Jesus Christ, MBA

This is all a big misunderstanding. My lawyers will have me out by Sunday.

[turns water into margaritas]

About 90 years after I was born, Roman software developers started to worry about the Y1C problem.

Therapist: Let's talk about your messiah complex.

Me: You mean my ranch in Oregon?

Therapist: *sigh*

This whole "Antichrist" thing is really like a giant game of telephone. I was talking about my Auntie Christ.

(Although at this point, let's just keep that between us. The Catholics will shit themselves if they find out Dad has a sister.)

"Thou shalt have no false gods before me" means I don't even read emails if I'm on the "cc" line instead of the "to."

Look, I'm just a white American Jesus who loves business, so you might imagine I'm down with so-called "conservatives" and "family values."

But My gospel is a gospel of love (well, love AND money). And specifically today, I feel it is important to say: I love trans people.

They are children of God (or not, you do you) just like any other. And anyone saying otherwise in My name can go fuck themselves.

Our servers have been the target of a DDoS (Distributed Denial of Salvation) attack.

Did you know that I installed the wifi in our first offices myself?

That's right: Jesus WAP'd.

"I'll see you in Hell!"

–Me, making plans with Satan for next weekend

[cups hand over phone receiver]
Sorry, I'm arguing with HR about my seniority date. They've counting me as a new hire, but I think I should get just as much vacation as I had before the whole, you know...

Blessed are they who hunger and arrive early at the meeting, for they will have first pick of the bagels.

Guess who's back, back again? Shady's back, tell a friend… 🎶

I don't look like a doctor, doctors look like Me.

My philosophy on innovation? Simple—it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.

[DISCLAIMER: Jesus F. Christ owns a controlling interest of a business in the forgiveness industry, and may profit from this advice.]

Our head of enterprise products is also a mythical creature—the SaaSquatch.

Making announcements about a rapture when we don’t even have one working in the lab yet, just to juice the stock price.

Hey, I need more time on that report you wanted for tomorrow morning.

I told the fellas I had to work late and would need a raincheck on dinner, but Judas got really weird about it, so now I need to get out of here by 6:00.

I’m the real deal. Thou shall have no false deals before Me.

Our data center projects are getting a TON of pushback from activists and even just ordinary citizens, so we’re rebranding.

These aren’t “data centers,” they’re DANA centers.

And they’ve been specially architected to run our proprietary AI security product, ZuuL GateKeeper.

The price of crude is risen! 🙌🛢️

Opening Outlook to draft a few e-pistles.

Thanks for watching. Remember to like and accept me into your heart as your Lord and Savior!

Sorry, can’t tonight. Going clubbing with St. Patrick.

Big week.

“No, mom, I don’t know why they called the movie that. Yes, I know you’ve never been to space. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I know. Ok, love you, too. Bye.”
*click*

Sin prompts sent to ConfessorGPT remain confidential* and are not retained our servers† or used for model training‡.

Thomas is never going to believe these sales figures.

Copy of Parables DRAFT (final) edit final FINAL (3).pptx

I put the fund in fundamentalist.

Inbox: 2,238,100,485,211 unread prayers.

Me: *sigh*

I don’t even like eggs that much.

Turning Perrier into craft cocktails.

@StefanThinks@beige.party That’s what my frat brothers called me when they were pissed off.

Today’s reading comes from the Accounting Gospel of Matthew, 11:14.

“And if you are willing to accept it, he is the EBITDA who was to come.”

P&L, or prophet and loss, statement.

Manspreading? I wasn’t manspreading.

I was godspreading.

You may not believe in KPIs, but KPIs believe in you.

Word.

He that is without sin among you, let him first comment on her shared memo draft.

Blessed are the rainmakers, for theirs are the highest sales commissions.

Dulgecoin (DULGE) is an effective hedge against inflation.