The Daily Tism [Unofficial]

This article is an It’s a Superpower?? special, set in the world of our upcoming audio sitcom! To find out more, see the bottom of the piece. An allistic woman with a tragically autistic nephew has reportedly been left “angry, scared and without assistance from...

A guest who decided to “just drop by” unannounced has reportedly discovered that an autistic man lives in a house made of garbage inside a larger house made of house.  Dexter Livingstone, 29, who was expecting an Amazon parcel, made the error of opening his...

An autistic woman’s so-called “emotional support animal” is just a limbless mini-dinosaur who doesn’t care whether she lives or dies, it has been reported. Peperami, a snake owned by 29-year-old Tricia Squire, views humans as big warm-blooded apes whose sole purpose is to bring him...

An autistic woman has been winning at mental health ever since she read a science fiction novella about an order of Roman Catholic nuns being very gay on a spaceship, reports have confirmed. Miya Wilkes, 30, read Sisters of the Vast Black by Lina Rather...

A queer autistic woman’s friendship group is as fraught with drama as a Rumors-era Fleetwood Mac, eyewitnesses have claimed. Abeer Zaki, 24, reports having formed close friendships with four other twentysomethings at her local board game café. The five reportedly grew close, although multiple love...

An email initially described by an autistic woman as “terrifying” has been discovered to be absolutely harmless after she clicked through. Talia Cohen, 34, received an email from her manager with the frightening subject line “Booking in a quick chat to check in”, which was...

An autistic stuntman has dazzled onlookers with his latest daredevil act: eating two foods at the same time. Robert Noot, 24, a professional stuntman who performs under the name Ootvel Knootvel, displayed this feat to a packed crowd of 1,200 autistic guests and confused neurotypical...

An autistic person who spent the last three decades masking in order to appear cool has reportedly unmasked only to discover that their coolest form was the very thing they were masking in the first place.  Luca Mignon, 33, who has spent their entire life...

An autistic woman has demolished her home and squandered her livelihood in pursuit of the source of a mysterious high-pitched buzzing noise, it has been revealed. Niamh Callaghan, 43, first noticed the buzzing on Wednesday afternoon at 5.08pm. She immediately set to work unplugging all...

An autistic PhD student has come up with a research topic so obscure and complex that it may have transcended human language, sources have claimed.   Kit McGodden, 25, wrote an 80,000 word introduction, at which point they realised that they had accidentally written a...

An autistic man attempting to make small talk with a man servicing his boiler has finally resorted to straight-up Ask Jeeves-ing it, sources have reported. Aidan Michaels, 29, began to realise he was in trouble conversationally after a brief foray into the topic of the...

An AuDHD woman is reportedly finally going to solve all her problems with one more “boom” phase of her lifelong boom-and-bust cycle. Navya Randhawa, 38, has had “learn to slow down” on her to do list for the past 15 years, and says she will...

An autistic woman is either the most unnecessarily polite person you’ve ever met in your entire life or murderously hangry with no in between, sources have revealed.  Marketing executive Lottie Fitzgerald, 25, who should have had a snack an hour ago but didn’t want to...

An audience comprised predominantly of autistic people have been left “unsure of what the fuck to wear” to the virtual world premiere of a new audio sitcom, it has been announced.  The invitation to the live launch of The Daily Tism’s new show by and...

An autistic man with a special interest in the Harry Potter series has made the decision to value the lives and dignity of his trans friends more than a book about a wizard who grows up to be a cop, leaving you with no excuse...

An autistic woman has completed enough courses on LinkedIn to become possibly the most neurotypical person alive. Deborah Whitehead, 34, takes LinkedIn courses whenever she needs to look busy at work, but believes she may have “girlbossed too close to the sun” and now knows...

An autistic man is overwhelmed by anxiety due to the job he has had for years and can do in his sleep, according to eyewitnesses. IT technician Lucas Fletcher, 46, reportedly does not mind talking on the phone all day because he has seen and...

An autistic woman is lamenting the fact that she only really gets obsessed with special interests which make her seem desperately uncool or deeply weird, it has been revealed. Mary Walker, 29, made the realisation midway through a conversation at work, where she had been...

The latest UK heatwave has reportedly caused one autistic woman to embrace a life of piety to prevent having to spend her afterlife anywhere hotter. Chi-Young Lee, 29, was happy being a sinner until the apocalyptic English weather tested her thermoregulation issues to the point...

An AuDHD man has been left “appalled” by people trying to speak to him before he becomes fully functional sometime in the early evening, reports have claimed. Naveed Azkhat, 42, suffered the grave offence after emerging into his living room, where his family were lying...

Allistic society is reportedly surprised by the autism diagnosis of a man who conducted an entire four-hour docuseries from his under his duvet because “I’m a hermit. If I’m not on stage, I’m in bed”. Robbie Williams, 52, who already has a public ADHD diagnosis...

An autistic adult is reported to have learned that stickers on fruit are there to aid identification and pricing, and are not, in fact, a little present from the distributor in recognition of just how arduous eating fruit can be. Jay Chester, 26, has so...

A community LGBTQ+ Pride event this week has been revealed to also be a celebration of and by neurodivergent people, entirely by accident, when they discovered nearly all of the LGBTQ+ people there were autistic as hell. Eyewitnesses claimed that questions were raised during the...

An autistic man who ages in reverse says he cannot wait to see what health issue he’ll get to cast off next. Benjamin Button, who was born at 100 and is currently on his way back to a sprightly 45, looks forward to every passing...

The editors of the successful satirical website The Daily Tism have started to catch on to the Star Trek references scattered like crew members in a transporter throughout one of their writer’s submissions.  Sara Gibbs, 38, and Sarah Amero, 28, are reportedly “not that into...

This article is an It’s a Superpower?? special, set in the world of our audio sitcom! To find out more, see the bottom of the piece. A pair of world-famous magicians who charitably agreed to meet their “biggest autistic fan” immediately regretted their generosity after...

An autistic woman’s day working from home was reportedly ruined by your request that she join a video call at short notice, you absolute psychopath.  Talia Cohen, 40, was in full goblin mode when you interrupted her mid-task to demand that she run through her...

An AuDHD woman about to start her period has reportedly been compared to Jason Bourne after failing to recall any biographical information about herself. Noriko Hamazaki, 35, has been experiencing a rapid deterioration in cognitive function as her period draws closer, leading her to forget...

An autistic man on a day out at a theme park spent the entire time working out how and when to scream while on a rollercoaster, sources have revealed. Graeme Hart, 38, came to the realisation that something was amiss while on the ride Swarm...

An autistic woman who habitually apologises to furniture when she accidentally bumps into it becomes a sadistic bloodthirsty monster when unleashed onto video games, sources report. Emma Bernard, 25, who still baulks at selecting the mean dialogue options during in-game conversations, absolutely fucking loves slaughtering...

A new website has launched allowing people who like to collect dead relatives to trace the autism running through their family tree, according to a recent press release. After logging on to YeOldeAutisme.com, users are presented with a digital portfolio of letters, newspaper clippings, census...

An AuDHD person has finally built up a bank of Instagram Reels designed to address every issue they have had, currently have, and will ever have, it has been reported. Des Ackerman, 31, scrolls their feed looking for videos made by the kind of self-actualised...

People who don’t wither as soon as the mercury rises above 20 degrees Celsius are having an absolute blast, it has been rumoured. The freaks, who think nothing of standing at a flaming barbecue while Ragnarok kicks off around them, are reportedly keen to outdo...

A middle-aged autistic woman who expressed concern at the younger generation getting into addictive, expensive parasocial relationships with LLM generated anime chatbots is a hypocrite, sources have revealed. Beth Hapworth, 46, frequently voices her worries while sitting in front of a shelving unit covered in...

An autistic man is believed to have become a bit too good at masking, since he turned bright green and started whizzing around like Taz the Tasmanian devil, reports have confirmed.  Ben Espenson, 40, was advised by his friends that he should be more outgoing...

An autistic woman’s complicated and nuanced internal monologue listing the litany of challenges and obstacles that beleaguer her on a daily basis is only ever shared with the world as a vague variant of “Oh it’s just so HARD”, sources have reported. Audio engineer Emma...

An autistic person who sent too many texts in a row actually, er, has something important they need an answer about, it has been claimed. 19-year-old Avery Mann’s need to be thorough, coupled with their excited stream-of-consciousness communication style, means they are a notorious octuple-texter...

An autistic woman has experienced the abject horror of having to eat lunch out of a container other than a pleasingly shallow pasta bowl, it has been reported. Abeer Zaki, 40, thought all her friends were on the same page as her, but after a...

An autistic man aboard a flight has admitted that the squalling infant a few rows behind him is having a totally valid menty b, according to reports. Onye Egbuchunam, 50, was trying to sleep on the flight from Dublin to New York when baby Des...

An AuDHD woman with an increasingly large collection of yarn, needles, and stitch markers is only vaguely aware of the concept of “knitting”, it has been reported. Pippa Durham, 33, has been gathering a variety of expensive and rare wools and other knitting-related paraphernalia for...

An autistic woman has replaced her local community mental health team with the edgy middle-aged men who have been propping up her emotional wellbeing since she was a teenager, it has been claimed. Krista Shure, 35, has given up on ringing her local non-emergency mental...

Your next-door neighbour has reportedly confirmed that they were done with the leafblower ages ago and are now just running it as an exercise in free will. Kit McGodden, 34, who has never given you any other reason to suspect they weren’t a rational human...

Your one and only friend who you didn’t meet on a Stargate SG-1 messaging board in the early 2000s is reportedly “too neurotypical” to understand any of your references to either popular or unpopular culture. Kelsey Dacey, 37, is apparently what’s known as a “regular...

A groundbreaking new documentary reportedly seeks to question the conventional narrative around the mysterious and unknowable orb at the centre of our galaxy. The Great Sun Myth, from the producers of Not Quite Walls, Not Quite Gaps: What are Doors? and Trees: What’s Their Game?,...

An autistic man has been called a “glutton for punishment” after it was revealed he lives in one of the most overwhelming cities in the world of his own free will. Graeme Hart, 56, traded the infinitely more sensible Hertfordshire for London thirty years ago,...

An autistic birthday girl has drawn up a list of approved surprises for her family to prevent any actual surprises, it has been rumoured. Krista Shure, who is about to turn 12, says she has enough to deal with without the prospect of her family...

An autistic person’s carefully constructed imaginary escape from reality has been ruined by their carefully constructed imaginary set of rules, it has been rumoured. Luca Mignon, 35, who has reportedly spent years lovingly building what’s known as a paracosm, an elaborate inner world where everything...

The world’s only autistic couple with a semi-functional household and a relatively clean set of surfaces have attributed their success to a perfectly interlocking spiky skill set, sources have reported.  Lucas Fletcher and Ben Espenson, both 30, had their meet-cute in the cleaning supplies aisle...

A man you immediately got along famously with at an event is not even going to entertain the possibility of staying in touch, according to eyewitnesses. Ben Espenson, 33, was seated next to you at a pottery workshop, and it was not long before the...