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The Onion

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America's Finest News Source.

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50 Posts

Joined October 29, 2023

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 2d ago

Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him WASHINGTON—During an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him throughout the 2020 presidential race. Trump, who spoke from the White House, … #theonion https://theonion.com/trump-drops-bombshell-evidence-biden-actively-campaigned-against-him/

Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him

Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him

WASHINGTON—During an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him throughout the 2020 presidential race. Trump, who spoke from the White House, detailed a conspiracy in which paid operatives […]

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· 2mo ago

Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout Peter Thiel Lecture ROME—In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel. “This second-rate charlatan doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about my plans to bring widespread doom,” said the […… #theonion https://theonion.com/antichrist-rolls-eyes-throughout-peter-thiel-lecture/

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· 3mo ago

Hostess Discontinues Physical Twinkies

ORRVILLE, OH—Stressing that the change in the product line was a necessary adjustment to keep apace in the digital age, snack food manufacturer Hostess announced Monday that it would discontinue physical Twinkies. “While we know fans have been collecting Twinkies for years, we believe that online-only snack cakes will help reduce physical clutter and allow […]
The post Hostess Disconti…
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https://theonion.com/hostess-discontinues-physical-twinkies/

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· 2mo ago

New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money WASHINGTON—Pleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively, a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged voters to find something better to do with their money. “There are so many incredible things you can put your money toward that are m… #theonion https://theonion.com/new-dnc-fundraising-email-urges-voters-to-find-something-better-to-do-with-their-money/

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 2mo ago

GOP Allies Claim They Met With Mitch McConnell Inside Body Bag WASHINGTON—Relieved that their colleague appeared to be the very same man they’d known for years, allies of Sen. Mitch McConnell told reporters Friday they had recently met with the seven-term Kentucky Republican inside a body bag. “Like so many Americans, we had our concerns about Mitch, but when the technician unzipped that vinyl pouch … #theonion https://theonion.com/gop-allies-claim-they-met-with-mitch-mcconnell-inside-body-bag/

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 3w ago

Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? The post Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/blind-man-who-drove-150-miles-drunk-avoids-jail/

Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail

Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail

A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think?

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 2mo ago

Elon Musk: ‘Revenge Porn Is A Human Right’ The post Elon Musk: ‘Revenge Porn Is A Human Right’ appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/elon-musk-revenge-porn-is-a-human-right/

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· 2mo ago

Pharmaceutical Ad Urges Viewers To Fight Doctors Who Say Drug Not Right For Them NORTH CHICAGO, IL—Emphasizing that potential users of the drug should never take no for an answer, a Skyrizi ad that began airing nationally Tuesday encourages viewers to fight any doctors who say the medication is not right for them. “Consult your doctor before taking Skyrizi, and if your doctor advise… #theonion https://theonion.com/pharmaceutical-ad-urges-viewers-to-fight-doctors-who-say-drug-not-right-for-them/

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 3mo ago

Brood Of Disney Child Stars Emerges From Ground

BURBANK, CA—Tunneling upward out of the darkness where they had lain in wait for13 years, the latest brood of Disney child stars reportedly emerged from the ground Monday, filling the air with their mindless droning. Thousands of spunky young actors, part of the child performer population known as Brood D, were spotted bursting out of […]
The post Brood Of Disney Chi…
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· 2mo ago

‘That’s All I’m Saying,’ Repeats Man Who Keeps Saying More Stuff The post ‘That’s All I’m Saying,’ Repeats Man Who Keeps Saying More Stuff appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/thats-all-im-saying-repeats-man-who-keeps-saying-more-stuff/

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· 2mo ago

Mike Johnson Struggles To Hold Speaker Gavel While Wearing Anti-Masturbation Mitts WASHINGTON—Apologizing to his fellow congressmen after he fumbled the wooden handle for the fifth time in a row, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was observed struggling to hold his speaker gavel Tuesday while wearing anti-masturbation mitts. “The House will come to order—oops, hold on, one minute,… #theonion https://theonion.com/mike-johnson-struggles-to-hold-speaker-gavel-while-wearing-anti-masturbation-mitts/

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· 2mo ago

‘No Bars Can Hold Me,’ Says Andrew Tate Entering 9th Hour Of Trying To Pry Open Cell MIAMI—Confined to a federal detention center in Florida and facing extradition to the U.K. on multiple charges of human trafficking and rape, social media influencer Andrew Tate was reportedly heard to exclaim, “No bars can hold me!” this weekend as he entered his ninth consecutive hour of trying t… #theonion https://theonion.com/no-bars-can-hold-me-says-andrew-tate-entering-9th-hour-of-trying-to-pry-open-cell/

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· 2mo ago

Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife WASHINGTON—Explaining that the public had no reason to be alarmed over his temporary leave, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) clarified Friday that his absence from Congress was due to a brief planned trip to the afterlife. “While I understand people’s concern, I’ve simply been on a routine visit to the next world,” said the… #theonion https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-clarifies-absence-due-to-brief-planned-trip-to-afterlife/

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 3mo ago

Patriot Tears Up While Pretending Washington Monument Is His Penis

The post Patriot Tears Up While Pretending Washington Monument Is His Penis appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/patriot-tears-up-while-pretending-washington-monument-is-his-penis/

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· 2mo ago

Profits Soar As Taylor Farms Rebrands As Biological Weapons Manufacturer The post Profits Soar As Taylor Farms Rebrands As Biological Weapons Manufacturer appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/profits-soar-as-taylor-farms-rebrands-as-biological-weapons-manufacturer/

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 2mo ago

Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke The post Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/everyone-in-oval-office-meeting-currently-in-some-stage-of-stroke/

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· 2mo ago

Study: Majority Of Americans Would Benefit From Decreased Phone Use During Sex WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the negative effects of excessive screen time, a new study from Georgetown University published Thursday found that most Americans would benefit from cutting down on phone use during sex. “New data suggests setting down your phone during intercourse can positively impact your lif… #theonion https://theonion.com/study-majority-of-americans-would-benefit-from-decreased-phone-use-during-sex/

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 2mo ago

Parents Sit Kids Down For Difficult Discussion About Moving To Ad Tier PITTSBURGH—Attempting to soften the blow with a promise to go out for ice cream later, local parents Dylan and Olivia Barnes reportedly sat their children down Monday for a difficult discussion about moving to the ad tier. “I know change is hard, but Mommy and Daddy had a long and serious talk, and we think […] The post Pa… #theonion https://theonion.com/parents-sit-kids-down-for-difficult-discussion-about-moving-to-ad-tier/

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· 3mo ago

Hungover ‘Antiques Roadshow’ Expert Pulls Another Appraisal Out Of Her Ass

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying whatever she had to say to get through the PBS shoot as quickly as possible, hungover Antiques Roadshow expert Katrina Delaney reportedly pulled another appraisal out of her ass Wednesday morning. “Yeah, you can tell from the, uh, baroque cornices that it’s probably from the Ming dynasty,” the 4…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/hungover-antiques-roadshow-expert-pulls-another-appraisal-out-of-her-ass/

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· 3mo ago

Historians Theorize Declaration Of Independence Started As ‘Twilight’ Fan Fiction

WASHINGTON—Offering new insight into the origins of America’s founding document, a group of leading historians published a report this week theorizing that the Declaration of Independence started out as Twilight fan fiction. “Based on newly unearthed correspondence between our nation’s Founding Fathers,…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/historians-theorize-declaration-of-independence-started-as-twilight-fan-fiction/

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· 3mo ago

Original 13 States Renew Declaration Of Independence In Beachfront Ceremony

PLYMOUTH, MA—Reaffirming their commitment to sovereignty against a backdrop of crashing waves and the setting sun, the original 13 American states renewed the Declaration of Independence Saturday in a beautiful beachfront ceremony. “Now repeat after me, do you free and independent states hold these truths to be s…
#theonion
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· 2mo ago

U.S. Instates Military Wife Draft WASHINGTON—Pledging to do everything in his power to ensure the mental and physical needs of his troops were being fulfilled, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that the United States had officially instated a military wife draft. Hegseth told reporters that given the “abysmal” numbers of Americans who voluntarily enlisted to wed U.S. soldiers, he […] The post U.S. Instates Milita… #theonion https://theonion.com/u-s-instates-military-wife-draft/

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· 2mo ago

Translator Of Original ‘Minions’ Epic Poem Slams ‘Sexless, Bloodless’ Film Adaptation PHILADELPHIA—In a 4,500-word essay published in Harper’s Magazine, Emily Wilson, known for her popular translation of the Minions epic poem, blasted the latest film Thursday as a “sexless, bloodless” adaptation. “The first line of my translation is ‘Tell me about a kooky Minion,’ but the Minions in… #theonion https://theonion.com/translator-of-original-minions-epic-poem-slams-sexless-bloodless-film-adaptation/

Translator Of Original ‘Minions’ Epic Poem Slams ‘Sexless, Bloodless’ Film Adaptation

Translator Of Original ‘Minions’ Epic Poem Slams ‘Sexless, Bloodless’ Film Adaptation

PHILADELPHIA—In a 4,500-word essay published in Harper’s Magazine, Emily Wilson, known for her popular translation of the Minions epic poem, blasted the latest film Thursday as a “sexless, bloodless” adaptation. “The first line of my translation is ‘Tell me about a kooky Minion,’ but the Minions in director Pierre Coffin’s film—who has said in at […]

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 2mo ago

Grave Concerns The post Grave Concerns appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/grave-concerns/

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· 3mo ago

Report: Trump Made $1.4 Billion As President Off Selling Tupperware To Friends WASHINGTON—Raising questions over the ethics of profiting in private business ventures while still holding office, a report released Tuesday found that President Donald Trump has made almost $1.4 billion in his second term selling Tupperware to friends. “Since officially reclaiming the presidency in January … #theonion https://theonion.com/report-trump-made-1-4-billion-as-president-off-selling-tupperware-to-friends/

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· 3mo ago

A Declaration Of Independence From The Rest Of The World

In The Onion, July 4, 2026By the REPRESENTATIVES of theONION EDITORIAL BOARD, When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with other far more annoying and troublesome peoples, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and greater station […]
The post A Decla…
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· 2mo ago

Overbearing Girlfriend Expects Man To Take Feelings In Head, Use Words To Say Them Into World BOSTON—Struggling to come to grips with the unreasonable demands, local man Gerald Ullman told reporters Wednesday that his overbearing girlfriend was expecting him to take the feelings in his head and use words to say them into the world. “I just don’t get what she means when s… #theonion https://theonion.com/overbearing-girlfriend-expects-man-to-take-feelings-in-head-use-words-to-say-them-into-world/

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· 2mo ago

Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself WASHINGTON—In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. “If you’re listening, Sen. McConnell, please—we’ve had enough,” said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they did… #theonion https://theonion.com/public-begs-mitch-mcconnell-to-stop-releasing-photos-of-himself/

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· 2mo ago

Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet LOS ANGELES—Bunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly behind an armored vehicle like 3-year-olds about to begin a ballet recital, witnesses confirmed Thursday. Several reports indicated that t… #theonion https://theonion.com/riot-police-excitedly-crouch-behind-armored-vehicle-like-group-of-3-year-olds-about-to-perform-ballet/

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· 3mo ago

City’s Beautification Initiative Hamstrung By Commitment To Local Artists

BLOOMINGTON, IL—Amid a campaign aimed at improving the aesthetics of previously neglected public spaces, the team behind a new beautification initiative admitted Thursday to feeling impeded by the city’s commitment to using only local artists. “Seeing the quality of some of these pieces, I’m beginning to worry that we…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/citys-beautification-initiative-hamstrung-by-commitment-to-local-artists/

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· 3mo ago

Just A Birthmark

While permanent, the visible blotch is strictly cosmetic and in no way affects this home’s ability to shelter you and your family. Reference #259348
The post Just A Birthmark appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/just-a-birthmark/

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· 2mo ago

Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing rapid developments in the infrastructure needed to support artificial intelligence, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that technological advancements were now allowing data centers to run on even more electricity. “People said we were using an unacceptable amount of power, and with… #theonion https://theonion.com/technological-advancements-allow-data-centers-to-run-on-even-more-electricity/

Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity

Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity

SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing rapid developments in the infrastructure needed to support artificial intelligence, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that technological advancements were now allowing data centers to run on even more electricity. “People said we were using an unacceptable amount of power, and with these upgraded facilities that require so much more of it, we’ve […]

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· 3mo ago

Nation Turns 250 Despite Presence Of Irish

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Ringing in the momentous occasion with firework displays, community service projects, and chants of “bog-trotters go home,” the United States of America turned 250 on Saturday despite the presence of the Irish. The semiquincentennial, marking two and a half centuries since the signing of the Declaration of Independence, was observed by approximately 308 million […
#theonion
https://theonion.com/nation-turns-250-despite-presence-of-irish/

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· 3mo ago

Founding Fathers Smile Down On America From Outer Space

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Smiling and waving triumphantly as their celestial forms floated through the cosmos, America’s Founding Fathers appeared in the sky over the United States on Saturday to wish the greatest nation on earth a happy 250th birthday. “Happy semiquincentennial, America,” said the enormous, beaming visage of George Washington, who materialized …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/founding-fathers-smile-down-on-america-from-outer-space/

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· 3mo ago

Breaking: Salute The General!

The post Breaking: Salute The General! appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/breaking-salute-the-general/

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· 2mo ago

Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’ The post Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’ appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/rep-max-miller-i-refuse-to-resign-over-what-my-wife-made-me-do/

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· 2mo ago

Power-Mad Marvel Claims ‘Night At The Roxbury’ Part Of MCU BURBANK, CA—In a bold and shameless effort to expand their growing reach in the film industry, power-mad Marvel Studios executives claimed Friday that A Night At The Roxbury was part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “The Eurodance-loving crime fighters are an iconic superhero duo who have long been a fixture of the MCU, delighting our audiences […… #theonion https://theonion.com/power-mad-marvel-claims-night-at-the-roxbury-part-of-mcu/

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· 2mo ago

Object Permanence Kicks In Just In Time For Dad To Leave The post Object Permanence Kicks In Just In Time For Dad To Leave appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/object-permanence-kicks-in-just-in-time-for-dad-to-leave/

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· 2mo ago

Matt Damon Defends Dunkin’ Product Placement In Nolan’s ‘Odyssey’ BROOKLYN, NY—Explaining that the prominent iced coffees and chocolate-glazed Munchkins were essential to director Christopher Nolan’s adaptation of the ancient Greek epic, actor Matt Damon defended Tuesday the placement of Dunkin’ Donuts products in the upcoming film The Odyssey. “Look—for a voyage that long, you’d need 50 sausage, egg,… #theonion https://theonion.com/matt-damon-defends-dunkin-product-placement-in-nolans-odyssey/

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· 2mo ago

‘Time To Become Immortal,’ Announces RFK Jr., Exposing Perineum Atop Solar Tower SAN BERNARDINO COUNTY, CA—Tugging down his blue jeans as tens of thousands of heliostat mirrors angled the noonday sun in his direction, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly overheard saying “Time to become immortal” Monday while he exposed his perineum atop the Ivanpah 2 … #theonion https://theonion.com/time-to-become-immortal-announces-rfk-jr-exposing-perineum-atop-solar-tower/

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· 3mo ago

Adam Sandler Unwinds After Busy Weekend Officiating 6 Back-To-Back Weddings

The post Adam Sandler Unwinds After Busy Weekend Officiating 6 Back-To-Back Weddings appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/adam-sandler-unwinds-after-busy-weekend-officiating-6-back-to-back-weddings/

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· 3mo ago

Mom Packs Son’s Lunch Box With Leftover Fireworks

The post Mom Packs Son’s Lunch Box With Leftover Fireworks appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/mom-packs-sons-lunch-box-with-leftover-fireworks/

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· 3mo ago

California Bans ‘Sell By’ Food Labels

California banned the use of “sell by” labels on food packaging in an effort to cut down on food waste caused by consumers misinterpreting its meaning. What do you think?
The post California Bans ‘Sell By’ Food Labels appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/california-bans-sell-by-food-labels/

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· 2mo ago

Stella Leonard Park ranger Stella Leonard, 37, succumbed to her injuries Thursday after being mauled by a tourist. The post Stella Leonard appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/stella-leonard/

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· 3mo ago

TJ Maxx Adds Meat FRAMINGHAM, MA—In an effort to provide customers with an ever-wider variety of merchandise at steep discounts, executives at TJ Maxx announced Tuesday that the off-price retail chain had begun selling meat in all of its stores. Visits to multiple TJ Maxx locations confirmed that alongside their usual offerings of clothing, footwear, and home decor, the […] The post TJ Maxx Adds Meat appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/tj-maxx-adds-meat/

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· 2mo ago

World Cup Reinvigorates Nation’s Interest In Kicking Things WASHINGTON—Having been provided with a powerful reminder that legs were not merely for standing around on, millions of Americans confirmed Friday that the World Cup had reinvigorated their interest in kicking things. “Seeing all these guys kicking balls on TV has really opened my eyes to how satisfying it is to swing your legs around […] The pos… #theonion https://theonion.com/world-cup-reinvigorates-nations-interest-in-kicking-things/

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· 1mo ago

Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy WASHINGTON—Calling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nation’s most precious natural treasures for the president’s descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch of American land for future Trumps to enjoy. “We’re proud to safeguard these … #theonion https://theonion.com/dept-of-interior-sets-aside-2-3-million-acres-for-future-trumps-to-enjoy/

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· 3w ago

Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell The lovely couple could not afford the time off work, so they wed in eight 15-minute chunks over three days during their allotted bathroom breaks. The post Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/ella-lousie-bauer-and-aron-howell/

Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell

Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell

The lovely couple could not afford the time off work, so they wed in eight 15-minute chunks over three days during their allotted bathroom breaks.

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 2mo ago

Everyone Needs To Calm Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone CLARKTON, NC—Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down. “Okay, everyone, let’s just take a deep breath and pull ourselves together,” said Kruze, who, after discharging his … #theonion https://theonion.com/everyone-needs-to-calm-down-reports-man-who-accidentally-shot-someone/

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net

· 2mo ago

Trump Insists Frequent Naps Necessary To Protect U.S. Interests In Dreamland WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending his controversial closed-eye moments, President Donald Trump insisted Monday that his frequent naps were necessary to protect U.S. interests in Dreamland. “It may be hard to tell from where you’re sitting, but trust me, I’m not taking it easy in Dreamland,” said the 80-year-old Tr… #theonion https://theonion.com/trump-insists-frequent-naps-necessary-to-protect-u-s-interests-in-dreamland/

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