The Beaverton [Unofficial]

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced a national design-and-build competition for the restoration of 24 Sussex Drive, the winner of which will receive full blame for their efforts. The official residence has been vacant for a decade due to problems with mould, asbestos, and pests such as previous Prime Ministers. The contest to […] The post Carney announces competition to win blame for 24 Sussex restoration appeared first on The Beaverton.

NEW YORK STATE – In the wake of several progressive Democratic primary victories, American pundits have expressed extreme concern over the victors’ “far left politics” despite those Democrats effectively being soft Poilievre Conservatives if they were to run in Canada. “These Mamdani-backed communists want to destroy democracy and institute breadlines!” proclaimed the Wall Street Journal’s […] The post “Democratic socialists are taking over!!” declared about US politicians who would at best be Canadian Red Tories appeared first on The Beaverton.

WASHINGTON D.C. – As President Trump threatens to tariffs due to smoke from Canadian wildfires, he is also lambasting Prime Minister Carney over failure to pay for American smoke crossing over into British Columbia. With wildfires south of the border sending smoke north, leading to air quality warnings in regions of B.C., Trump unloaded on […] The post Trump Admin demands to know why Ottawa not paying for American smoke crossing into Canada appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – Pollsters report a split among Canadians over the idea of higher tax on the assets of wealthy individuals, though support skyrockets after noting that Kevin O’Leary has vowed that he will respond to a wealth tax by moving far away. With the Dragon’s Den TV personality loudly proclaiming that a wealth tax would […] The post Canadians overwhelmingly demand wealth tax after Kevin O’Leary says it will make him move away appeared first on The Beaverton.

LOS ANGELES – Following the death of beloved 80-year-old British actor Tim Curry, observers have noted a coterie of anonymous upper crust suspects arriving at his mansion in order to investigate the mystery what actually happened to him. Curry, the star of Rocky Horror Picture Show, Muppet Treasure Island, and countless more classics, will reportedly […] The post Report: Tim Curry’s death to be investigated by suspicious group of eccentrics gathering at his house appeared first on The Beaverton.