I love college, I love my classmates and there are a few fellows I get along with quite well, but there is just one I dare ask if she wants to do a group assignment together.
In one subject we get group assignments every semester.
In the first semester I got into a group with lots of luck and a little bit overcoming my inhibitions and then did the assignment alone for the group. In the second semester I handed it in alone, after asking the teacher if that was okay due to my social anxiety.
This semester I thought I'd ask the one person I dare to ask before we even get the assignment. But she already kinda decided she'd do it with another fellow each semester. I get along with the other fellow and I think we're supposed to do it in groups of about 3 people anyway, still I don't dare to ask if I can join.
And just to be clear, because I think this is a common misconception (or rather it's probably true for many other people with social phobia): I don't fear the rejection, I rather fear people not rejecting because social norms dictate not to.
Its not fear of rejection, its a feeling of inferiority. I simply don't want to burden someone with having to deal with me, if I'm not sure its okay for them.
And I know this is completely irrational as this is a written assignment, where the group never has to meet, only send a few text messages back and forth to decide who writes which part (btw imo this is a very useless kind of 'group assigment', but I get why the teacher does it: she doesn't get payed to proofread 26 assignments). Still its impossible for me.
At least on most days it is. The severity of my social anxiety correlates with my self-worth, which fluctuates between self-hatred and indifference and on some rare days it reaches feeling kinda good about myself. On those days I can sometimes do the impossible.
And self-worth again is nothing rational. Rationally I consider myself above average in empathy, kindness and solidarity. But that doesn't help.
#SocialAnxiety #SocialPhobia #SelfWorth #SelfHatred
