Floaty Birb

This is mastodon, so I'm going to do some computer programming (for the waifu character): 10 meet 1 other character 20 feign knowledge of prior events 30 say something ominous 40 leave the room 50 GOTO 10 #monsterdon

Guys I hate to tell you this but I think everyone sitting in their room pointing a gun at the door is a stupid plan. Everyone should sit in the same room and glare at each other. That might also be a dumb plan but it is a less dumb plan. #monsterdon

After Nora shoots the millionaire and conveniently screams and flees in terror, the doctor dunks the millionaire's body into the Chekhov's Acid Pit. Then the waifu stops playing dead and wanders into the cellar to see where the doctor is. All the doors close behind her of their own accord... #monsterdon

The doctor hears the organ music and/or screaming and knocks on the millionaire's door, explaining that he's organizing a search party to find whoever has left the room in hopes that they can save someone from dying. Both agree to his plan and wander around with guns being suspicious of each other. #monsterdon

Yo evil crime doctor and evil crime waifu, have you considered all the ways this plan could go wrong? like what if Nora doesn't want to shoot anyone or has bad aim or doesn't find the millionaire or decides to run from the house in terror or.... oh wait, nevermind it went according to plan. she shot the millionaire in the cellar. the insane rube goldberg plan worked, somehow. Hmmm. #monsterdon

This house looks nice. Very fancy. I like the patterned blocks everywhere, very decorative. #monsterdon

After telling the pilot some ominous things, the waifu leaves the room and goes to her main bedroom, pretending to brush her hair when the millionaire arrives and denying knowledge of any other event that happened. An Ominous Conversation is Enjoyed By All. #monsterdon

The doctor (I think) wanders into the room with the dead wife and we learn they faked her death. They have an illicit love affair involving a rube goldberg plan in which they will frighten Nora with fake supernatural nonsense in order to kill the millionaire husband so they can inherit millions of dollars and also kiss. #monsterdon

In the hallway, Nora sees the dead waifu hanging again. Then a spooky looking hand tries grabbing her from behind and she runs into the parlour, where an organ keyboard plays by itself, so she screams at that also and runs away. #monsterdon

Anyway we all go to our separate rooms and lock ourselves in. A random ceiling bleeds on the older lady again. The pilot goes to the same room as Nora and says the he's going to the police. He ignores her when she suggests maybe the millionaire wasn't the one to ambush her. He also ignores her when she wants to go with him, saying that she's "safer here", which sounds wrong. Then he wanders into a door that closes behind him and we hear some knocking and/or hammering. #monsterdon

Anyway, after she leaves the room the waifu meets the bumped head guy, who I guess is the jet pilot. She pretends she did not talk to the girl who sees ghosts before and asks what happened. She says that she thinks her husband would kill her if he could and it's also very suspicious that all of his previous wives died. Then she leaves the room. #monsterdon

The guest fondling the knife earlier says that the ghosts hit the guy and wonders why they didn't kill him. The young woman tells the rest of the guests about the ghosts but they dismiss it as "hysteria" to make the feminists of the future angry. Then everyone drinks wine and smokes cigarettes. #monsterdon

Because their first exploration attempt went so well, the bumped head guy and the young woman guest explore the same place again. By knocking on walls they seem to be deducing a secret chamber that lies between two other closets in the wine closet. They split up and then the young woman sees a sliding old hook nosed lady who slid by her making a goofy face and screams. Then the boy comes back and doesn't see it and doesn't believe her. #monsterdon

One of the guests wisely asks why the millionaire is doing this and what this bullshit is all about anyway, and the millionaire explains that he's doing this because he wants to see what happens when people meet ghosts and if they scared. The guest who found the knife then tells us that the house has had at least 4 murders in it. Then we wander off to another room where a ceiling decides to bleed on another guest. #monsterdon

After our guests meet each other the doors mysteriously close on their own and the chandelier mysteriously falls down. Oooo spoooky! #monsterdon

The woman who saw the sliding old lady gets the rest of the the guests and directs them to the room where the one guy went in and tells them about the sliding old lady (which she thinks is a ghost, it probably is) and about the guy getting trapped in a secret closet. The guests go to investigate but they open the secret closet door easily and found the guy crashed on the floor with a bumped head. #monsterdon

@springdiesel@spore.social I am pretty sure they never explained where the second lab came from, and also it made no sense. Maybe it's a duplicate sent to the past from a sequel to this movie that was never made. #monsterdon

@springdiesel@spore.social I like the "aborted sequel" explanation better, but I guess the command center doing technobabble makes as much sense as anything else that happened? #monsterdon

Yo if someone was giving me $10,000 to stay in a spooky house all night I think I would drink some coffee to enjoy the caffeine jitters and also be awake to run away from the ghosts if necessary. #monsterdon

@jsadow@c18.masto.host I was kind of thinking they'd visit more times and maybe do stuff in the times they visited. Also, it seemed like they were setting up some plot where they had to do a quest from the future aliens to prevent the dark future from occurring that really didn't go anywhere. #monsterdon

@jsadow@c18.masto.host maybe they used up all the budget on the radio parts and didn't have any left to include a location beyond the "jungle" and "cave" sets? #monsterdon

The waifu decides to stare at the acid pit, from which a skeleton rises and chases her. She tries to escape and it chases her, talking in the millionaire's voice and beckoning her into the acid pit. While screaming at it she walks backwards toward the pit until the skeleton pushes her in. Then we get a reveal and see that the millionaire had some funky ass puppetteer harness that he was using to move the skeleton. And also that he killed the doctor too earlier. #monsterdon

Having killed his would be killers, the millionaire monologues over the acid pit, explaining that he saw through their rube goldberg murder plot. The other guests run into the cellar and he tells them that he loaded Nora's gun with blanks and also they both tripped and fell into the acid pit. The knife fondler adds that now there are more ghosts in the house and they're coming from him now and the movie is like "okay bro" and ends. #monsterdon

@CactuarJoe@retro.pizza while very bad, Journey to the Center of Time was still less bad than In the Year 2889, the movie with the people farting around a mansion during an apocalypse and talking about eugenics. #monsterdon

Suppose I tell you to not go anywhere in the house by yourself, and then leave the room. Is the only way you can follow my advice for you to stay put in the room then? #monsterdon

We take a tour of the house that I miss part off due to being distracted. We discover an acid pit in the basement that was used for murder. Then I guess we split up so we can all be murdered individually. One guy and one girl wander the wine celler, then the guy goes off into a closet or secret passage and a door closes behind him on its own and the girl can't open it. Then she sees an old lady in a dress slide up in the darkness and then slide back as a Piano Goes Crazy. #monsterdon

@jsadow@c18.masto.host A pompous speech or two would also have been a much better use of run time than most of what was in that movie. I am baffled they spent that much money on two extremely orange sets and did not think to include much acting. #monsterdon

Nora, the young woman character, decides to wander around more corridors by herself. She finds a severed head in a box. Then a guy we haven't seen grabs her mouth and says "come with us before he kills you!" so she screams and runs away. Then she meets the other guests and tells them that she wants to leave. It's not yet midnight, so a door opens and the servants appear, one is the guy we saw earlier and the other is the "ghost" character, who we are told is blind. #monsterdon

all night fediverse ghost coffee party when? #monsterdon

The young woman is sick of the men not believing her, so she goes chasing for the ghost herself and meets the rich waifu instead. The waifu tells the young lady that everyone is in danger and tells her to not go anywhere in the house by herself. She asks who they are in danger from and she responds "I hope for your sake you never find out." An excellent cryptic response 10/10. Then she leaves the room. #monsterdon

yo what's the deal with the severed head? is it a real severed head? if so, whose head is it? #monsterdon

Anyway the millionaire gives all the guests guns because he's rich and that's stupid. Evidently this was his waifu's idea, but she doesn't want a gun. The knife fondler objects that guns are no good against ghosts, against which you need bladed weapons with the Spectral Touch ability. Someone else wisely points out that if Nora had a gun when she saw the blind woman she might have shot her. #monsterdon

This movie starts with a black void, then with a scream and then with floating heads telling stuff. The first head tells us that stuff will happen and it will be scary. The second head is Vincent Price and he explains who all the characters are, naturally I missed most of this explanation and will mix up all the characters later. Anyway, they are all arriving at a fancy house for a party and I guess if they survive the night in the scary house they all make a lot of money. #monsterdon

I like how the jump scare with the old lady was equally silly and scary. It gave me a nice chill then I was like "lol wut? the ghost just made a silly face and then floated away?" #monsterdon

For this #monsterdon, I wonder if the house is the monster? A monstrous architecture? Or mayhap there will be a monster within the house?

I award House on Haunted Hill 5 out of 5 spooky acid skeletons. It was sufficiently spooky and I liked it. The best character is a tie between the creepy millionaire and the femme fatale waifu for their skill at misdirection and also monologues of evil. An honorable mention goes to the knife fondler for just saying "ghosts oh no ghosts! ghosts everyone!" while fondling his knife. Also shout out to the servants for leaving 5 minutes before their shift was up. #monsterdon

@jsadow@c18.masto.host oh wait, I thought of another to improve the movie: while they're zooming through time watching the other movies, the four segment door opens and a confused alien delivery dude appears with a pizza. He's like... "uh... I got a pineapple with sausage on one half here and a mushroom and green peppers on the other half. That will be 450 quatloos..." and then there's a brief interval while the three nerds and the rich asshole argue about pizza toppings and how to pay. #monsterdon

We all retire to our separate rooms and then later the pilot goes to look for Nora and finds the severed head she saw before, only it was in a closet. He takes it with her to show the knife fondler and he says "they've taken her, there's nothing you can do!" while fondling a knife. Then he hears a scream and finds the waifu hanging from the ceiling and everyone gathers to conclude that she hanged herself. Hmmm. Then the pilot finds Nora and she pleads "hide me!" #monsterdon

@jsadow@c18.masto.host it would be most impactful argument between those four in the entire film. #monsterdon

To continue the "no one believes Nora" plotline, she takes the guest to see the severed head she saw in a box, but when everyone else shows up with her the severed head is gone. I think the doctor character offers her a sedative, which makes her Very Mad. Then the rest of the guests leave to discuss her mental state so she can be alone to see more ghosts. #monsterdon

The power goes out. Nora is staring at the window during a thunderstorm and then a rope flies through the window and loops around her feet. She sees the dead waifu staring back at her through the window, evidentially commanding the ropes. Nora tells her "no" and then she leaves. Then Nora leaves the room so she can find more things to scream at. #monsterdon

Back in the fancy bedroom, we meet the millionaire and his waifu. The millionaire explains that he selected the guests so that each has a different 1950s character class (such as "stenographer", "psychiatrist" or "jet pilot). There is Notable Tension between the rich guy and the waifu where the waifu deems the spooky rich guy is jealous and possessive and the waifu wants the spooky rich guy's money. He jokes about killing her with a champagne cork, which is a Major Red Flag. #monsterdon

Oh good I love party favors that come in little coffins! Oh wait, they're all guns. That's not very gothic. Bummer. I was hoping for candy and/or drugs. #monsterdon

It's almost midnight so the millionaire explains the rules again; if anyone dies the 50,000 dollar pot will be divided between the surviving participants. If the millionaire dies (he says smiling to his waifu, because they both want to kill each other), then his estate will pay the money. Then the caretakers leave and lock the door, the millionaire is mad they left early. Nora still wants to leave. #monsterdon

Nora claims that someone grabbed her and tried to strangle her and she thinks it was the millionaire but didn't actually see who did it. The pilot tells Nora that the waifu is dead and he thinks somebody killed her. Which seems like a pretty good guess to me. #monsterdon

"Welcome to my murder mansion! Here is your gun. It comes in a little coffin." #monsterdon

While we learn about the rich guy and his waifu, the guests are left to fart around in the dining room, so one of them finds a knife and mentions that his brother or cousin or mother or somebody was killed with a knife. Then the millionaire wanders in to explain the rules of the game - they will all be locked in the house after midnight when the staff leaves and they have to stay until morning to get paid. #monsterdon

"do you know what this haunted murder house needs?" "what?" "a meeting. we should have a meeting." "okay, makes sense, i'll make some slides." #monsterdon

After the credits our characters wander around and introduce themselves to each other around the cobweb encrusted chandelier. The people explain that the guy who is offering them the money for hanging out in the house is a millionaire who only communicated them by mail; he is offering them each 10,000, or 50,000 total. I assume in 1959 that this is enough money to buy a small aircraft carrier. #monsterdon