Gr8day

My brother took going to jail rather poorly.
He refused food and drink.
He spat and swore at anyone who came close to him and started throwing things everywhere.
After that we NEVER played Monopoly again.

PRO TIP:
Carry binoculars when hiking, so when you make frequent stops,
it looks like you are appreciating nature and not fighting for air.

"Honey, it says this cruise line caters to families with kids."
"Really, what's it called?"
"Are We There Yacht."

The woman serving me at Burger King today had a badge on her left breast that said 'Pat.'
Long story short, I'm now banned from Burger King.

I was today's day old when I realized the difference between a butt dial and a booty call.

A: Who's your favorite literary vampire?
B: The one on Sesame Street.
A: He doesn't count.
B: I assure you, he does.

I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

My biggest mistake was challenging Death to a pillow fight.
I was NOT prepared for the reaper cushions.

My girlfriend poked me in the eye.
I stopped seeing her.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, and got distracted on the way back.
I have no idea what's going on, and now I have to pee. 😏

Wow, running into your old statistics professor, would be like, "what are the chances?"

"Pretty sure my clowns are about to lay eggs," is an absolutely terrifying sentence from anyone other than my coworker with a saltwater aquarium.

Job interview:
"It says here on your CV that your first job was as a shop window mannequin."
"Yes, I held that position for a long time."

I never did find out what the Knights In White sat in.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's paper cutting device at the origami workshop.
I can't believe I lost the Rock's paper scissors.

Me: "Doctor, I can't stop singing "What's New Pussycat."
Dr: "Sounds like 'Tom Jones Syndrome'."
Me: "The 'Tom Jones Syndrome,' is that common?"
Dr: "It's not unusual."

When an eel has a maw with a pharyngeal jaw,
that's a moray.

I'm proud to announce I've opened a new paternity testing facility in Indiana,
It's called, "Hoosier Daddy."

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So, whenever I forget it, the computer will say, "your password is incorrect."

My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled . . .
"No," I said, "I think all kids smell that way."

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.

Someone stole my cup of coffee!
I'm headed to the police station to look at mugshots.

My friend Jay had twin girls. He wanted to name them after him.
I suggested Kaye and Elle.

I went to the doctor with a suspicious mole.
He said they all look that way, and to take it back to the woods.

I'm trying to get into classical music,
but I can't find any original recordings.
All the music is performed by cover bands.

The formula to measure the area of a pun is:
length x wit

If pro is the opposite of con,
it only makes sense that the opposite of progress is congress.

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.

Most people have heard of Karl Marx, but few know of his sister, Onya, a former Olympic runner.
Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes...
They were all in mint condition.

In the news, apparently Tupperware is filling for bankruptcy.
They wanted to keep a lid on it,
but couldn't find one.

Me: I want to divorce my wife.
Lawyer: On what grounds?
Me: She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.
Lawyer: Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating on you?
Me: No, she's out looking for me.

"Daddy, what's wrong with censorship?"
"When puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns."

The Institute Of Unfinished Business has concluded that 8 out of 10 people

My teacher told me not to worry about my spelling because in the future there would be autocorrect, and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Recently I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know which comes first.

"I have a split personality."
Said Bob, being Frank.

I got pulled over and . . .
Cop: "Your license says you should be wearing glasses."
Me: "I have contacts."
Cop: "I don't care who you know."

A joke becomes a Dad Joke once it is apparent.

Can an admin please tell me why my post was removed.
I'm really annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

The magician got so mad, he pulled his hare out.

I asked my daughter with a psychology degree, "So, do you still like hanging out with your dad or am I a case study?"
She glanced at me, picked up her phone, and said, "Subject is aware."

I wish my life had background music
so I could at least know
if I am in a comedy, drama, or horror show.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian
Now I need a Cairo Practor.

I went on a tour of an empty perfume factory.
It made no scents whatsoever.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I'm okay,
but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Bread is like the sun.
It rises in the yeast
and sets in the waist.

The local wig shop was broken into last night.
They've had to replace all the locks.

In a bakery shop:
"I'd like to buy a muffin with chocolate chips."
Shop keeper: "Sorry, we only take cash."

Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.