Iruru

Hello.

I have been sitting on what to do and say following the exposition of that group, and my involvement in it, considering I already got burned regarding it before even becoming the talk of the week, and more and more evidence has been coming in and out.

Frankly I do not have much to defend myself over about the things I have said there and in other DMs, other than I have always strived to keep things strictly within the realm of imagination, and that, I *did* very much grow too comfortable about discussing and expressing very fucked up topics, to put it plainly. I also don't want to hide behind that excuse to appear as if I didn't act desensitized to topics and ideas surrounding normalizing harmful thoughts and behavior, "even if I'm not really doing anything myself".

However I don't appreciate that I am being put in the same basket as the crowd that was actively circle jerking around CSAM, grooming and sexually harassing minors.
And, I really don't love the fact that this all got blown up by a bunch of whistleblowers, who were happy to keep the information to themselves as blackmail until convenient.
I categorically refused to be part of their other space where they shared content, and I honestly always have had an ick about the people involved, even despite appearing somewhat comfortable chatting around them as much as I did, putting on a playful face, just clearly not lucid enough about the situation to do anything or realize in how much shit I'm going to be, sticking around them.
I fully admit that I should have done something once I became aware of what was happening, and that this still doesn't make me innocent, simply for the fact that I intrinsically kept it a secret as a result of remaining silent.

Now, I do not ask for forgiveness in any way, and I don't think I intend to continue to exist much in this space, as this has mostly been a very long string of bad judgements and decisions for me.
But I just want to be left alone and not included among that bunch so much, as I feel that I am mostly a footnote in the grand scheme, and I seriously have been fearing for my own safety as this gets more and more blown up, when I just feel an insane amount of guilt for how stupid and idiotic I have acted.

Whatever I like to do, I always want to make sure to keep it entirely fictional, and minors far and away from it. I do not condone real abuse in any way, it is gut wrenching and I personally would rather die than live with the fact that I ruined a child's life over some passing urge, or even, that I helped keep demand for harmful content through its consumption.

I hope this is better than burying my head under all the noise. I firmly believe that my involvement with other people, public or otherwise, over the years, has been a big mistake of mine, as I have always been liable to be easily influenced, leading to that sort of slippery slope.

At the very least, I want to apologize to anyone else I may have personally hurt through my actions and words, for whatever good that could do. I was completely out of line and not thinking straight. And I want to thank the aethy staff for giving me the benefit of the doubt and a chance to explain myself like so.

As I write all this I struggle to even begin to forgive myself and think this isn't just trying to appease my own conscience. I strongly believe there's no point in trying to hide the truth or reduce what I did, so all I can do is attempt to honestly face the facts and call outs against my person. Believe me, I know what I am guilty of, and from now on, I strive to be better than that, and hopefully allow myself to move on, little by little, in time.

Thank you for your time reading this, I'm sorry for the trouble I caused and I promise to grow from my mistakes.