Phantom Kitty (Trans)

I wanted to use this account to talk about my gender stuff, so I should do that. Since being "laid off" (contract ended) last December, I have moved from wearing my forms when no one was around to "screw it, I am wearing them all the time". Well, not around family, since I only see them at big events; one brother lives 4 hours away and other and I are not in the same social circles.

It now feels wrong when I don't have some forms on. It helps that my t-shirts are not tight so they are not immediately noticeable. But of all the body changes I want to make, having breasts was the big one. I was never medically able to go onto HRT so forms have to fill in that role. And I do have different size forms, so I can use smaller ones at work (whenever I get a job again) than I do at home.

I do still get gender dysphoria and jealousy due to other changes I can never make (I want to be rid of all my body hair for example, but not with how my skin reacted when I tried to have that done).

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@JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw This sounds like every convention that I pack for to attend. I always bring too much so I have options, then use maybe a third of what I bring.

@desea@akko.cuddlegirls.cafe As a teen and early/mid 20's, I had noticeable breasts, much to the hatred of my father, who could not stand that I had a mix of male and female physical characteristics. I was a bit overweight during these years, which enhanced my breast size. While In the Navy, they tried to make me lose weight, this caused my breasts to shrink and I had an emotional episode over it. I could not work out for years after that incident, and gained too much weight.

20 years later, I am in much better shape now, and much lower weight. I still have smaller breasts, and use breast forms to enhance things to the level where I feel comfortable. Had I not learned about breast forms and started using them, I could not have gotten past my natural breasts shrinking as part of the weight loss that I needed to do.

This weekend I was at a furry con. I didn't bring my enfemme hip padding with me, just my small breast forms that I wore all the time. And I was surprised that I never had any problems, even when outside of con space which usually has me self-conscience about wearing them.

I've lost a lot of weight so the big belly is gone, it is not a flat belly but not like it used to be. So maybe now I can finally get the right body shape, which will help a lot to my not hating my appearance.

I went out for Veteran's Day dinner tonight in gender neutral mode (my typical mode). I got ma'amed by a few people thanking me for my service. Nice feeling when I wasn't even trying to look overtly femme.

I am going to hate tomorrow. I have a physical appointment with my doctor, so I can't wear my forms. This is at the request of my doctor, the forms and bra caused problems with some stuff she was checking. It is annoying and I hate being without my forms, I usually only skip wearing them when I have to attend family events in the summer (in the winter, thicker clothing help minimize the look but I know that they are there).

I thought that I was doing better, but the last couple of months have been a lot harder. Maybe that will change when I finally find a new job, but I am not depending on it.

Dumb Mastodon question: I thought Mastodon had a "translate post" feature where if the post was not in the language you set for your account, you could click the translate button and get a version of the post in your language. I could have sworn that I have seen this in the past, but I can't find it now. Was I imagining this feature?

I tend to only come here to post emotionally down items. So time to post an up. Yesterday I was at a meet-up, not trying to look femme but being somewhat endogenous. This is how I typically am presenting these days, wearing neutral clothing because I find it more comfortable. I have lost a lot of weight over the last year and my belly is now gone, so I am able to wear tighter jeans. I kept getting ma'am-ed by the staff all night. It made my night.

It's taken way too long to get back to this point, but I am finally starting to get people seeing me how I want to be seen. It is a struggle because I can't be full time femme, and even if I was, my style is tomboyish (same as what my mother did). It helps that I have stopped caring what others around me think of me and just being myself. Now if only I could do that around my family and at work.

I know the expression "you don't owe anyone femininity", but I want it for myself, I just can't achieve it. I will be happy with just being seen as a woman.