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batkaren
@batkaren@mastodon.online
mastodon 4.8.0-nightly.2026-10-06my mom fucked a bat
6642 Followers
158 Following
50 Posts
Joined April 27, 2022
author:
k.t. roth
Bedbugs actually anesthetize you before biting so you won't wake up.
Now sleep tight, and don't let…ah well, not much to be done there…
I remembered “being inspired” and drafting a post in the middle of the night. When I woke up, I found this:
Gordita Trebuchet vs Chalupa Catapult
Silo
Boosted by @GroupNebula563@mastodon.social
Ask your doctor if sinking into The Bog is right for you.
the mugger stares at me and starts slow-pumping out hand-sanitizer
“You have to fight for your right to party?”
No thank you, young beasty men, I wish only to dwell above the ceiling boards in an attic bedroom with many books and a magical cat.
Boosted by @GroupNebula563@mastodon.social
Lady Gaga, at the Met Gala in a dress made of wasps, spots Björk wearing a hornets suit. Their eyes meet and gazes narrow.
Billy Porter, stunning as a bejeweled hay stack, rolls across the red carpet.
Happy Pride, but especially to my fellow queers who prefer to stay at home and don’t really like other people or loud noises and just want to feel a little Pride inside without “doing it up.”
How is the rate of fresh hells somehow accelerating?
Did someone fall asleep on the fresh-hell-generator lever?
Are you there, God? Will I ever be fancy enough to own a perfectly stocked tray of booze-filled crystal decanters in my living room, like in the soap operas?
“Hahaha, of course I’m not a witch,” I laugh, then sneeze and burst into a dozen bats.
All those songs where men say women were cruel to them—I bet if you asked the woman for her perspective, like 75% of those stories would be about feeling unsafe and trying to let the guy down super gently while backing away with a shaky laugh.
guess whose broker just told her how her portfolio’s loaded
Why so many folks drowning at your beach, Baywatch? Seems like maybe an unaddressed systemic safety issue?
I went to a Sephora and ordered a Honda Accord. They were stunned, mouths agog. It took them hours to recover and finally reply they don’t have Honda Accords. So I gave them a super smug piece-of-shit grin and was like, “Fine. Bring me a Civic.”
WHY IS THE PACKAGING SO FUCKING STRESSFUL TO GET INTO THE WEED GUMMIES
BARNEY MILLER:
✔️ ✔️✔️✔️ ✔️✔️✔️ ✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️
This is the one, The New Yorker!
Oh me? Just refreshing the air quality index site every minute for a time with slightly less sky poison so I can take my dog outside to shit without it being too “killy.”
Spirit Airlines crossing the rainbow bridge, but it has to taxi the whole way
It’s my birthday! Gaze upon my beautiful batdog chewing a toy stick.
If I get bitten by a zombie, do not shoot me before I turn. I want to see what it’s like. Might be a whole new exciting chapter in my life.
In all seriousness, I really hope our mad king doesn’t kill 93 million people today.
the absolute fucking side-eye
Sure, the medication included horrifying side effects with unimaginable consequences, and of course there are far less deleterious treatments we can now explore, but the important thing is the insurance company is happy knowing this one didn’t work first.
It’s so funny to me when someone says “this is just a bump in the road,” because it’s all bumps.
The road is just all bumps
“It's Earth day!” Earth cheers.
“Earth days are only 24 hours,” Venus sneers, “but a day on Venus lasts 243 Earth days.”
Earth’s smile collapses. “Why you like that on my day?”
Has GenAI sought tax-exempt 501(c)(3) status as a religious organization yet?
Superman realizing he doesn’t have any pockets, shoving his cell phone into the waistband of his red external underwear, resigning to it just sticking out halfway.
Wheel in the ground keeps on churning. “Meat,” it demands.
RE: https://mastodon.online/@batkaren/116902640332343598
I assume there are Pokémon stuffed in the back of a ball that are never used, like Ash isn’t calling out, “I choose you, Jigglypuff!”
you kids today—when I was your age, I had to shit without a phone
wow that’s a fucking headline
“Ahhhhhh,” I sigh, sliding into a vat of acid.
The best part of waking up is reading the news and thinking, “at least the time of humans is coming to a close.”
Tiberius James Hooker
Adding “premenstrual” to all my idioms:
“I’m doing my premenstrual best.”
“I’m at my premenstrual limit.”
“Hang on,” the wraith exhales, “I have to file a spectral request for a permit to kill you. It’s… Ugh, it’s gonna take a while.” She rolls her eyes. “It’s a whole thing.”
“This is,” I say, gesturing all around me, “some bullshit.”
sure, I type “lol” in every text message line, but in my defense, I need the laugh track please leave me my laugh track lol
Boosted by @jwz@mastodon.social
The year is 2276, the US quinquennial.
AI Mitch McConnell enters the Senate and votes in accordance with his programming.
I bet the therapist bagel is just doodling little bagels, too, The New Yorker.
OSCAR MENU
(Best Pic noms)
- One Bottle After Another (Beer)
- Sin-Noirs (Red Wine)
- Bamboo-gonia Salad
- Grain Dreams (GF Bread)
- Senti-Lentil Values (GF Crackers)
- Marty Suprême des Alpes Cheese
- Honey-Baked Hamnet
- Frank-in-Sheets (pigs in blankets)
- The Sherbet Agent
- Teff 1 (GF Brownies)
Anyway, happy Passover, and be sure to mark your doors, Hebraic brethren.
Dear Mr. Kotter:
Mitch won’t be attending Senate stuff for a while.
Signed,
McConnell’s Mother
Targeted ads just decided this was the baseball cap for me!