Zero Forks 🐋 🦉 🐝

With every passing day I become a little less “Carrie Bradshaw” and a little more “Squidward Tentacles”.

You’ll never be able to convince me that bees are not gods. Imagine you artificially impregnate (I know it’s pollinate, but whatever) the most beautiful creatures (flowers) and then collect the delicious part of them, and turn that into the sweetest medicine ever. That’s some fucking unworldly ability that is beyond our planet. We don’t even deserve to have access to honey. We haven’t earned the right.

I’m gonna say something quite controversial for those who watched and enjoyed ‘90s and early ‘00s television… when it comes to the standards we now hold entertainment to, Friends sucks. Sex and the City sucks. But the one that stands out, even with its brutal takes, is Seinfeld. It could come out today as is, and receive the least amount of backlash than any sitcom between 1990 and 2000. Maybe because it never takes itself seriously. Even when characters die, they do so in a light hearted way.

FYI, when it comes to social and political matters, blood doesn’t buy you a bigotry pass. Even if they are family members, you don’t have to attend events with them just based on genetics. If your family are exhibiting behaviors usually associated with nazis, then guess what? Your family members are fucking nazis. Treat them as such.

Was not prepared to become this big of a Lizzie Borden fan today.

Stop with these “If I lived in the 80s” ai picture posts. Your grandmother rocked that windbreaker harder than you ever could, you ungrateful hag. She rocked it without needing to seek validation online. And she didn’t order that shit from Amazon, either. She bought it at Sears like the badass bitch she is.

Sadly my second thought was, “I wonder what Andy is gonna brag about now that this is no longer a flex?”

You ever drink enough coffee that you find out you can do kitchen karate? That is the dragon I chase daily.

“MiLleNniAlS aRe JaDeD”… no shit Sherlock. Technologically speaking we’ve went from riding our bikes to the store to buy a coke and some cigs for our mom with zero concept of a cell phone to 3-D printing a bottle with an app. We’ve watched catastrophic events take place in front of us on TV while eating a bowl of cereal, and didn’t even blink. We have been playing this game a long time. So yeah, we are fucking jaded, and tired, and probably slept weird last night. Give us a break.

Truly never thought us saying “I love myself” would be controversial, and end with the accusation that we are “narcissistic” or “self-absorbed”. Mr. Rogers did not prepare us for this turn of events. He told us to love ourselves and be proud, and now doing that is rage bait. Wow.

Only once have I been thrown in FB jail, and it was for the dumbest reason. Ever since I’ve been set free I’ve been trying to give them a valid, brag worthy reason to throw me back in, but it almost seems impossible. I figured I’d be on some sort of watch list, or have a probationary period. But no dice. I’ve said every derogatory thing I could about MAGA, drug use, sexual escapades, and anything that’s possibly offensive. But I just can’t get punished.

Sometimes I almost feel like my period is worth the 5 pound poop.

I don’t need friends, I have U*!

*undiscovered mental disorders that will *hopefully* be named after me

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you trip over my boundary and sprain your ankle? Go fuck yourself.

You CANNOT support Trump and love your country. You’re gonna have to pick one. They absolutely can’t coexist.

Had a follow up on my lab results and my hormones are in the ideal range. “Everything is perfect and normal” (he doesn’t *know* me, clearly). Great. I guess this is just who I am, and now can’t make any medically backed excuses.

Turns out binge re-watching Six Feet Under a week before my period wasn’t the way to go. 😿

Know how to put a guaranteed end to generational trauma? Don’t create another generation. Boom. Simple. Problem solved.

Once again I’ve been asked to excuse myself from this Olive Garden, and to go wait in the car.

I finally reached the age and skin elasticity of someone who realized I gotta start taking this health shit seriously. Like quit smoking, quit drinking alcohol, quit everything that made life bearable just so I could be miserable for a short time longer.

The closer I get to menopause, the more bulletproof I feel. I didn’t expect that. To lose buckets of fucks daily. It almost makes the whole ordeal worth the trouble. I guess it’s literally having the weight of reproduction lifted off of me. I’m especially thankful to be coming into this era during a period when openly discussing it is encouraged.

It’s gonna take some time, but one day you’re going to wake up and realize that all of those “mean, bitter women” were just finally setting boundaries that forced others to take accountability. And turns out they were totally justified in their choice to be done with other people’s shit.

Mean Girls is just The Craft rebranded with less candles and better writers. #isaidwhatisaid #factnotopinion

Can’t wait to see what animal becomes an internet sensation next. First we had Lida Bida Boda Butt, now Jimothy. What’s next? A cat? An octopus? Only time will tell.

Every woman out there needs to name 3 things she loves about her grandmother, and fucking meet that standard.

1) She spoke her truth
2) She knew how to bake a goddamn delicious cheesecake
3) She held strong to that grudge she had with Beth for 22 years

Looking for content ideas. If willing, please describe your worst first date.

MySpace had it right when they allowed you to choose your top 8. No secrets, and no misinterpreting. Just you declaring to the world which 8 humans you liked the best. It was a beautiful thing.

🫱🏽Get dressed and go to a bar with friends

🫲🏽Stay home and watch SNL with my dog and eat left over Chinese food

I think it’s easy to guess which option will win.

Happy Cinco de Cuatro for all of those who celebrate!

You bring the milk. 🥛
I’ll bring the shake. 🫨

Ah. Now it makes sense.

So what is the big deal if ai takes over. What’s the fear here? If you are a useful, productive member of society, nothing will trigger the algorithm to remove you. Are you afraid of being replaced because you have nothing to offer the system? Who’s to say that our time hasn’t come. We are holding on to this belief that we are the alpha species, and it only seems frightening because it turns out we may not be. Whatever [*gestures vaguely*] this is, doesn’t seem to be working that well, anyway.