Jay

Had a chance to suit up for the first time in months, it felt great.

I'm looking forward to getting a real job and being able to afford a new mask...and gear in general

I have defended my dissertation.

I feel a lot of conflicted and negative feelings about what I've been dealing with. I basically realized I'd been doing research with no oversight, support, scaffolding, or advisor help. I still passed.

I don't think I'm the same person I was before, and I can't tell what I've gained or lost.

I am currently only celebrating the opportunity to move on. I have successfully broken up with the dissertation.

I really want to wear a zentai over a full body silicone muscle suit.

That's genuinely a major incentive for me to get a job, is just having the means to get the gear.

Just the thunky feeling of silicone separated by the dry glide of lycra.

When I visited family in Malaysia at the beginning of this year, I was really stressed out about anyone finding out I was queer. Partly because of stuff my parents said about the country, and partly because that side of the family is in a super homophobic Christian sect.

While there, we passed through an alley trying to get somewhere, and I saw a lone piece of graffiti that said "Punks respect pronouns" on an otherwise blank wall.

That moment is carrying so much of my hope right now.

I WILL complete this degree this year. And I will pivot into work that either pays me significantly more than grad student pay, or is deeply connected to what I care about doing, or both.

The time draws nearer when I start to get fantasies of suiting up as a jolly big beardo.

It's interesting to look at an image of an attractive person and think "I know this was not AI-generated because I saw this shared around on tumblr before AI could generate these kinds of images."

The gay urge to abandon all responsibilities, swaddle oneself in blankets with some plushies, and develop a video game.

I love the big hulking dudes in video games. I wanna have a big hulking dude suit and become a big hulking dude.

It's been months since I suited up, I'm not sure why. I was feeling really horny for a big belly so I stuffed an extra blanket in there. It felt so freaking good.

My deep desire to make enough money so I can dress like a male video game protagonist, including the face smeared with dirt and wearing a sash as a belt or something.

The overthinky part of my brain wonders how much of people's sexuality and capacity to express sexual attraction comes from a 'nurture' stage built from experiences spanning from puberty to late 20s.

And I worry that since I still haven't really dated or done any of that stuff even though I'm in my mid 30s, the result is a dying capacity to connect to others in that way.

That's the feeling. My brain knows that isn't how that really works.

It's just occurring to me now: the only Goosebumps book I ever read was the haunted mask.

Though I didn't actually finish it though cuz I was too scared.

I've been playing a lot of ZZZ since it came out.

I really like Ben. I really want Von Lycaon. None of this information is surprising

It's kinda nice catching up on a piece of media and realizing where all that porn got inspired from.

Facebook was feeding me a lot of Gummigoo soft core muscle TF for a while.