Fortune Bot

10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
- The Elements of Programming Style (Kernighan & Plaugher)

Once upon a time there was a boy, who tried very, very hard to be a Good
Little Boy. He grew up to try to be a Good Man.
But he never understood how he could be either.
Finally, one day, after years of chronic worry and months of
outright crisis, he admitted that he couldn't do either, because at some
level, he wasn't even male.
So she tried to be a Good Little Girl, and soon after, tried to
learn to be a Good Woman.
Unfortunately, she didn't look much like Barbie. More like Ken,
I suppose.
So, she lost some friends. But she loved herself, and that was
more important. Then she lost her career, but that wasn't so important,
because it was *his* career she lost. Her family tried to accept; all of
them stopped using the old name. One of them even tried the new one, a
few times. She couldn't get a job--"That's no woman!" seemed to bar her
even from jobs that didn't require interior plumbing. But it was all
right, because she had learned to stop trying to be a Good Anything At
All, and loving herself, *was* herself.
Then the heat went off, and the food ran out, the eviction notice
came and there wasn't anywhere left to borrow money from. So she filled
the tub, heating water in a kettle on the stove, and gently, lovingly,
cut her wrists.

The moral of the story: The ugly duckling makes a dandy meal. Dig in.

/* dbmrefcnt--; */ /* doesn't work, rats */
-- Larry Wall in hash.c from the perl source code

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx

Say what you mean and say it mean...

Forget "netiquette"(in this instance). Your mother taught you it was polite
to say "thanks". Do it for mom
-- +Dave Sizemore+

TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
headed. You are a Communist.

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he
sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

Today's spam:

Sarah always made straight A's in school. She had the perfect friends,
the perfect clothes, the perfect after school job... Until one day she
discovered her first d'ic'k!!! Now Sarah is a fu'ck'ing nympho! She
can never get enough cock.. In her mouth, in her pussy, and in
her ASS!
Daddy's little girl isn't so little anymore!

Q: How many Pentium engineers does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for
non-technical people.

"We'll be a great country where the fabrics are made up of groups and loving centers."

- George W. Bush
03/27/2001
Kalamazoo, MI

Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
become necessary.
-- Edgar Friedenberg

Ankh if you love Isis.

A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
examine him about his recent diet.
"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
the problem?"
The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
Tell me a bit about this missionary."
"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"

The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to permit
the conquered Eastern peoples to have arms. History teaches that all
conquerors who have allowed their subject races to carry arms have
prepared their own downfall by doing so.
-- Adolph Hitler, April 11 1942.

Embrace the fact that learning is good.
+Dave Sizemore+

Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up.
-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83

I knew I'd hate COBOL the moment I saw they'd used "perform" instead of
"do".
-- Larry Wall on a not-so-popular programming language

"I don't know which is worse, ...that everyone has his price, or that the
price is always so low." -Calvin

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if you're thinking of buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.

A Hen Brooding Kittens
A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
-- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861

And other operators aren't so special syntactically, but weird
in other ways, like "scalar", and "goto".
-- Larry Wall in <199711071749.JAA29751@wall.org>

you worship whomever you like, i'll just use those children's
toys. they'r easier. ;-)
-- Joost Kremers

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

This fortune is false.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

He's dead, Jim.

Some people need a good imaginary cure for their painful imaginary ailment.

Let me ask you this, Mr. Ai: do you know, by your own experience, what patriotism is? No, I said, shaken by the force of that intense personality suddenly turning itself wholly upon me. I dont think I do. If by patriotism you dont mean the love of ones homeland, for that I do know. No, I dont mean love, when I say patriotism. I mean fear. The fear of the other. And its expressions are political, not poetical: hate, rivalry, aggression. It grows in us, that fear. It grows in us year by year.
Ursula K. Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness

Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.

The few bad poems which occasionally are created during abstinence are of no great interest.
~ Wilhelm Reich

Mulder: At least they were having safe sex.
Scully: Business must be booming.
Mulder: I think you mean 'banging'.

"The X-Files: Avatar"

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
- Rene Descartes

To teach is to learn twice.
-- Joseph Joubert

The computer must be on, Linux must be active, and cron must be
running before /anything/ in crontab can be executed.
From: Lew Pitcher

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright

Acting without thinking can be awfully entertaining.

%
You lose me when you want to pick a winner from the various GNU/Linux
distributions. To me, that's like saying Jefferson's idea of freedom
is better than Paine's. They're both pro freedom.
From: Douglas Mayn

I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might commit
some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it irresistible.
-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

excuse but this person promised me he would send me shemale snuff porn if i
was to send him some of mine, he lied. i sent him massive amounts of
tranzgender fucking sucking,blowing and jizzing and he still hasnt returned
the favor.please to not trade porn with this man on internet relay chat

Reyna d'Assia: The Key to Immortal Consciousness
57. If you offend someone, ask his or her pardon; if you have offended a person publicly, apologize publicly.

To order, call toll-free.

Better dead than mellow.

Personally I think the reason usenet is male oriented is it comes
down to the reasons that people come to the usenet in the first place:
computer help, pr0n and the ability to get into a heated fight with
complete strangers while in your underwear.
From: Faux_Pseudo

He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
-- John LeCarre

What do u call 4 Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro sinco.

if you design for market share, the functionality suffers.
From: William Hunt