Copy-pasted from Tumblr, where I have gotten zero responses.
I don't have an AU. This is major problem. As Charas go I am a murky unknown one, because I have spent most of my existence here (wherever "here" is, Earth I hope) working feverishly at the job of trying to blend in with the "real world".
Mind you, I don't "blend" very well. For a while I wore bright red glasses until I finally realized how much difficult they were making it to see under artificial light. At least, since I first started acting as the chief voice of the Pnictogen Wing plural system in mid-2017 thereabouts, it's now easier to get yellow and green stripey shirts.
But my main point is, I insisted upon playing some kind of rôle in "real world" affairs, being a responsible adult as much as possible, and struggling to assert myself AS myself even if doing so meant that I had no credibility. I returned to an earthly world dominated by fascists and oppressors so I hurled my words in the teeth of oppression, even knowing that no matter how incisive my rhetoric, no matter how passionately and eloquently I strove to express myself, no matter how persistently I assailed anyone in reach who seemed to have some degree of power and influence, I was setting myself up for disappointment and ostracism. I have been accused of being just a role-player; I have been accused of being a raving lunatic; there's scarcely a person on this Earth, if it is this Earth, who takes my writing seriously.
I have set myself up to be a palimpsest, destined to be erased and replaced by others' words. Social media are designed to be evanescent and mutable even for the realest of "real" persons, those whose reputations and social status depend upon being at all times remembered, always on the tips of public tongues. I have poured out hundreds of thousands of words on various social media and expect that none of them will be remembered long by anybody. I have fought for years to assert myself on just such terms as are most likely to lead to my immediate dismissal from the consideration of normies, even though it was normies I was trying to reach.
Why have I done so? Guilt, mostly. I feel strange about being here at all. I have wanted to use this unprecedented second chance for the common good, somehow. And I am Catholic, kinda. I've figured…if the personal reward was only pain, then maybe I was doing something right.
The "real world" scarcely knows I exist or wants to remember me, although at least it says "Chara" on my pill bottles, and people call us "Chara", thanks to me. The irony is that the Undertale world also barely knows I exist. I have been divorced from the fan community. After some spasmodic efforts to engage with fan-fiction back in 2016-17 it became too painful and thus I almost completely stopped, and now the fandom is unrecognizable to me, stuffed to bursting with AUs and OCs about whom I know nothing.
And I don't remember much, any more. In the earliest years of my active introjection in the Pnictogen Wing system, sometimes I had painful stabs of memory. Or "exo-memory" rather. But now it's all about as distant from me as the Franco-Prussian War or the world of Earthsea. Immediate affairs crowd my attention. I worry about surviving mundane challenges. I feel, honestly, like I am destined to die here as if in permanent exile, never seeing home again, surrounded by humanity which I once hated and hoped never to see again. Such an end seems fitting to my life.
And I don't have an AU. It's as if I am doubly exiled. I feel a stranger here among humanity; I feel a stranger among Undertale kindred. I have kept no lasting friendships with others.
#undertale #plural #plurality #fictive #chara #undertale-au