Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
My annoying neighbour asked what minerals I was digging up and if he could have some. I just wish he would mine his own bismuth.
#LunchPun
Remote
John-Paul Keates
@jpkeates@mastodon.social
mastodon 4.8.0-nightly.2026-10-06Retired
My posts are almost entirely jokes and terrible puns.
A dyslexic with a Brian the size of a planet.
1040 Followers
1548 Following
50 Posts
Joined August 11, 2018
Location:
West Midlands, UK
Born:
1961
Status:
Damaged, but functional.
"How did you find it?"
"We didn't; it knocked on the door and told us about itself."
Because the race of centaurs was believed to live in Greece or Cyprus, most of Europe has always been left of centaur.
And, because they have four hooves, the centaur cannot hold.
In Australia, Pineapple Upside Down Cake is just Pineapple Cake.
Due to the corialananas effect.
If you buy a guinea pig from a pound shop, who owes who a shilling?
For her birthday, my wife wanted to do something low-key.
So we tricked Jörmungandr, the Midgard serpent, into killing Baldr.
Awkward - the direction you walk in to leave the shire.
"There may be trouble ahead". Great song, useless road sign.
I used to wonder where Noah kept the fish on his Ark. Then a wise old priest showed me a ticket for the long stay carp ark.
It's impossible to mistakenly believe you're a hypochondriac.
Girth - how bad ventriloquists enter the world.
I like my men like I like my coffee.
Usually drunk in the morning.
Found my notes on the doctor’s desk before he came in - apparantly I'm a kleptomaniac with high blood pressure. Took that with a pinch of salt.
Well played Guardian Quiz, well played for the answers!
"No, YOU'RE under arrest".
The officer looks even more confused.
One way in which the war in Iran is looking more and more like Vietnam is that, throughout, Donald Trump has not left the USA.
Retail in Spain is confusing. Loss leaders are just the people in charge.
French castles were so well defended by Joan of Arc, they stopped surrounding them with water. This moating could have been a female.
Tea Clippers were specialist sailing ships designed to transport tea at high speeds.
They were needed because if the milk tankers arrived before the tea transports, many of the British rioted.
Transcription - Drugs for gender reassignment.
Melancholy - a sheepdog from Northern Italy.
Created a website for lovers of salami, but they won’t let me call it baloney fans.
My wife and I have a proper "old-fashioned" marriage. Bitter and cold, with a lot of bourbon.
Cadillac - Lone golfer.
Stupid to get the prison warders to choose suppliers of smoking gear for the prisoners.
It's turnkeys voting for Rizlas.
See my recipe for Chicken a la Tony Bennett. So far it's only for wings, drumsticks and thighs. The breast is yet to come.
Went to see my doctor and said I wanted to talk about Imposter Syndrome. He went white and ran out of the room.
"I loved your article on the meaning of modicum"
"Thank you, that means a lot"
"Oh, I obviously completely misunderstood it"
Off to that French island near Mauritius.
Rêunion?
Nope—just a vacation.
Spent all morning playing "Doom".
Or, as my wife prefers to call it, being asked my opinion on her possible clothing purchases.
Top Money Saving Tip.
If you serve your dinner guests from plates a different colour than your own, they'll never have a second helping and will, often, leave early.
Context matters. A great fit is good in a tailor's shop and bad in an epileptic's shop.
Apple pie a la mode - A dessert surrounded by angry Mexicans.
People who live in glass houses are almost certainly engaged in a corrupt relationship with the local planning department.
"My greatest weakness is probably my lack of attention to detail....Where has that been a problem in a workplace situation?.. If you look at my resume, you'll see that I was looking for a role as a monitor and spent a decade trapped in a labyrinth in Crete."
Ignoring nostalgia, Top of the Pops should really have been called The Vinyl Countdown.
Switzerland Colombia is the world cup equivalent of a Crystal Palace Fulham Super Sunday
Dick Van Dyke - Umptiddly um pum, um pum poom.
"An ex-England defender has just started work on my farm, helping to harvest the brassicas.
"He's a kale worker?"
"No, it's Keiran Trippier. And why the Italian accent?"
The moment when you realise that the clock on your oven is still set to the Julian calendar.
"Load up on guns, bring your friends." Kurt Cobain.
"Equip yourself with handguns and other weaponry, your acquaintances and those close to you can accompany us." Prolix Cobain
Allegation - Someone saw you later.
I am unsure whether I actually enjoy the music of Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo and Lana Del Ray or just like hearing American women swear.
Not many people know that the only difference between a graveyard and a cemetery is that a cemetery must have an equal number of bodies on both sides.
When you grew up using Windows-based computers, you believe that the movie "F1" is a remake of "Help!".
Witches and other practitioners of magic abandoned autocorrect after someone was cursed and turned into a small man made waterfall every full moon.
Shakespeare was originally going to serve as a ship's boy for Drake's circumnavigation of the globe in 1577. He went even though it upset his parents who wanted him to help with a big party they had planned.
But a bard on the Hind is worth ruining a bash.
Kirsty Wark
used to talk
all the time
about wark rhyme.