HIM: I heard you do a terrible owl impression
ME: When
HIM: Holy shit that is bad
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Sean Kelly
@nutjob4life@fosstodon.org
mastodon 4.7.3NASA reject ⎸ Python hacker ⎸ science fiction and science fact ⎸ /ʃɔːn/ /ˈkɛli/ ⎸ Avatar = me with whatever hair dye I had on hand ⎸ Banner = JWST star field ⎸ Also jokes, rarely original
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15 Posts
Joined March 23, 2023
COP: We got a report you have pot in your car.
ME: [pulls out a flower pot] You mean this?
COP: [chuckles] My mistake. What are you growing?
ME: Weed.
If St Patrick sees his shadow today, it's 6 more weeks of snakes 🍀
Essential oils: what drips out of tacos
"You have reached the acupuncture self-help hotline. Please enter your pin."
Boosted by @troberts@theblower.au
Ancient Egyptians were all, “We need religion” and some guy held up a cat and said, “Eh? Ehhh?”
[first day in prison]
CELLMATE: That’s Flesh Eater Mike
ME: Why do they call him that?
CELLMATE: [whispering as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin] it’s short for Michael
ME: I'm so hungry, I could eat a human baby
EVERYONE AT WHOLE FOODS: [gasping]
ME: Fair trade organic of course, I'm not a monster
ENIGMATIC RICH GUY: I’ve invited you to this private island to participate in the most dangerous game
ME: When you splay your fingers on a table and then stab a spoon between them faster and faster?
GUY: No, I’m talking about hunting—wait…you use a spoon?
#recycledmaterials
[in jail]
GUY: We got just one rule: snitches get stitches
ME: Wow, this is better healthcare than my job
"Meh."
—Apathetic cow
ME: You are quite naughty
CAT: Meow
ME: Yes, but next time there will be consequences
CAT: Meow
ME: You’re right probably not
COP: Can you describe the intruder?
ME: He had a toe ring
COP: He was barefoot?
ME: No he had shoes, but I could just tell
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