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Lumen

@myrialux@chaosfem.tw

mastodon 4.7.2+glitch

Middle-aged #trans woman finally experiencing joy in simply existing.

Aspiring musician, I tinker with loops and patterns and hope one day to release #EDM and #ambient tracks/albums.

Love #VideoGames and #TTRPGS. If there's a stealth element, it's probably catnip to me. #Thief #DeusEx #Deathloop #Dishonored #Prey #BladesInTheDark

I also #knit and write the occasional bit of code.

My day job is #SoftwareDev - #Rails, #React, and #AWS mostly.

🐣 2016-08-11
💊 2025-01-11
✍🏻 2025-01-14
💉 2025-08-22

If you’re reading this and think you might be having Gender Feels - sit with that. Don’t run from it. It’s scary, but can be fantastically worth it.

123 Followers

139 Following

10 Posts

Joined March 21, 2023

she/her:

gay af

alt:

@myrialux@lgbtqia.space

Lumen @myrialux@chaosfem.tw

· 1mo ago

I may have posted about this before, but it’s what’s running through my head keeping me up right now.

I was having a coffee yesterday and noticed the sun gleaming off my toes. I’ve got mooncat’s clair de lune (https://www.mooncat.com/products/clair-de-lune) on, topped with Holo Taco’s Polar Princess (https://www.holotaco.com/products/polar-princess), and the effect is “obnoxiously shiny pink metal”.

I love it! It’s unapologetically femme (edging toward high femme), while also having a touch of geekiness. I’m signaling that I’m happy to be noticed for my polish, and that I’m comfortable with a more avant-garde presentation. (No shade to anyone who prefers a basic crème color! Rock what you like!)

In a way, it’s also armor. I know I’ve gotten side-eye from people judging me for my polish. Kinda hard not to notice the tradwife-looking lady behind me in the checkout line scowling at my hand resting on the counter, who glances up briefly before looking away when she sees she’s been spotted. I see your French manicure, bitch. It looks great. It’s just not for me. I need sparkle and shimmer and colors typically associated with poison in nature. I suppose in this way it’s like aposematism: https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/003/277/556/ce8.jpeg The compliments I get on my nails (mostly from female- and enby-presenting people) very often feel like a combo of “I see you and like what I see” and “hey we’re kinda the same”.

Going back to the shiny metal bit, and then I guess I’ll head back to bed. While I don’t identify as altersex (https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/panel-lines), I definitely get it, at least a little. The clean, artificial lines of a mani or pedi, especially when the color and sheen look like something you’d see at an auto show. It feels right in a way I never would’ve guessed prior to my egg crack and experimenting with polish.

I’m reminded of Molly from Neuromancer, her burgundy tips hiding her lethality, as she moved with grace and inhuman speed.

Or, going further back in my childhood, I had a special love for the show SilverHawks (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SilverHawks). Specifically Steelheart, because There Were No Signs. 😅 Metallics on my nails bring me back to that time in my life.

mooncat.com

Lumen @myrialux@chaosfem.tw

· 1mo ago

I should be reading lesbian romance, not fixing an SVG…

Lumen @myrialux@chaosfem.tw

· 3mo ago

Last day of Pride. My first since being out to everyone. (Even if my family don’t know what to do with me, but I’m moving closer to giving zero fucks about that.) I’ve said this kind of thing before, but it’s what I wish I’d heard in my teens, so I’m repeating it anyway. If you’re having feelings around gender that you don’t understand, that’s normal. Sit with them. Listen to them. It’s scary, but running from them won’t work forever, and the intervening time will feel much, much worse. Having those feels doesn’t mean you’re trans. It might, but only you can figure that out. And if you come out the other side still cis? That’s fine too! You’ll still have done more introspection and soul searching than most people. Either way, knowing yourself is a boon. And if all those thoughts land on “maybe I’m trans”? Same answer - know thyself. But especially, know this: You. Are. Valid. I know that feels cliche, and you want to dismiss it as such. But it’s the truth. Questioning your gender makes you just as trans as someone who’s changed their presentation, as someone who’s started HRT, as someone who’s had multiple gender-affirming surgeries. ANYONE who tells you otherwise is a gatekeeping shithead. “But I haven’t earned it!” It’s your gender. You don’t earn it. As the poem says, you carve it “into the side of the world with fire”. If it’s not safe for you to come out, or present, or anything else you might want, I understand and my heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation. Thinking about it makes me cry. And so does thinking about everyone who can’t be themselves because of family or society. But again - you are still valid. That warm core inside that brightens when you think about presenting a certain way, or hearing your chosen name, or being referred to be your preferred pronouns? No one can take that from you. Life may push you down, and it may be hard to feel, but I promise you it’s still there. And when you’re able to be yourself, you’ll still have moments and days when dysphoria and envy and especially regret will thrash at you and tear at your skin. You. Are. Still. Valid. That glowing center is still there, reminding you that joy can be found in simply existing. Please stay. Survive. Your light and your story will one day be the nudge someone else needs to find themself. You may never know you had an effect on them, but they’ll remember you. #Trans

Lumen @myrialux@chaosfem.tw

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@themediumkahuna@tech.lgbt looking at steam with the force of 1000 suns…

Lumen @myrialux@chaosfem.tw

· 7mo ago

Because it vexed me for a bit, I thought I'd share. If you bought an ebook via amazon which was released as a DRM-free ePub or PDF (my latest example is the wonderful Nameless by @Impossible_PhD@hachyderm.io - https://www.amazon.com/Nameless-Zoe-Wendler-ebook/dp/B0GKGYZ2S8), here's how to download it so you don't have to use the Kindle app:

From the main Account and Lists menu in the upper-right, select Content Library.
Click on Books, and use the search box on the right to find the title you're looking for.
In the book's card, under More Actions, there's a Download EPUB/PDF that'll send it your way.

amazon.com

Lumen @myrialux@chaosfem.tw

· 6mo ago

Replying to

@Willow I have memories of transformation fantasies from age 8 (maybe 7) that in hindsight were clearly signs. These kept up as I moved into puberty and college. I wrote them off as a fetish, even though looking back it’s obvious I’ve always been a lesbian. In college I remember saying typical cis guy things to friends like, “it’s not like I could change my DNA, so yeah couldn’t be a woman”. 🤣 I ALMOST figured it out just post college in the early 2000s. Some allergy meds caused me to have panic attacks, but I thought the cause had to be some dissatisfaction with my life. Did a bunch of introspection, including considering and dismissing the idea of being a gay guy, since women are what I’ve always noticed. I never made the leap to wanting to both be and be with women. Cue another 15-20 years of depression and repression. My egg finally cracked when reading a random Reddit thread and a commenter related experiences similar to what I’d had at 8, and how that clued them in to being trans. I then spent 6 years trying to figure out how to handle this and keep my marriage. I managed it, but only because my wife is a wonderful person, and eventually realized she falls somewhere under the term queer. 2-ish years ago I started presenting full time and using my preferred name. And just over a year ago I FINALLY started HRT. Best decision of my life.

Lumen @myrialux@chaosfem.tw

· 3mo ago

Replying to

@maddy@thegayagenda.fans guilty as charged!

Lumen @myrialux@chaosfem.tw

· 6mo ago

Replying to

@EveOfTheFuture I’ve been very happy with https://www.harmonicspeech.com - working with them almost a year now. Of course that assumes you’re in one of the states they’re licensed, and can swing either the cost or the copay. That said - they do a free 1hr gender affirming voice session the first Thursday of every month at 5pm central.

Harmonic Speech

Home | Harmonic Speech | Affirming Voice & Swallowing

At Harmonic Speech, we help you find your voice! We are affirming voice and swallowing specialists with 28 years experience providing gender affirming voice care, and rehabilitating voice and swallowing disorders.

Lumen @myrialux@chaosfem.tw

· 2mo ago

Replying to

@CharlotteEowyn@chaosfem.tw @JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw I had a moment in my previous therapy session that felt a lot like this. I was talking about how we moved to be closer to my mother in law, and to all our friends. But that something still felt like it’s missing. Then it hit like my egg cracking and I looked her in the eye and said, “I need more queer IRL friends”. I’ve known my friend group since college, and while a couple are gay or pan, all of them are cis. I need people I can make a pickle jar joke to without having to explain it.

Lumen @myrialux@chaosfem.tw

· 4mo ago

Replying to

@jenniferplusplus@hachyderm.io I swear a co-op of trans people dedicated to fixing slop code could make bank.