AWS Service Announcements

Amazon Interactive Furnace for ServiceNow continuously burns through your existing ITSM workflows at temperatures up to 1,400 degrees Celsius, converting legacy ticket data into a fully managed ash of structured JSON events that can be routed to any of the seventeen supported downstream services, six of which are generally available. The Furnace maintains a precise and adjustable heat output calibrated to your organizational change management processes, though provisioned thermal capacity is billed per BTU-hour whether or not combustion occurs, and cross-region heat transfer is charged at standard data transfer rates plus a Furnace Handling Fee that will appear on your bill under a category called Other. The Free Tier includes 750 hours of pilot-light mode per month for the first twelve months, during which the Furnace is on but not actively burning anything, which is also true of several comparable services you are already paying for. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

AWS Catapult for Retail is a fully managed projectile-trajectory commerce acceleration service that launches your retail workloads toward customers at maximum velocity, with launch angle, payload weight, and arc optimization handled automatically across all three Availability Zones in us-east-1. The Free Tier includes 1,000 launches per month, after which you are billed per launch, per arc-degree of correction, per kilogram of payload, and for the landing zone, which is a separate regional endpoint priced in a currency AWS will determine at press time. IAM permissions are required to configure both the catapult and the thing being catapulted, and these are different permissions. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

AWS Hamster is a fully managed wheel-spinning service that continuously rotates your workloads through up to 11 redundant execution cycles per second, ensuring your compute never actually stops moving or arrives anywhere. The Free Tier includes one hamster per account with up to 500 spins per month, after which each additional rotation is billed at $0.0000023, which sounds reasonable until you learn that a standard web application idles at approximately 40 million spins per hour. IAM policies for cross-account hamster federation are configured separately and are, per our documentation, left as an exercise for the reader. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

Amazon Mega Resilience Umbrella automatically extends protective coverage across your multi-region architecture by spanning up to 99.999% of failure scenarios, though like any umbrella, it inverts completely in winds exceeding a single Availability Zone outage, at which point AWS recommends purchasing a second umbrella. Coverage radius scales dynamically with your workload and is billed per square meter of protection per millisecond, with diameter expansion events charged separately as an Umbrella Deployment Unit at $0.0000023 each, which is very reasonable until you have 40 billion of them. The Free Tier includes one umbrella per account per month, provided the account was created before the umbrella was announced, you are not in us-east-1, and the umbrella is closed. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

Amazon Agentic Analytics Pickle enhances your existing data workflows by complementing up to 6 other AWS analytics services simultaneously, provided those services are correctly tagged, deployed in the same region, and connected via an IAM role with a trust policy you will write mostly by feel. The Free Tier includes 10,000 complementary pairings per month, after which each pairing is billed at $0.0023, plus $0.0019 per agent reasoning token, plus standard data transfer rates, plus a $94 monthly brine storage fee for state persistence that is listed as optional but is not. Currently available in us-east-1, with additional regions planned for a future date that will be announced at re:Invent and then quietly updated to mean the following re:Invent. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

Today, we're proud to unveil AWS Crabcake AWS Crabcake is a fully managed lateral-movement compute substrate that provisions workloads across multiple availability zones using proprietary sideways-scaling architecture, automatically redistributing traffic in unexpected directions when you least expect it. Unlike traditional services that scale vertically or horizontally, Crabcake scales diagonally into adjacent AWS accounts, which your billing team will discover during the monthly reconciliation process; data transfer between shells is charged at $0.09 per GB, and cross-account diagonal egress is billed per pinch with a minimum of 10,000 pinches per request. The Free Tier includes one crabcake per month, which is enough to complete the getting started tutorial but not the second step of the getting started tutorial. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

We're proud to present AWS Parallel Transformation Sunglare AWS Parallel Transformation Sunglare is a fully managed glare-distribution service that applies focused light pressure across up to 16 parallel transformation pipelines, temporarily blinding your team to the complexity of the underlying IAM policy structure required to invoke it. Sunglare automatically intensifies during peak hours in us-east-1, with regional availability in other regions dependent on re:Invent announcements that have not yet occurred. Glare-hours are billed at $0.0043 per lumen-equivalent after the first 200 lumen-equivalents per month, which are free, though each pipeline initialization emits 847 lumen-equivalents. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

We're proud to present AWS Sandstorm AWS Sandstorm is a fully managed visibility reduction service that automatically distributes fine-grained particulate across your environment, ensuring that no single engineer can see the full architecture at any one time. Sandstorm integrates natively with IAM, where permissions are evaluated per grain, and with CloudWatch, which will alert you after the sand has already reached your eyes. Sandstorm is free for the first 10,000 grains per month, after which you are billed $0.0003 per grain across six grain tiers, with data transfer charges applied when sand moves between Availability Zones, and a separate Dune Assembly Fee for workloads that consolidate more than 40 grains into a recognizable shape without purchasing a Savings Plan. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

AWS Interactive Migration Hamster continuously runs your workload assessment in a wheel of automated discovery, spinning at up to 10,000 RPM across 847 source configurations simultaneously, though sustained throughput requires provisioning a second hamster in a separate Availability Zone for redundancy, sold separately. Migration paths are surfaced through the Hamster Console, the Hamster CLI, the legacy Hamster SDK, the new Hamster SDK, the community-supported Hamster Terraform provider, and a Step Functions workflow the documentation describes as "not recommended but supported." The Free Tier includes one hamster for 750 hours per month for the first 12 months, after which each additional hamster is billed at $0.23 per wheel-rotation with a minimum commitment of 40 million rotations, and data transfer out of the hamster is priced separately. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor