Matt

That really was a convoluted rant from me. Saturdays are really just not my days. All the worst stuff happens on a Saturday. My worst nature surfaces on Saturdays. I wonder why that is? Maybe too much time to think.

After the excitement of last night, I’ve spent this afternoon in my room relaxing and listening to music. It’s been a pleasant way to spend the afternoon.

Woohoo I did manage to go back to sleep for a bit. Wasn’t a lot, but something is better than nothing.

@InfinityBear@4bear.com I think we all have those moments where we are a little bit Gary Doorstop.

@tendegreesnorth@mastodon.au I just feel greatful to have friends such as you who are willing to help me when things get that tough. It doesn’t feel brave and doesn’t feel like a victory, and I hope the changes tonight fix the issues from last night, though I suppose the heavy lifting is done and if I have problems tonight at least the nurses and my psychiatrist are all aware of what happened last night so it should be easy to get PRN tonight and adjust further tomorrow if needed. I can aknowledge that the version of me that was admitted into this hospital 8 weeks ago would not have wanted to or been capable of what I did today. He would never tell nurses he was hallucinating and having suicidal thoughts. He wouldn’t have told them what he wanted done with his medication, so I guess from that perspective I’ve come along way. I know a great deal more about how my mind works and how it doesn’t work. I also know a great deal more about mental illness in general and how awesome all the people going through these battles are. How they are trying more than anyone else to make themselves better people and to fight to improve their lives. I really don’t like that paranoid version of me. Today has been a much better day. I Played some board games tonight with some other patients which was a lot of fun, another thing I would have been incapable of eight weeks ago. Hopefully, I’ll have a decent night sleep tonight.

@tendegreesnorth@mastodon.au I’m sorry again. You were right, I had a medication change last night and things unraveled very quickly. I followed your excellent advice and provided all the details to my nurse. After a long chat we have been able to manage today via PRN and put tonight’s medication back to what is was before last nights changes. Hopefully that will make tonight a fair bit better. I am feeling better now after getting meds on track throughout the day. Thankyou for calling me out on something I couldn’t see. I didn’t realise how much I can swing and how quickly. I didn’t know i was this bad. When I went through it with nurses they sort of indicated that they knew I was that unwell but were greatful for me communicating with them to give them the most accurate picture.

Lunch of bacon and cheese quiche with salad and relish. Dessert was a lamination. All was delicious.

Typical high blood pressure reading, high heart rate, panicked students. Also had the please of having my meds dispensed by students today too.

Think I’ve just lost my job.

I can feel Myself deteriorating in real time. At this stage I don’t even care anymore. I just want this over with but im too much of a coward to do anything about it.

I talk too much and need to keep my mouth shut. I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain in the ass on here. I’ve been doing the same in person and I must be driving every one crazy.

Another unusual development now the quetiapine feels as though it’s wearing off, and that I will need to bring up with my psychiatrist today is that I have started hearing voices in my mind. They’re random, like walking down the street and catching snippets of strangers’ conversations. They’re not constant but odd. Im guessing it’s a medication effect. Or maybe something more serious. I don’t know.

Feeling alone and broken. There’s no escaping from my own thoughts.

@tendegreesnorth@mastodon.au under normal circumstances I have white coat hypertension, where basically doctors make me anxious so I always show high blood pressure. When I came into hospital the nurses kept panicking when I would show as 180/120 so made me start taken medication for it. I did also start Venlafaxine, which I think can also cause an increase in blood pressure.

@tendegreesnorth@mastodon.au That’s a pretty spot on description of how it unfolded. There was another moment yesterday morning where I also spoke to some of the other patients, as I had also said similar things to them about how I thought I spoke too much the previous day. They also reassured me that that was not the case and they had all enjoyed the conversations we have had. There is still a part of me that requires a significant amount of reassurance before I eventually reluctantly believe it. I guess that over reassurance is a symptom of my anxiety and is something that still needs to be worked on. I am serious about the desire on my part to be completely open about this journey I’m on, both because I hope it to be a significant protective factor for me in the way it was yesterday and because i think people shouldn’t need to hide their struggles. Being open allowed you to see the shift in my thinking when I couldn’t and you were willing to intervene. I hope people in my day to day life will also be able to see that change and point it out if it happens again as I may not always have the time and luxury to narrate my day on here. If my being open can help someone else, that is great too. So while I might be sacrificing some of my own privacy along the way, I think the benefits far outweigh the negatives.

@wx1g@queer.cool Yes I think the extra bit of sleep helped. It should just mean that I will get a bit more tonight to make up for the shortfall. I’m very conscious not to nap during the day so my body is forced to make up the sleep only at night.

@Richboy50@woof.group nice. Truly is a great way to relax or do tasks. Music makes everything better and easier.

@Richboy50@woof.group when I’m working I have struggles on Sunday night as well, though I think that is to do with anxiety around work. I think the Saturday issue might be because of staying up late on a Friday night. Its increasingly become clear to me the sleep may well be the single greatest dominating factor in my mental health, so a late night Friday followed by an interrupted sleep and waking up early spells disaster for Saturday.