Geo Holms

Weirdly the last month has been very validating in regards to writing (Ursa Major Award, first published tale) and a heck of a struggle (self-confidence, motivation, editing).

I think overall my writing stuff is fine, just been in a transition phase figuring out some stuff. #writing

Grandma's funeral went about as well as a funeral could go. Was great to see relatives and family haven't seen in 10+ years.

But the reason for those 10+ years haunted the interactions in a way that neither myself or any of then broached. Which...honestly in the setting that's completely fair.

But even outside that setting, when my brothers visited, they didn't dare touch it.

I admit I name dropped my husband a dozen times (because why wouldn't that naturally come up in conversation) and never once did any of them inquire or ask about him. Besides my one sister who's been reaching out herself, but she's just great and accepting.

There's her wedding at end of July, and I'll be very glad to have Brighton there, and hope my parents and siblings will retain the warmth. And show that warmth to him. Because I've made it explicitly clear before: if they can't accept him and my love for him, I can't build a relationship with them.

Co-worker is in office this week to break down the server room.

He's a..very intense and exhausting person.

My job is shifting by the end of this month. For the fourth or fifth time since being at this company, I'll be back in the call queue. Which my manager is trying to spin as positive, but feels like a betrayal.

I've been here for almost eight years and I can never fully get away from the call queue.

So, this month, though I ought to be making push and effort as things shift, I find myself tired and exhausted and frustrated and sad. My motivation to bother with this job knowing I'm going right back to square one is less than zero.

I guess the most annoying part is my current responsibilities is the most I've liked *any* job ever. And to lose that is a hit to the gut that will take some time to come back from.

I think the best method of making myself write is telling myself "I'm just gonna write a sentence/note/few bits and pieces" and then AH-HA YOU'VE FALLEN FOR MY RUSE! YOU'VE ACTUALLY WRITTEN MORE THAN THAT BWAHAHAHA!

Which...fair. Just don't let me know about this ruse. #writing

Need to find the right scheme-to-faff ratio for my day off tomorrow.

Been trying to set aside evening to just chill out by myself.

But also need to re-build nice ways to chill by myself that's not just faffing on the social medias.

Tempted to go to work early just to get through tasks so don't have to worry about them on my day off tomorrow.

In lighter news, I continue to keep puttering along in writing projects. Ranging from building out a superhero-type character (with a very goofy super power) to playing with silly/weird TF concepts for my "secret" alt writing account.

(If you like more mature flavored inanimate TF tales, you can always ask me directly what the account is. But this is closest I'll come to directly advertising it.)

My job position changed earlier this year, and finding the motivation to give a shit about my job has been...mixed.

I actually wasn't moved from position because performance, but rather because local physical location closed. It honestly was the best job I've had before I needed to leave it...which I think is why I'm so done.

And finding that the person who took my previous responsibilities is burning himself out on the BS I'd be pushing back on when I'd left position. And he's not been given foundation to push back on the BS, and now he's floundering.

So...I'm stressed out, he's stressed out, and I'm left very annoyed and further done.

In the grand scheme, the job is fine (compared to a lot of IT gigs) but gosh, doesn't really help me being any less done.