🦜 The Beaverton

Nestlé worried AI will destroy world’s water supply before they do www.thebeaverton.com/2025/11/nestle-worried-ai-will-destroy-worlds-water-supply-before-they-do VEVEY, SWITZERLAND – Nestlé executives gathered from around the world to announce their grave concern regarding the impact that artificial intelligence’s water consumption will have on their own ability to eradicate the world’s supply of potable water.…

Local woman totally not jealous of woman who got to leave Earth

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/04/local-woman-totally-not-jealous-of-woman-who-got-to-leave-earth

LONGUEUIL, QC – A local woman is totally not jealous of Christina Koch, the NASA astronaut who now holds the record for being the woman farthest away from Earth. Katherine Walker, 36, announced her completely unresentful status while discussing the latest…

Five reasons MPs keep leaving my party that have absolutely nothing to do with me

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/04/five-reasons-mps-keep-leaving-my-party-that-have-absolutely-nothing-to-do-with-me

By: Pierre Poilievre Good afternoon my fellow Canadians, except the ones I don’t like: This morning, Conservative MP Marilyn Gladu crossed the floor to Mark Carney’s traitorous, thievery-loving Liberals. Predictably, the mainstream media has begun writing…

Hungary admits it voted out Orbán just to see look on JD Vance’s face www.thebeaverton.com/2026/04/hungary-admits-it-voted-out-orban-just-to-see-look-on-jd-vances-face BUDAPEST ― The Central European nation of Hungary celebrated the victory of Péter Magyar today, and specifically, the accompanying incredibly silly scowl it put on JD Vance’s already perpetually-silly and scowling face. “It’s not as if I was gonna vote for…

Trump clarifies that civilization he intends to end is America

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/04/trump-clarifies-that-civilization-he-intends-to-end-is-america

WASHINGTON, DC – Following criticism that he has reneged on his promise to end “a whole civilization,” as detailed in one of his many irate posts about the Iran war, US President Donald Trump has taken to social media to clarify that the post has been…

Party that exists only to obtain power not sure what to do now

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/04/party-that-exists-only-to-obtain-power-not-sure-what-to-do-now

OTTAWA – Following two by-election wins that have allowed the Liberal Party of Canada to finally cement an electoral majority, Prime Minister Mark Carney has admitted that the party has absolutely no further plans for governing. “Every single part of our…

Humble Premier buys private jet second-hand

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/04/humble-premier-buys-private-jet-second-hand

QUEEN’S PARK – Salt-of-the-earth Ontarian Premier Doug Ford acknowledged that the province had made the ultimate sacrifice of getting him a used private jet for the discounted price of just $28.9 million. The province considered several options for this…

Alberta announces move to 1950s time

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/04/alberta-announces-move-to-1950s-time

EDMONTON — After weeks of speculation, Alberta’s United Conservative government has announced that the province will be moving to the 1950s on a full-time basis. “Many Albertans just aren’t comfortable with the current times,” a UCP spokeswoman said. “The…

Alberta separatists separate Albertans from their privacy

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/05/alberta-separatists-separate-albertans-from-their-privacy

EDMONTON — The Centurion Project, an Alberta separatist organization, has been accused of illegally accessing the personal information of nearly three million voters, in a patriotic display of separating Albertans from their privacy. “Whether it’s Alberta…

Vancouver Scientology speedrunning event attacked by sprinting Tom Cruise

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/05/vancouver-scientology-speedrunning-event-attacked-by-sprinting-tom-cruise

VANCOUVER – Explosions rocked Vancouver’s downtown core Saturday afternoon as dozens of TikTokers forced their way into the Church of Scientology, only to be repelled by the force of actor Tom Cruise sprinting through the crowd. The dynamic force of…

Armageddon 2: Asteroid saves Earth from U.S. in Michael Bay sequel

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/05/armageddon-2-asteroid-saves-earth-from-u-s-in-michael-bay-sequel

LOS ANGELES –  Twenty-eight years after Bruce Willis and a ragtag crew of oil drillers saved humanity from cosmic annihilation, Hollywood is finally answering the question nobody asked: What if the asteroid was actually the good guy? Touchstone Pictures…

The Beaverton interviews an Alberta Separatist

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/05/the-beaverton-interviews-an-alberta-separatist

Albertan separatists say they have the signatures necessary to force a referendum on the issue. We sat down with Keith Greengrass, a prominent advocate for an independent Alberta, to understand more about the movement. The Beaverton: Thank you for your…

Local woman looking forward to 23 days between harsh winter and uncontrollable wildfires

www.thebeaverton.com/2026/05/local-woman-looking-forward-to-23-days-between-harsh-winter-and-uncontrollable-wildfires

GRAND PRAIRIE – With spring finally underway, 34-year-old resident Inna Bondaruk reports she is looking forward to enjoying the approximately 23 days of tolerable weather between the end of a harsh, unforgiving winter and the start of terrifying,…

Carney assures Canadians that AI the fastest way to give all our money to US billionaires www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/carney-assures-canadians-that-ai-the-fastest-way-to-give-all-our-money-to-us-billionaires OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark has unveiled his new federal AI strategy, promising Canadians that artificial intelligence technology is the most advanced, efficient way to surrender all of our collective wealth to US Tech oligarchs. “AI is the technology of…

$50 mil for 24 Sussex repairs to be fundraised by Carney starting OnlyFans www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/50-mil-for-24-sussex-repairs-to-be-fundraised-by-carney-starting-onlyfans “How is this money gonna get raised, they’ll pass the hat? GoFundMe? OnlyFans?” On this special Pride Month episode, Ian MacIntyre (designated ally, he/him) is joined by a special All-Guest Panel: Alix Markman (Astrid & Lily Save The World, Gotham Knights,…

Officials announce new AI Data Centres to calculate why heat dome happening www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/officials-announce-new-ai-data-centres-to-calculate-why-heat-dome-happening OTTAWA – With much of Canada and the United States gripped by an unseasonal heat wave, federal officials have announced construction of new natural-gas-intensive data centres, aimed at using artificial intelligence to solve the mystery of the high…

Mark Carney promises to take climate change seriously once every other problem on Earth is solved www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/mark-carney-promises-to-take-climate-change-seriously-once-every-other-problem-on-earth-is-solved OTTAWA – After receiving criticism this week for abandoning the Trudeau-era climate plan, Prime Minister Mark Carney has assured Canadians worried about the already deadly effects of global warming that he will start taking the dangers it poses seriously,…

U.S. “We demand Canada stop this alcohol boycott that isn’t working and also we don’t even care” www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/u-s-we-demand-canada-stops-this-alcohol-boycott-that-isnt-working-and-we-dont-even-care WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. lawmakers are demanding several Canada provinces not only stock their spirits again, but also formally acknowledge that the anti-tariff boycott wasn’t working at all and that the Americans were “not even a little bit angry over it…

Mark Carney asks climate to stop changing until Alberta quits bugging him www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/mark-carney-asks-climate-to-stop-changing-until-alberta-quits-bugging-him “Just give us a few years and I’m sure Albertans will calm down.” (Clare Blackwood and Ian MacIntyre) talk about Danielle Smith getting not one but two pipelines, Carney saying we don’t have time for the environment in the middle of a massive heat wave,…

Cackling publisher translates all of book except title www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/cackling-publisher-translates-all-of-book-except-title A SECRET SUBTERRANEAN LAIR IN AN UNSPECIFIED PENGUIN RANDOM HOUSE OFFICE ― Stifling maniacal shouts of dastardly glee and stroking a white cat on his lap, editor Iago Heep sent the final copy to print of a newly translated Penguin Classics edition of the…

Republicans transfer Lindsey Graham’s remaining life force to Mitch McConnell www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/republicans-transfer-lindsey-grahams-remaining-life-force-to-mitch-mcconnell WASHINGTON D.C. – Under the terms of the contract signed ten years ago, President Trump ordered his longtime ally Lindsay Graham to undertake the sacred ritual of transferring his life’s essence to fellow Senator Mitch McConnell. Sources report this will…

“I would never have agreed to be a diplomat in Canada if I knew I’d have to be diplomatic to Canadians,” says Pete Hoekstra www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/i-would-never-have-agreed-to-be-a-diplomat-in-canada-if-i-knew-id-have-to-be-diplomatic-to-canadians-says-pete-hoekstra OTTAWA – Tensions between Canada and the United States flared this week when US Ambassador Pete Hoekstra was captured on a live microphone admitting that he regretted his decision to accept a diplomatic post in Canada, citing his lack of interest in being…

Doug Ford vows to fight wildfires by building as many new spas as necessary www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/doug-ford-vows-to-fight-wildfires-by-building-as-many-new-spas-as-necessary QUEEN’S PARK – As thick smoke blankets Ontario skies, Premier Doug Ford has declared that he will divert public funds to as many private spa facilities as it takes to douse the raging wildfires. “Folks, this smoke situation is so bad that I nearly cut…

U.S. Treasury unveils its Loony coin design www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/u-s-treasury-unveils-its-loony-coin-design WASHINGTON, D.C. – The US Treasury Department has unveiled its own unique one dollar coin, officially nicknamed the “Loony.” Unlike Canada’s Loonie, which features a calming image of the mid-size aquatic bird floating in a peaceful northern lake, the U.S.…

Meet the Canadian civil servant responsible for sending our wildfire smoke to the U.S. www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/meet-the-canadian-civil-servant-responsible-for-sending-our-wildfire-smoke-to-the-u-s With wildfire smoke drifting down from Canada into Michigan, New York and other states, numerous Americans have once again taken to social media to complain about Canada ruining their summers and “sending” our smoke to them. And they’re right. So we at The…

Trump incensed at Canadian wildfires for not blowing smoke up his ass www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/trump-incensed-at-canadian-wildfires-for-not-blowing-smoke-up-his-ass WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump is furious at Canadian wildfires blowing smoke everywhere but up his ass. “This is absolutely unacceptable behaviour from the Canadian environment,” Trump said as he lit his own country’s climate change plans…

Canadians just so goddamn tired of this bullshit www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/canadians-just-so-goddamn-tired-of-this-bullshit CANADA – Canadians across the country have collectively unleashed a sigh of agonized frustration while simultaneously stating “Again with this bullshit?” “Help me out in understanding this. He’s really fucking going back to this goddamn well again?” cursed…

Andrew Tate slowly realizing exclusive new manosphere actually jail www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/andrew-tate-slowly-realizing-exclusive-new-manosphere-actually-jail MIAMI – Controversial online men’s influencer Andrew Tate, as well as his brother Tristan, is gradually realizing that the elite new manosphere club he has been ushered into is in fact a federal penitentiary while he awaits extradition to the UK on sex…

Shopify announces customers can use promo code PLUTOCRACY for 10% off all orders www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/shopify-announces-customers-can-use-promo-code-plutocracy-for-10-off-all-orders TORONTO – In the wake of CEO Tobi Lutke endorsing an electoral system in which votes are allocated based on how much income tax you pay, e-commerce platform Shopify has announced that customers can put in promo code PLUTOCRACY for 10% off any order on any…

Jared Leto struggling to think of ways he could have made creepiness more evident www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/jared-leto-struggling-to-think-of-ways-he-could-have-made-creepiness-more-evident HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a new BBC report accusing actor Jared Leto of sexually assaulting four women when they were underage, the film star has responded by questioning what further actions he could have undertaken to telegraph that he was a notorious…

Canadians overwhelmingly demand wealth tax after Kevin O’Leary says it will make him move away www.thebeaverton.com/2026/08/canadians-overwhelmingly-demand-wealth-tax-after-kevin-oleary-says-it-will-make-him-move-away OTTAWA – Pollsters report a split among Canadians over the idea of higher tax on the assets of wealthy individuals, though support skyrockets after noting that Kevin O’Leary has vowed that he will respond to a wealth tax by moving far away. With the…

Canadians relieved they won’t be forced to fly Air Canada www.thebeaverton.com/2026/08/canadians-relieved-they-wont-be-forced-to-fly-air-canada CALGARY – With news of the WestJet strike ending, Canadians are reportedly relieved that they won’t be forced to fly with the nation’s most terrifying airline: Air Canada. The sense of dread caused by the prospect of having to fly Air Canada crept across…