Jessie

So what did I do today with all my unfinished stories? I started another one -.- Yes I have problems, yes I keep making them worse but umm ideas!

@SleepyCatten@cultofshiv.wtf Yes yes, I'm still awake but I'm about to go to bed even if it is late. Hugs with you are always nice

@SleepyCatten@cultofshiv.wtf

@SleepyCatten@cultofshiv.wtf They broke the goalpost then moved it really. I think the damage they have done over the years just makes RS3 a bit messy and still kind of broken. On top of that I think by pushing the graphics aspects it is not always a positive. The basic but effective way can work and when you add budget it starts to actually lose the style and become generic and bad compared to having a charm. It never looked amazing or anything but charm can carry further than graphical fidelity. I think it is also my journey was a hard one then they invalidated it by giving it out so much easier, I feel like I had to take a hard path and then everyone is just taking a much easier path that was added later. I don't feel rewarded for how far I have come since it feels like the goal post was moved that much making all the progress, hardwork and time feel so much smaller. It isn't about grind but having the view I worked hard for being removed. As if I finally get to the top of the hill only to find the view poluted by an ugly mess and the promised view is on a different hill that I don't wish to climb any more.

@SleepyCatten@cultofshiv.wtf Just logged in to check and I have 85 agility on rs3, very much a grind and a lot of that was in elf city course. Not a fun skill to level most of the time. Granted it feels like rs3 removed all my achievement by making everything a bit too easy hence if I was going to play it would be osrs more. Granted without membership it sucks and I can't stomach subscriptions most of the time (and it is insanely expensive compared to other games). Not really feeling it hence still got my last bond left on rs3 which still counts for osrs at least. Maybe one day I will return, maybe I won't, hard to say. Granted I am a fucking crazy person with my main being hardcore ironwoman and then I find out my alt is too. I have issues I guess? My brain is broken!

@SleepyCatten@cultofshiv.wtf *groans and then grumbles* Still, first of umm hundreds? Maybe thousands?

I had someone say "I don't believe in depression", yes there was a language barrier, yes there was a bit more talk and yes that was such a fucking massive red flag I walked away. I burnt bridges with them and the rest of the group (they were admin). It was a clan in a game (which I left at the same time) and I won't likely ever seen any of them again. Discord without age verification (not doing that, fuck that) most likely doesn't allow any of them to reach out to me. None of us share servers or are friends so yeah, all bridge burn. I'm okay with it. I've had some hard to leave groups and some easy to leave ones. This one was pretty easy. A friend of mine completely unrelated to me took it worse than me. I guess at the end of the day connections break and sometimes the wrong words are poison turning any positive feelings I might have to ash. I'm okay. Seriously, it doesn't effect me. Just shedded some baggage and honestly a lot of the chat was not the best anyway. Sometimes things go badly and it all works out. Just wish if people wanted to reach out they could but I won't give my information to discord only for them to have it leaked (which will happen again). Wasn't really planning to share this but saw a toot and it came to mind. Sometimes things break down and the best thing you can do is walk away. I also am offering free hugs to anyone that has had a relationship of any kind break down, please claim below (also if you haven't had a relationship break down and just need a hug please also take it, they are freely give and completely free (unlimited stock)).

@SleepyCatten@cultofshiv.wtf Sometimes I have the same with friends where we talk through stuff but I will confess it is quite different when you are paying for it and they have a range of knowledge. It's just that sometimes the answers don't feel the most possible. I mean sure I can see just how fucked up I am and how things go. Even the counsellor can see how I hide away from people. I think they gave me every chance to talk about how if I had my own fantasy island and what brings me joy that I should want people too. I mean they pointed out my smiling about the idea of a peaceful log cabin with a warm fire in a snowy place, the idea of quiet, peaceful but never people... I really couldn't even imagine a safe place having people directly there until asked about it. The scars run deep and even my family have hurt me with aggression. I have to work on that, open a door I would rather keep shut. It's hard to image people directly in my life, face to face, kind of caring...

Another counselling session finished and it makes me think as always. I always feel like that few moments after thoughts can come up a lot. The idea of having an island and what I would want only for them to point out I don't mention people. Isolated, peaceful, safe... I'm isolated and I know I need to get out there but just the fact I need to do it is always a problem. I mean my first excuse is always cost, weather more than anything else, even transportation is cost. I get them pushing me to get out but it never is that simple but the idea of just opening the door ever so slightly and looking out then closing it again and slowly doing that a little more still feels a bit like a too wide gap to cross. I am bleeding money more, counselling isn't cheap. I'm still scared and talking myself out of it. I will always keep making excuses it feels like. I am still just running away, keeping safe but passive, compliant, scared... I still don't know how to act or what to do.

@SleepyCatten@cultofshiv.wtf Biology rarely has simple answers, too much variation and so further exploration of the brain and mind naturally are even harder to work with as we go into deeper layers of complexity. Just something I am working on and at the moment I have counselling everyone monday that hopefully will help me move forwards. It does seem a slow but progressive thing. I feel positive about it just the pace leaves a bit to be desired. Thank you for at least taking the time to offer ideas and show support. I guess I just want to be fixed and that is going to take more time than I would like. again at least.

@SleepyCatten@cultofshiv.wtf I keep thinking of how to talk about it and fumbling. I guess it is part of the idea of self worth, worthy of love, those kind of thoughts but it actually goes back more to the fortress around my heart that I built to protect myself. I don't really know how much is locked away and how buried it is. I might be more aro-ace or trauma induced aro-ace or just not functioning chemically right due to hormones or who knows what at this point... I don't know. I need to work on just not being broken. I need to not have self worth tied to others. There is so much I have to work past but honestly I welcome opinions and ideas. I am still just searching for answers on how to fix me. I am jealous of how people can hold someone close and feel at peace. That people can have such deep connections. When I read lesbian romance I'm jealous of the characters. Love, lust, closeness, friendship, I don't know these things really in a lot of ways. People describe things and often fail to describe them well or just outright use the word they are trying to describe in the description or in ways I can't believe. I want to feel my emotions fully again. I want to know how it feels to truly care for someone. I want to be able to care about me more. I know there are no answers but thank you for adding some input.

Just had a thought about love etc because I was talking about a character in a showI started to watch yesterday so I will put it here (while applying it to myself more). Maybe love isn't possible because it is a vulnerability but I have learnt I have to keep strong, to keep my heart closed, to not let my emotions show and always be that fortress. I have built a wall around my heart that I still am struggling to break down. Maybe that is why I can't love. I can't just let my guard down and be safe. I can't expose anything of myself...