mastodon 4.7.3Seattle's Only Real Fake News (Satire/Parody)
Orcas Getting a Little Sick and Tired of Being Asked to Solve All Your Billionaire Problems: https://theneedling.com/2026/05/28/orcas-getting-a-little-sick-and-tired-of-being-asked-to-solve-all-your-billionaire-probems/
Paleontologists Believe Early Ford Raptor Had Feathers: https://theneedling.com/2026/06/17/paleontologists-believe-early-ford-raptor-had-feathers/
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
Today Mayor Katie Wilson announced she’s already fired Seattle’s next police chief after he somehow teargassed Capitol Hill, deleted public records, hired someone to have an affair on the job with, and threatened to fight a reporter all before 9 a.m.
Zuckerberg Docks Annual Salary of 1,400 Laid-Off Meta Workers in Seattle: https://theneedling.com/2026/04/23/zuckerberg-docks-annual-salary-of-1400-laid-off-meta-workers-in-seattle/
SPD Wondering What’s Taking Mayor Katie Wilson So Long to Find Second Shooting Suspect: https://theneedling.com/2026/07/28/spd-wondering-whats-taking-mayor-katie-wilson-so-long-to-find-second-shooting-suspect/
Seattle Police Chief Assures City He Spends as Little Time with Wife, Kids in Chicago as Possible: https://theneedling.com/2026/07/29/seattle-police-chief-assures-city-he-spends-as-little-time-with-wife-kids-at-home-in-chicago-as-possible/
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
“It’s always ‘Hey, take Zuck to Davy Jones Locker this, pop Peter Thiel a 100 feet into the air and then eat his liver that—when are you land whales gonna finally step up to these guys yourselves?”
Blue Origin Goes Rogue, Blows Up Another Billionaire’s Launchpad in Seattle: https://theneedling.com/2026/05/29/blue-origin-goes-rogue-blows-up-another-billionaires-launchpad-in-seattle/
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
“It had a moveable chassis that allowed it to stand up on his hind wheels and accelerate at a high rate of speed mostly on land to impress potential mates and better hunt small prey like Priuses. Perhaps the raptor found itself in the Gorge after a failed attempt to fly across it—we may never know."
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
Two days after a tragic shooting that killed three people at Seattle Center, Seattle Police Department officials say confusion and questions continue to swirl around what’s taking Mayor Katie Wilson so long to find the second shooting suspect.
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
In a 6-3 decision the Supreme Court declared the law of gravity unconstitutional, effectively ending the centuries old practice of not floating into space.
Laurelhurst Airlifted One Mile from Seattle Children’s into Lake Washington: https://theneedling.com/2026/05/06/laurelhurst-airlifted-one-mile-from-seattle-childrens-into-lake-washington/
$18M Laurelhurst Mansion Owner Just Wishes There Was Some Way to Not Live Next to Noisy Hospital: https://theneedling.com/2026/05/05/18m-laurelhurst-mansion-owner-just-wishes-there-was-some-way-to-not-live-next-to-noisy-hospital/
Laurelhurst Generously Agrees to Let Sick Children Live: https://theneedling.com/2026/04/11/laurelhurst-generously-agrees-to-let-sick-children-live/
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
“Look! People in the back are swimming in the salaries of 200 Millennial fools who thought it might finally be a good time to buy a house in Seattle and start having kids,” said one onlooker as the billionaire’s 387-foot floating luxury barely fit through the Ballard Locks.
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
“Guys, the whole reason I took this job is to be here most of the year instead of anywhere near my wife and kids,” said Chief Shon Barnes at a press conference to clarify which city he actually resides in most.
Landlord Wouldn’t Have Rented You This Apartment If They Knew You Were Gonna Be All Uptight About Needing a Front Door: https://theneedling.com/2026/04/22/landlord-wouldnt-have-rented-you-this-apartment-if-they-knew-you-were-gonna-be-all-uptight-about-needing-a-front-door/
New Seahawks Owner Assured He Still Gets to Own 49ers on Game Days: https://theneedling.com/2026/06/16/new-seahawks-owner-assured-he-still-gets-to-own-49ers-on-game-days/
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
“Wow, I really thought the orcas, Seafair Pirates, or Dave Matthews’ tour bus would be handling this one,” said one Seattle resident watching Zuckerberg’s once massive superyacht named Launchpad ablaze before sinking to the bottom of Lake Union.
Supreme Court Votes 6-3 to Officially Change Market Name to Pike’s Place: https://theneedling.com/2026/04/14/supreme-court-votes-6-3-to-officially-change-market-name-to-pikes-place/
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
To keep Laurelhurst residents from ever having to hear helicopters transporting sick kids directly to the hospital, today the entire community was airlifted to permanent safety one mile away from Seattle Children’s into Lake Washington.
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
A new report confirmed today that Laurelhurst residents blocking helicopters carrying sick kids from landing directly at Seattle Children’s hospital because they’re too noisy ain’t heard motherfucking shit yet.
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
After leaving pet food out on the porch overnight in hopes St. Jimothy soon would be there, one Ballard family woke up this morning to find he not only came but left them presents.
RE: @TheNeedling@newsie.social
Can't come to the in-person workshop? Join The Needling's Online Real Fake Newsroom Workshop from anywhere June 1: https://theneedling.com/2024/08/01/the-needlings-online-real-fake-newsroom-workshop/
Want to be a real fake news reporter too? Learn how to find real fake news scoops and write them up in a fun and collaborative way with real fake newsroom colleagues (And then maybe get some drinks/best fries in the city). Join us! https://theneedling.com/2024/10/30/the-needling-in-person-real-fake-newsroom-workshop/
