#transmisia

• we met in 1984, at the facilitation we later learned of a pair of matchmaking mutual friends
• we became "a couple" soon after
• she instigated our sex life; me, a confused mid-twenties virgin, who still as yet did not fully know herself
• we moved in together in 1985
• she proposed to me in 1986
• we married in 1987
• she decided she wanted a kid during 1988
• our daughter arrived 1989
• my inner turmoil & confusion had never gone away, albeit it had retreated somewhat during the fabulously exciting process of falling in love, & after
• she decided she wanted another kid during 1993
• our son arrived 1994
• my inner turmoil & confusion began reasserting themselves, but i continued to resist & suppress
• the century changed, the millennium changed, & i was becoming more & more disquieted... time seemed slipping away, & i felt so very lost
• over in merka the twin towers fell, & it reinforced to me how fragile, arbitrary, & brief existence can be... so my inner voices began screaming even louder [not voices in my head, but voices in my heart, if that makes any sense at all]
• early 2002, my lifelong secret, all the confusion & distress, suddenly burst out of me, to her bewilderment interest & questions, and my own utter astonishment
• the rest of that year was absolutely & without any doubt the most awful of my existence. i had never experienced such devastating emotional pain before, not even losing mum in 1996. the process of being insulted, rejected & being fallen out of love with is surely amongst the most dire experiences of what it is to be human
• by early 2003 we were separated, at her demand, & i was alone in a new little house i bought
• 2004 was... the year i finally understood the decades of turmoil & confusion... the year i finally found myself... the year i finally knew my who what & why... the year i began my three-year transition
• me, sitting in my hospital cotton gown on the side of my bed, in my hospital room, in thailand, in mid-2006, on the eve of my first surgery, writing a brief email to her, in which i said 'this is not a rejection of you, but a repudiation of me', by which i meant the wrongly-born facsimile of me that had stumbled thru the decades til that point in time
• she divorced me sometime twixt 2005 - 2009 [ofc i have the records, but it's too painful for me to go look them up now; a still-raw wound that will never heal]
• we've now been apart longer than we were together, which gobsmacks & devastates me. i'll never forget, though i might be forgotten

life. don't talk to me about life

#GenderDysphoria #Transmisia #Transphobia #Trans #TransRightsAreHumanRights #FsckThePatriarchy #fsckALLreligion #RWNJs #FsckRWNJs #FsckChristoFacists #ChangeTheSystem #FuckAroundAndFindOut #Misanthropy #TransRepresentation #transwoman #transwomen #transkids