Saw this. Laughed.
Realised all science should be explained through the medium of cats.
(Alt text 1900 words)
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Bradley C. Williams
@bradders@mastodon.au
mastodon 4.7.2Author, philosopher, seeker of truth, part-time lobster fancier and madman in potentia.
45% Cheese (Red Leicester), 10% snail slime, 45% "unclassifiable substance 11F".
Exiled King of the Nation of Procrasti.
Voted 'most likely to get his fingers trapped in a Venus Fly Trap through ill-advised poking'.
May be human, test results pending.
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Joined January 07, 2026
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bradodon@corvusnet.co.uk
In the days of the second reign of the one who becomes known as the purple tortoise, there will come a stranger out of the west.
They will find the black snake of Ussbee in the second box down in the stack of boxes which slide in and out of the wall on tiny wheels in the room containing cooking implements and tools.
This box will become known as 'Secondrawerdowninthekitchen' and it should be feared by all God fearing souls as the box of Pandora is.
And they will speak in tongues and use strange words unknown to civilised men.
They will say:
"Bugger me, Frida, you know this 'ere cable, the one with the weird connector on one end, the one that seems to have been here forever and we never knew what it was for? It's only for that rechargeable torch me nan gave us a few Christmassessesses ago innit!"
And their companion will nod appreciatively and exclaim,
"Bloody hell! So it is! Now if we can only find out what that weird switch next to the light switch does, we'll be laughing!"
And men may one day become aware of what that 'switch' does, and we'll all die and the Earth will be destroyed by fire and brimstone.
I self published a book on Amazon.
Once Amazon took their cut of the sales, I earned the princely sum of £2.78 which helped me put another wing on the east part of the mansion.
To rub salt into the wounds of all those who paid hard earned money for it, I have now removed the book from sale on Amazon and published it on my website where anyone can now read it, if they want to, free of charge, gratis, no moolah required.
It’s in its original state before Amazon’s censorship software forced me to remove all the swearing which, in my opinion, definitely took something away from the dialogue as I had to come up with non-sweary words, phrases and insults etc. and most of that just sounded stupid.
Also, universe.
I’m so sorry.
I know it was pants.
It is far from my best work.
It is silly, stupid and has no real plot. It’s basically just a collection of ridiculous jokes and running gags.
The truth of the matter is I wrote that story straight off the top of my head, in a few hours a day over the course of about a week.
I had no idea of the plot and just made it up as I went along.
It was written for a bit of a laugh in the first place and was never meant to be published. It was only meant for the eyes of the real people the characters are (very loosely) based on.
I spent more time designing the cover than I did writing the book.
So why did I publish it?
Amazon launched a competition for new authors and I published that steaming pile of shit for entry into that competition. I knew it stood little chance of winning, but even a tiny fraction of a chance is better than no chance at all.
You see, I am a world class procrastinator and I get distracted very easily. I have ideas, start writing and then get distracted by a shiny, new idea and start working on that.
That stupid story is the only one I ever finished.
But it might give someone with the same infantile sense of humour I have a bit of a giggle.
https://corvusnet.co.uk/making-waves/
#humor #humour #funny #stupid #freeread
I would really love someone to explain to me the logic behind judging people by the way they look.
I guess we all do it to a degree, even if we don’t like to admit it.
Like, that guy who looks like a zombie; drawn, yellow, two black eyes, no nasal septum because he has snorted too much meth, clear outline of a knife in his pocket.
That guy comes to an interview for a childminding position, maybe it’s okay to have second thoughts about hiring him, know what I mean?
There are extreme cases where it’s arguably acceptable to judge by appearance, and we all do it.
I’m talking about the other stuff. Racism, genderism (is that even a word), that sort of thing. Why?
I remember when I was young, I got a lot of stick from peers for liking glam rock.
Early G ‘n R and Bon Jovi, Hanoi Rocks, Faster Pussycat, Helloween, Poison and, probably the best example, Tigertailz
“Eww, they look like girls!”
“You must be a poofter!”
Hey. Their words, not mine. I grew up in an impoverished mining town in the north of England. Tolerance was not high on the agenda.
My Dad was the sort of guy who thought garlic bread was ‘mucky foreign food’. His method of dealing with an injury was to spit on it and rub it with his hand.
When I was about 7 years old, I crashed my bike into a fence. A piece of jagged, rusty wire ripped into the skin right beside my eye. I turned up at home with this piece of wire still hanging out of my eye socket, a massive gash and blood everywhere.
My Dad grabbed the wire and just yanked it out. He soaked up the blood with a rag and told me to walk it off.
That’s the sort of people who lived in my hometown.
So when I started loving the music of those glam rock bands, I suffered a lot of name calling and derision.
And I never understood it.
It’s music. You use your ears. What difference does it make what they look like?
How does the way someone looks make any difference at all?
I don’t understand people whose minds work like that.
Whenever a song from Creedence Clearwater Revival plays via Spotify, I am greeted by this image of the band and every single time, it freaks me out.
Is it just me?
Or does CCR bear more than a passing resemblance to comedian Colin Mochrie, a young Steve Martin, Jim Martin of Faith No More and actor Robert Lindsay?
Have I stumbled upon some weird conspiracy?
Replying to
@tuban_muzuru@beige.party
He begs the ham, he bags the ham, he hides the ham beneath the jam.
Is it possible that Donald's issue with Iran is because the word looks a bit like trans and he really don't like it?
Stupid, ginger monkey that he is.
Replying to
@wolf@metalhead.club
We had this 32 inch Toshiba monster with massive speakers on the side!
Needed a forklift to move it.
When a big storm came through, we were glad of that TV because it stopped the house being blown away.
I think it stopped the Earth being pulled out of orbit by Planet Nibiru in 2003.
It's.Still.Alive.Today.
Does anyone else ever sneeze so hard that the world changes?
I swear I have sneezed so hard sometimes that the sheer power of that sneeze altered the fabric of reality itself.
Before the sneeze, we all lived on Mars, spoke French and enjoyed collecting thimbles.
After the sneeze, we all inhabit this weird Earth place, only the French say 'merci' and no one even remembers what a thimble is.
Imagine being born without nostrils!
That would really stink.
I guess, the tubes and pipes and what have you to facilitate the breathing through nose mounted vents would still be there.
Otherwise you wouldn’t be able to breathe at all and the fact that you had no nostrils would be the least of your problems.
So, I guess you could have some artificial nostrils surgically implanted.
But what do artificial nostrils look like?
They’re just holes. How would you find them? How would you even make them?
Possibly, there’s a huge medical warehouse somewhere with boxes and boxes of prosthetic whatnots and whojimmits, and there’s a whole shelf full of artificial nostrils, but they just look like empty boxes.
Maybe some chancer robbed that warehouse one stormy night, hoping to make a killing on the black market, and in their haste, just picked up all the boxes of artificial nostrils.
When they got home and examined their booty, they thought they had just nicked empty boxes and flew into a tantrum, scattering the boxes all over the room.
Maybe that’s why artificial nostrils aren’t a thing.
The entire world’s supply of artificial nostrils are lying all over the living room floor of ‘Dodgy Frank’ and nobody nose (ha ha) they’re there.
Frank has visited his doctor multiple times for weird sensations in his feet that have no explanation and, in reality, he’s just been stepping on all the artificial nostrils.
Makes you think, doesn’t it?
In stark contrast to his more homicidally inclined brother, 'Big Cuddly Joe' infiltrates your dreams towing a hand cart full of kittens and puppies and lets you pet them all before handing you a '99' ice cream with TWO full sized flakes and competently plays 'Moonlight Sonata' on the violin while you eat it.
It was a good bridge. Sturdy. Well built. The mandate was to hold 1kg, which it did with ease. 2kg, 4kg, and it didn't even wobble. We gave up testing after that.
It was a good bridge.
But the only place it led to was frustration and confusion. It led to desperately trying to explain to an 11 year old how suspension bridges work.
It led to the realisation of how apathetic 'almost teenagers' are when it comes to science and other boring shit.
It led to the realisation that I was the same way at that age and that I should really apologise to my parents.
The cycle continues.
Why is it so hard to teach kids?
Why does the statement 'I fucked my life, don't fuck yours' go right over their heads?
The bridge was a test to get into an enhanced STEM science curriculum.
An admirable system to teach kids real stuff that actually matters rather than wasting time on drama, dance, how to be a youtuber and languages like Spanish.
(I mean, seriously, Spanish?
This is fucking Australia. When the hell is a kid from Australia ever going to need to know Spanish?
Not Japanese or Mandarin, which might actually be useful in this hemisphere. Fucking Spanish!)
But the interest wasn't there. And without interest, learning becomes impossible.
I ended up building most of it myself.
We could have lied and possibly cheated our way into the STEM course, but we are at least semi-responsible and couldn't do that.
So after spending a few hours building the bridge and many, many more hours trying to explain the principles behind its construction, we destroyed it.
Our uninterested pre-teen didn't get into the STEM course and that was that.
School doesn't really work.
It's at the wrong time of their lives.
You can't really teach kids what matters when all they can think about is fun, the opposite sex and media in whatever form.
I understand that school also works as a child minding service because people have to work, but its a fucked up system and I don't like it.
#kids #society
Replying to
@libreoffice@fosstodon.org
And the all powerful lord of the internet rose from his ancient and dusty throne amid a million discarded, and just as ancient, AGP and PCI graphics cards and SDRAM sticks,.
And he blessed the CPUs of the faithful, even those slot 1 and socket 370 Pentium III's and Celerons from the late nineties.
And he spake thusly:
"Thou shalt always boost open source software. For open source is one in the eye for the mega corps and that is good."
Then he ate a banana, farted and fell asleep in front of the TV.
Replying to
@streetartutopia@mastodon.online
Somewhere close by, a rake is rubbing its things that it has instead of hands together.
Splines? Prongs? Rakiers? Those.