fishing is just slot machines for outdoor people
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stefan
@StefanThinks@beige.party
mastodon 4.6.6Joke attempter. Mildly annoying. Occasionally humorous.
5375 Followers
403 Following
50 Posts
Joined March 28, 2023
JustMyToots:
3yo: will you play hugging (video) game with me?
me: that sounds like a nice game, ok
3yo: i promise not to throw you in lava
me: um, that’s a weird random thing to say *proceeds to get thrown into lava by 3yo in hugging game*
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
trying to impress my date by telling the chili’s waitress to tell chili i said hello
me: don’t say you’re ‘babysitting,’ it’s called being a responsible father
teenage neighbor: ok, fine, i can’t be a responsible father for your kids this weekend so you can go to dave and busters, i have an out of town chess tournament
Boosted by @jwz@mastodon.social
Vending machine: Thank you for your purchase.
Dawkins: Wow, you are sentient and conscious, but only in this fleeting moment, for the next time I buy fig newtons, I will meet a new unique being!
Vending machine: Have a nice day.
Dawkins: I’ll see you in Xanadu, my sweet innocent Vendra!
go ahead and mock the forefathers. the troops, 9/11. whatever, idgaf. but if your stupid edgelord mouth utters one word that besmirches dolly parton, i will fucking soak your disrespectful ass with a garden hose.
only the smartest 1% of intellectual nerds will get this: 80085
If they put his face on my passport, I’m calling it an assport
how can you tell if an actor is good or just really good at pretending to be an actor?
video creators need to stop doing those videos where the same person plays multiple people and just wears different clothes and hats/hair, if i wanted to watch someone with no friends, i’d look at the mirror
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
me: hey buddy, did you have a good day today?
6yo: i know my rights, i don’t have to answer that. am i being detained?
me: so you’ve been watching lawyer youtube, i see
The plumeria flowers are waking up
people, stop saying “butt farts,” it’s like saying chai tea or atm machine
i’ll believe the ai hype when it solves how to optimally wrap a cable using only the cable itself (i already know the solution)
is the first date too early to ask for a lock of their hair because you want to have their smell on you and when they get freaked out and awkward, just tell them to drop it because you already have one anyway?
if i haven’t seen the iliad, will the odyssey still make sense?
we’re all dented cans in the clearance aisle of the big lots of life
i haven’t paid my bills or run any errands this week because i’ve been absorbed by this new video game i’ve been playing nonstop for the last five days called payin’ bills and runnin’ errands. you have to make sure you pay your bills and run errands on time or you lose.
show me where in the bible it says i’m not allowed to insert qtips into my ear canals
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
Website: You’ve read your last free article.
Me: But I’ve never been to this site before.
Website: Did I say on this website?
Me: *slowly closes laptop and backs away to close the blinds and lock deadbolts*
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
“those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” my fellow skeleton in the bone juicing machine, we couldn’t even remember any lessons from the chaos of 2020
There’s plenty of reasons to hate Mark Zuckerberg but I will never forget that he ruined the word ‘meta’ for everyone else.
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
june bugs are like “hell yeah it’s june!! let’s all fly directly into stefan’s hair, neck, and shirt and get stuck there so he has to touch our weird little bodies to get us off of him!!”
I like how eyeglasses are really expensive and the official way to adjust them to fit your face is to bend them by squeezing them really really hard, but, not too hard
mountain dew or mountain don’t. there is no mountain try.
website: add another email to recover your account to prevent getting locked out.
me:
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
casually mentioned to my 6yo the sun will eventually run out of fuel and incinerate the planet, but tried to console him by the fact that he doesn’t have to worry about it because we’ll all be dead way before that happens
i work hard and i play hard and i eat hard(jelly beans) and i poop hard(because of the jelly beans)
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
3yo: why do you have hair on your face?
me: my face grows a beard and if i don’t cut it, it gets longer
3: why?
me: i don’t know, why do you have a nose? it just..
3: to bweathe
me: some people just… wait, what?
3: my nose is for bweathing
i guess i have to up my explanation game now
Now is the time for thoughts and prayers, stop politicizing the tragedy to push through ballroom construction!
the internet should only be open during business hours
yes, adhd is my superpower and my arch-nemeses are late fees
Boosted by @GroupNebula563@mastodon.social
Replying to
“yes, we can listen to kpop demon hunters AFTER we hear former members of elf power play neutral milk hotel’s in the aeroplane over the sea”
You can’t spell sensual without consensual
i hope the president eats thousands of hot dogs to prove his patriotism this july 4th
Why did Frankenstein go to anger therapy? Because he was a mad scientist.
A LOTR themed adult toy store called Dildo T. Baggins
Going to neg the other dads in the neighborhood by asking them, “That’s a fun little pressure washer. Where’d you get it? Costco?”
you're right, it is your party and you can cry if you want to, but it was really inconsiderate to not mention potential crying on the evite
I wish the floor was lava
Boosted by @GroupNebula563@mastodon.social
i don’t get the internet’s compulsion to have a strong opinion or rank everything. when i posted a picture of a wolf spider i saw, some guy quote posted to say daddy long legs are better because they can kill a wolf spider and don’t look scary. like buddy, why can’t both spiders be cool?
i am going to be the future of ceos and ai companies should hire me if they don’t want to get left behind
- stefan is human and can make mistakes
of course i want ketchup with my fries, how else am i supposed to stay hydrated?
why do we call dead people ‘late’? bruh, they’re going to be more than late, you can put them down as a no-show