Doctors said I’d be lucky to survive into adulthood and boy were they wrong
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Toby
@tobestewart@mastodonapp.uk
mastodon 4.6.8Somethng s mssng from your lfe
1562 Followers
83 Following
50 Posts
Joined January 25, 2023
The Beatles: “All you need is love”
Maslow: “No”
Sometimes, I go to bed worrying I won’t be able to think of anything stupid to post in the morning, but then I wake up and realise it’s all going to be ok
Despite the rising costs of living, more and more of us are doing it
Huge Independence Day celebrations here in the UK as we now appreciate the benefits of certain colonies fucking right off
Boosted by @GroupNebula563@mastodon.social
If I say “You’re like family to me”, it’s not a compliment
I suffer from accurate self-esteem
I just finished reading the Bible and it doesn't mention the USA once
I’ve decided to seize tomorrow
This is the parallel universe that all the other ones make fun of
Not only is failure an option, it’s easier than success
Have you guys tried knitting? It tastes horrible
We consciously perceive only 0.045% of the sensory information reaching our brains every second, filtering out useless stimuli, yet you just read this?
Thank you all for your health suggestions (die), relationships advice (go fuck yourself), and open minded attitude to a balanced diet (eat a bag of dicks)
As a lifelong vegetarian, I won’t actually be able to eat the rich, but that doesn’t mean I want to be excluded from the hunting
I sometimes worry I’m a bad parent, but then I remember that paranoia is just a side-effect of drug abuse
Having no friends is very affordable
Uber don’t have a policy on nudity! They will by Monday
Never. Confide. In. Your. Wife’s. Parrot
Got up late and now have to wait six months to reset my sundial
I’ve been cold-turkeying my social media addiction by shouting at my hand
My forehead tattoo (“Yes, a table for one, next to a mirror”) saves me valuable seconds when I’m hangry
Have we tried leaving Trump in a room with an upturned rake and letting nature take its course?
Boosted by @GroupNebula563@mastodon.social
My favourite book is the Bible because the same thing happened to me
Is a talking donkey better than a flying horse? I’m trying to choose a religion
[halfway through composing my second post of the day]
“This must be what Shakespeare felt like”
What would help is for some big accounts with clout, who can overcome the shame of their inferior writing, to repost me
Deeply troubled by the lack of Americans in the Bible! Sorry to bring this up again, but it's undermining my faith
If there’s a hard way to do something, I’ll find it
The "F” in "OMFG" is for "Fictional"
As a man, it’s my job to mistake kindness for flirting
The best thing about lockdown was walking past the playground without getting owned
Imagine being Charles Darwin, and, for 20 years, sitting on a secret so revolutionary it fundamentally changes mankind’s understanding of Life? That’s how I feel about my posts
[*looking-up from my phone to make sure life is still passing me by*]
My doctor says exercise would be a good idea and suggested running with scissors
[*montage of my empty desk*]
I’ve been reading your posts. I admire how hard you make it look
I stand-up whenever I see or hear Trump, so my booing is 13% louder
God: [*trying to close one door and open another but He’s got the whole world in His hands*]
They told me to wear black for the funeral and now all the kids want to play with my lightsaber
She won’t wear her sexy new lingerie and I spent days knitting it
I’m very well informed (people keep shouting at me)
Sometimes, when things are tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, and then I hide in a cave for three days
[*inventing religion*]
“Quick! Hold this foreskin! No time to explain”
Does anyone know the Greek for “cake”? I want to describe my sexuality scientifically
Just think, we’re only a few years from them releasing a movie about how bombing schools and hospitals hurt the pilot’s feelings
People who “couldn’t agree more” should try giving me money
People who say they “couldn’t be happier” are probably having an orgasm
As a newly qualified palaeontologist I have a lot to learn! Firstly, why did dinosaurs sleep under rocks?