So tired of blacking out every full moon when I really want to stay up and help the townsfolk hunt for the werewolf
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Xavier Horatio Xinicit
@xinicit@beige.party
mastodon 4.6.6Sobriety Date 12/22/09
1408 Followers
165 Following
37 Posts
Joined July 01, 2025
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
I have never been to a Chuck E. Cheese so I got some Totino’s pizza and put a Gwar cassette in a Teddy Ruxbin
What doesn’t kill you fucks up your nervous system so it feels like you can’t have a normal life
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
My cat knocked over my grandmother's ashes. The Roomba got to them before I did, and now it beeps at me until I give it a Virginia Slim.
I got banned from the mall for telling the customers at Hot Topic that real Goths sack Rome.
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
The best way to handle this parasite outbreak is to find out which vegetarians didn’t get sick so we know they’re safe to eat
Sometimes I worry that I’m not anxious enough
Neurodivergent enough to be off putting but not not enough to be profitable
My mom says we can use the conversation pit for fight club if your mom says it’s ok
If you can ignore a check engine light you can ignore a heart under the floorboard
I’m so diy that my pet rock is a kidney stone
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Getting ready for therapy by pushing my emotions down so they pop out like a can of snakes
None of the losers in HR had even heard of kendo before I brought a katana to my employee review
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Submerging is what happens when two subs become sandwiched
I notice a lot of jobs require the ability to think, which is frankly unfair to some of us
Replying to
I totally got my wires crossed but I like it better this way
Orlando was invented by flim flam men who were desperate to offload excess razzmatazz
Peeping through a key hole into a looking glass because I love voyeurism but hate other people
Who called it a holster and not a glockstrap?
Air guitar? I can’t even play the jazz hands!
My dad has been dead almost fifteen years but I take comfort in knowing that he’s as proud of me as he’s ever been
My conflict resolution skills lack nuance but everyone in the mailroom will tell you I’m the best jouster
“You have to kiss so many frogs before you find a prince” bro I’m not trying to improve my station I just like the texture
Not feeling good about this jaywalking case. My lawyer just rolled a saving throw and then threw up.
You would think that the Lollipop Guild would be affiliated with The Good Ship Lollipop, but both entities insist the other is full of suckers.
I don’t “fold like laundry.” I “lie on the floor and let the cats walk over me” like laundry.
Alternate timeline where Batman is British:
Alfred (speaking with a California surfer accent): Hey! Brucie goosie! Check out the monitor! Looks like the Jester, Innit, and The Ghost Of The Industrial Revolution are knocking over trash cans!
Batman: They’re called dustbins over here, Alfred.
I put capsaicin in my holy water in case I run into someone who isn’t a vampire
Replying to
I’m trying to write jokes about things that are In The News that don’t make me want to put my head in a bag.
If I were the kind of person who learned from experience I would be delighted to find out that I am happier when I sleep
I try not to kink shame, but tbh I can’t watch most people roll up a garden hose
My friends have accused me of ingratitude, but as a veterinarian dentist it is my duty to look every horse in the mouth, regardless of how much it cost
Her: Would you love me if I were a worm?
Me: Do you mean, would I love you if you were Leto Atreides, God Emperor of Dune?
Learning the harmonica feels like working on your kissing skills with a robot
Replying to
@carnitas@jorts.horse I don’t think that’s right but I failed math because I’m bad at word problems