ThatSexToyGuy

good things to say after sex:

1. thank you
2. i enjoyed the sex
3. do you think the dyatlov pass incident was a yeti
4. what was it then
5. what was it

brands need to stop telling me to "be part of the movement"

i don't care about your mission statement

your mission is to sell trousers

my mission is to wear trousers

let's not make a rube goldberg machine about it ok

the problem with people who say "if you want me at my best you have to accept me at my worst" is that their worst tends to be way worse than you should accept and their best is still pretty bad

"can we just hop on a quick call"

can you just hop off a quick bridge

sorry i yelled PREPARE FOR RAMMING SPEED while we were having sex

"actually I resigned last year but the boss never reads his emails" is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in an office, like an actual punchline

are they gonna change the name of Apple now that Tim Apple is leaving

finance hack: save money on beef jerky by buying beef and jerking it off yourself

oh noooo... my old company LELO has released a red-light therapy vibrator, the implication being that it might help "tighten" the vagina. They don't say that explicitly, but that's what they're hinting at. All of the "science" behind this is nonsense that exploits imaginary insecurities.

some days i want to be an ambitious and successful business owner and some days i want to be speeding down an icy siberian highway in a lada 2105 with a rusty revolver in the glovebox

oh so you're a web designer huh ok design me a web

if anything there are TOO MANY hours in a day

hey guys its your girl pandora, oh my gosh im like so excited to do this unboxing with you today

one of my hobbies is calling up businesses i don't work at and telling them i quit

haven't had sex for so long that i went to a llama sanctuary just so something would spit in my mouth

When my dad turned 60 he decided to run a kilometer every day. Fair play to the old git, he's probably somewhere near Minsk by now

i have a feeling melania's about to fall down the stairs all the way to the golf course, know what i mean like

call me scrub daddy the way im accumulating bacteria

@Kierkegaanks@beige.party omg you're right, very conceptual and deeply thematic. Might have to turn it into a short story

This is an amazing photo from the AFP (taken today in southern Beirut)

pharmacy girl asked me how my day was going while she put the antibiotics on the counter. "Not so good ive got chlamydia again" i told her

gonna call my first child Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice and insist everyone say it in full

it's because

celt fruit, might delete later

spread YOUR sheet in a minute

If being sexy was a crime I'd be in jail, for tax evasion

well well well if it isn't the emotions i've been suppressing

my five-year business strategy is to find an old pirate's chest full of gold doubloons

stumbled across a band called Retained Surgical Instrument and they're terrible but credit where it's die for that name

cut my cake into pieces
this is my lemon torte
decoration, no kneading
put it in the fridge and it sets without heating
this is my lemon torte

ok hear me out.

jurassic park prequel about john hammond's flea circus.

well sure looks like i picked the wrong day to quit shooting carfentanil up my dickhole

actually here in england we call him jesus crisps

*a thousand spiders in a trenchcoat walks in*

im here about the we development job youre advertising

@acesfunhouse@kinkycats.org sorry about that

guh why they have to make weights so heavy