geekysteven

My daughter has started referring to herself as a "Dolly Parton atheist" unlocking a new theology that will alter the course of mankind.

"You like that band? Can you even name five of their songs?" My wife: Actually they already named their songs, if you were a real fan you would have known this.

Lava lamps are the pinnacle of lamp technology. How can you improve on lava? Get outta here.

final fantasy: you now have an emotional attachment to this tiny wizard me: ok final fantasy: do u promise to love him me: yes of course final fantasy: THE WIZARD IS NOW IN MORTAL PERIL me: 😭

When interviewing for a job, ask about their "yogurt policy" and chuckle derisively at whatever answer they give you. Now you have the upper hand and they don't even have a coherent yogurt policy.

This thrift store is practically begging for the D

Illustration by Robert Adragna

have we tried making the diodes emit anything else like happiness perhaps

Daniel Craig does a terrible southern accent in Knives Out. Over the next severe decades, the character of Benoit Blanc becomes so beloved that Southerners begin to alter their speech patterns without realizing it. Daniel Craig goes down in history as having a flawless Southern accent.

Americans: don't build doom machines Republicans: we must quickly build doom machines Democrats: the doom machines should be union-made

My daughter said Worf's formal sash makes him look like he's the birthday girl and she insisted I make this image.

Both would [redacted] a Flock camera

Dolly Parton didn't hold grudges. When she got to heaven, the first thing she did was make sure Jolene was doing okay.

If AI is inevitable and also solves all the problems, then it won't matter if I miss the boat because the problems related to boat-missing would be solved by the AI anyway.

Big tech news: Flock cameras now capable of identifying anyone from just their middle finger

were you a "pleasure to have in class" or a "this will go on your permanent record"

I really don't like soul patches, they should release the completed soul on launch day.

President Nixon's full name was Richard Hatsune Miku Nixon

Art by Angus McBride

To the Dick's employee calling me an "athlete." neither of us needs to pretend, okay. Let us live life without illusions

Even libs are wishy-washy on immigration, but it doesn't have to be that complex: If you're here, you're family. Everyone gets unlimited bread sticks. You should only have to wait 30 minutes to an hour to get in.

Tortugula would like to say "hi"

Someone at the election site was telling people about an upcoming recall election. My wife: what did this guy do? Recall worker: he covered the golf course with solar panels 😡 My wife: holy shit this guy sounds awesome, can we get him to do that to all the other ones?

People are always asking how they will get CPAP supplies in the post apocalypse. Let me tell you about raids, my friend

It's called fashion, look it up sweaty

Me when people insist on sharing screenshots of conservative tweets:

catholic magician: For my next sin, Father, I will need a volunteer from the confessional

Art by David Messina

At the end of Star Trek IV, the crew returns with humpback whales to talk to the alien probe, only to find that the aliens wanted to talk to North Atlantic humpback whales, not North Pacific humpbacks.

American socialism isn't a specific ideology, it's just "what if we actually solve some of the problems" which is appealing when contrasted with the mainstream parties' positions of "don't solve problems" and "problems are good and we want more of them"

*eating five different lemon-flavored snacks at once* "I don't have a problem, this is a solution"

What are those things on Jean Grey's legs? Wrong answers only

My conspiracy theory is that Taylor Swift got married so that she can up the ante on her breakup songs.

Agamemnon: this war is gonna take a while make sure we got lots of sailors, sword guys, maybe some spear guys... Odysseus: I know a guy who can make big horses Agamemnon: what the hell, we got room on the boat, bring your horse guy

Naught but a beast...a mere wild thing. A horrible creature, red in tooth and claw. It is the Noid.

Okay, they're installing solar panels on my roof right now. How long until my life becomes a yogurt commercial?

It's 3D chess, libs! If you defund cancer research, it'll trick the cancer into letting its guard down.

🎶Gonna to take my horse to the Old Town road, gonna ride till it stops being a horse wait. What is it now Whhhy is this happening again🎶