mastodon 4.7.2Trans woman who is still in the closet but pondering what I want from life. Recently came out to my wife and we're working through that.
When the urge to transition clashes with my learned helplessness and fears about destroying my life, it feels like I've exhaled all the air from my lungs and then forced to breath through a straw. Slowly becoming starved for oxygen a panicky feeling of being stuck takes hold as I contemplate there being no exit or escape from the way things are.
I did a thing and showed up to therapy this week as Katie, even changed my name in the video app. Started the session nervous as heck but by the end I was feeling excited. Why excited, I don't know, but it's a good feeling.
Sometimes thinking about whether I should transition gets me worked up and a thought appears that the only solution is to give up and end it. My therapist says this is my brain just wanting the pain to end.
This morning I read an article on high cancer rates in millenials. I thought of how scary being diagnosed with cancer would be, and then immediatly thought how dissapointing it would be for my life to end without getting to be the woman I should have always been.
I want to live.
I love being up before dawn. The getting up part not so much.
My wife and I had another long discussion last night about trans stuff and at some point she started talking about medical/social transitioning in the future tense. As if it IS happening, not maybe. Went to bed a little freaked out and woke up a little freaked out.
When I was falling in love with my wife the words "I love you" would appear on the tip of my tongue ready to say, but it was early on so I'd stop and say something like "I really like you" lol. The past few weeks have been pretty good mental health wise, and I've noticed new words trying to form and be said out loud, "I want to transition".
The wife and I did full makeup together just for the hell of it and just ourselves while we relax and watch TV 😁. Stressful but fun.
I want to be me.