's mostly the flavour of coffee or energy drinks that I look forward to.

Like... I knew... but I never really absorbed that information. And like... started considering how to use this information to figure out how to function.

Random story.

I remember being out with my wife, trying to get me some new clothes and she'd keep recommending things and saying how nice I'd look in them. I'd try them and give a "meh" response.

She kept asking what I didn't like about them, or what I liked, and I just kept giving responses like "I don't look terrible, so I guess this works", or "It just doesn't feel like my style".

She got frustrated and burst out with "Well what IS YOUR STYLE?!" and I just kind of stared at myself in the mirror and went "I... don't know. How do you know if you like something?". And like... she looked so absolutely confused out of her mind.

"What makes you feel good?" was her eventual response.
"Nothing" was mine. She got frustrated and just told me to grab whatever and we left.

Just caught myself smiling at myself in the mirror and remembered that moment and just felt like sharing.

Kid is browsing the Nintendo Switch shop.
Looking through sales.
Comes across a game called Jesus Simulator.
One of the screenshots is of the crucifixion.
I declare "oh my god! They included the part where he gets crucified"
My 9 year old looks over at me and goes "don't spoil it for me!"

I think I need to be more impulsive. For the past month (while recovering from surgery) I've basically just lived in my head and it's kind of just made me depressed.

I think I've become too contemplative. Too thought out. I've gone silent, not just online, but to my irl friends and family because I overthink and go "I don't really need to say that".

I just need to say and do the dumb shit when it comes to me... or I'm just going to rot away in my head.

Last night I stood outside, in subzero temperatures, surrounded by snow, jacket unzipped, eating ice cream while looking at the stars.

I might be Canadian.