futuredadOfTwo🙋🏻‍♂️

i do not think the lines are real on flame grilled la croix

i regret going out to eat with edward hopper this diner does not even seem to have a door

most mimes stick to the following code:

ME, in a tank top: i wear my heart on my sleeve

you mess with the bull you get the horns. you mess with the goat you get the woodwinds. the horse has the string section and the rabbit is on percussion

most of being a homeowner is wondering ‘who the cuss do they think they are parking there??’ the rest is ignoring the word ‘meow’ in the middle

uncanny valley ranch

ME: i’ll get that from the living room for you, babe {three seconds later} what the heck am i doing in the living room

ME: this is so soft i wonder what it is made of

MRS: alpaca fur

ME: where are we going? is it cold?

hello fediverse. 13 years with no alcohol today 🙋🏻‍♂️

i cut in front of everyone to ask what kind of skates i should get and got told “get in line”

[11:59 pm]

STEVE MILLER: almost time to toke

S L O R P 👅🐕🖤

#dogsofmastodon

a shopping center for voids that is terrible is called an abysmal abyss mall

the owner always freaks out when i bring down the cool portrait i found in their attic

Lynyrd Skynyrd was all like “lord knows i can’t change” and then immediately changed tempos

i stole swords from my fencing club and i’m gonna sell the stolen goods with my fencing club

[guy who always makes the conversation about his vinyl collection] you mean the b-side of the moon

shoot for the moon and if you miss you are not a good moon assassin

studies have shown that regenerative braking in hybrid vehicles is more effective if the driver goes “nom nom nom”

if you free run right alongside someone it is called parallel parkouring

not many people know this but lois lane has a cousin named life in the fast

bro your laurels are you resting on them

gotta get my camouflage ready for the easter egg hunt

hey babe can you come pick me up from the zoo i guess arctic monkeys aren’t even real

after one masters ASCII they move on to ASCIII and possibly even ASCIV

la croix only has flavor on the dark side of the moon

i can do an excellent impression of anyone being speechless

daytime television has the cleanest programming from all the soap operas

[monarch butterfly flirting]

let’s make this migration “ourgration”

the explorers planning their wedding have chosen a frontiered cake