The Victorian Liberal Party have today stated they will build 25 hybrid trains to service western lines if elected in November.
We can only assume they mean something like this.
Remote
Fake Metro Trains
@fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au
mastodon 4.7.2The official parody Metro Trains Melbourne account. #MetroTrains
@fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au on Twitter/X.
@fakemetrotrains.bsky.social on Bluesky.
621 Followers
1 Following
50 Posts
Joined November 09, 2024
Location:
Melbourne, Australia
Trains:
Probably shitfucked
Myki:
Make sure they're touched on
Trams:
suck
Throwback Thursday!
This Sept 1984 pic (photog unkwn) shows an ex-Port Melbourne Hitachi set crossing Sandridge Bridge.
Today, this line is serviced by trams. Which are stinky, extremely slow and generally great at sucking arse. Fuck trams.
Throwback Thursday!
This Aug 1983 NSW Archives pic shows the launch of the inaugural Sydney-Canberra XPT service.
Yep, we're going with this: someone got so excited they ejaculated over the front of the train.
This is the dumbest thing we've ever seen.
10/10. More please.
#MetroTrains
Throwback Thursday!
This c1980 GEHS pic shows the gatekeeper's hut near Glenhuntly.
At a time where level crossing gates were manually operated, these huts provided not only shelter for gatekeepers, but a place for a cheeky wank between trains.
Going serious here.
This is a completely fucking bullshit cunt response from Metro Trains.
Multiple safety protocols failed.
Don't fucking lowkey victim-blame, deflect responsibility and say you'll "conduct a review". Jesus fucking Christ.
We’re pleased to announce the new Myki Duo - a compact Myki that folds out in two.
Available in black or white and starting at $3,499, it does everything the current Myki does but screams “I bought this because I’m a massive wanker!”
Good morning Melbourne!
It’s a new week and you can all go fuck yourselves in the mouth. Thanks.
Let's hope WorkSafe don't figure out some of our Comeng sets are close to 45 years old.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2026-08-31/cfa-volunteers-truck-upgrades-worksafe-victoria/107096752
Good morning Melbourne!
Our new X’Trapolis 2.0 trains enter service soon and will be powered by a highly motivated hamster - eliminating expensive driver wages, rostering issues, leave requests and all that pesky union involvement.
Good morning Melbourne!
Due to industrial action buses will replace trains Dandenong-Cranbourne and Watergardens-Sunbury until further notice.
We see this as bonus outdoor time! Fresh air, traffic views and a chance to really sit with your thoughts.
METRO 5.35PM UPDATE:
ALL LINES ARE RUNNING WELL THIS EVENING WITH NO SIGNIFICANT DELAYS OR DISRUPTIONS.
ALSO HOW FUCKING COOL IS CAPS LOCK AMIRITE?
Good morning Melbourne!
Extensive delays and cancellations may be experienced across the network as we upgrade our fleet to trainOS 27.
Your patience is appreciated.
Throwback Thursday!
This c1930 VR pic shows sheep being loaded on to rail wagons at Newmarket Saleyards.
The yards closed years ago - which is a shame, because the sheep smelled nicer and behaved better than most passengers.
Throwback Thursday!
This April 1976 Peter Vincent pic shows a Harris set departing Flinders Street.
See how nice the area was before someone built a shitty concrete square over the top of it?
This c1970s pic (phtg unkwn) shows T323 hauling Hitachi shells to Somerton for final fitout.
"Hitachi" would later become known for powerful vibrations and customer satisfaction.
Any resemblance to other Hitachi products is purely coincidental.
#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday
Good morning Melbourne!
Following Jetstar's announcement to charge for overhead carry-on baggage, we've decided to follow suit.
From next Monday service delay/change notifications via our smartphone app will only be available to Premium subscribers at $29/month.
#MetroTrains
A reminder that daylight saving ends this evening and clocks go back one hour at 3am.
This does not apply to our train services, which will continue to operate on their own unique interpretation of time.
Good morning Melbourne!
Due to ongoing delays with the delivery of our new Xtrapolis 2.0 trains, we've implemented some temporary measures to keep our network running.
Good morning Melbourne!
In response to the current fuel crisis the Vic Govt has made public transport free across the state from 31st March until the end of April.
Our ticket thugs will continue to aimlessly roam the network, deprived of their natural prey.
Metro 5.25pm Update:
All lines running well this evening with no incidents or disruptions.
We had "major delays due to a track fault in the Craigieburn area" in the office sweep. Looks like we lost that one.
Other ideas we're considering:
- "Not being bashed by ticket thugs" fee
- "Air conditioned carriage" fee
- "Use of elevator/escalator to or from platform" fee
- "Priority access to a replacement bus" fee
- "Being charged a fee" fee
- "Timetable look up" fee
When your train line is suspended and you have to take a tram to work instead.
Now this is a policy we can get behind.
Throwback Thursday!
This 1992 Wayne Duncan pic shows the 4D at Flinders Street Station, a one-off double-decker train based on Sydney's Tangara design.
It was scrapped in 2006, thus restoring dignity to Melbourne's rail network.
Boosted by @GroupNebula563@mastodon.social
Posting this GIF because reasons, and also a good reminder to never touch overhead wires.
#MetroTrains
Good morning Melbourne!
All lines are running well at present with no delays, cancellations or incidents.
We haven’t checked to see if this is actually the case but let’s run with it anyway.
When you finally decide to join the dark side.
*shifts uncomfortably*
Let’s hope they don’t start investigating foreign-backed transport operators rorting the government.
Today is IDAHOBIT Day! 🏳️🌈
We don't care how you identify, dress, present, who you love or what is in your pants. You're welcome on our train services unconditionally.
Just buy a ticket and keep your feet off the seats.
It's 1am on Saturday morning, you're drunk as fuck and you're standing at Flinders St looking at the PIDs to work out which platform your train home leaves from.
"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."
Throwback Thursday!
This 1981 Kevin Wright pic shows T403 leading a freight train near Heathcote Junction.
The excessive smoke from the locos suggest all three were cosplaying as steam trains that day.
Good morning Melbourne!
Minor delays on the Werribee line this morning due to inclement weather.
That’s right. Our rail network shits itself with a little bit of fog.
Good morning Melbourne!
Services on the Frankston line are currently delayed at Malvern due to a tram blocking the track.
When you're not into pop culture and you've got no idea what the shit is going on.
As we wrap things up this Star Wars Day, remember: always use the force, but never force open train doors.
Just for today we're renaming Ginifer.
Metro 5.30pm Update:
Heavy rains across parts of Melbourne this afternoon.
Given our rail infrastructure is not rated to handle any type of weather we're quite surprised there's no major delays, incidents or other shitfuckery.
Throwback Thursday!
This 1967 Graham Butler pic shows Jolimont Yards.
The view was quite nice until it was turned into a sports hub whose patrons still rely on the trains it displaced.
Metro 5.30pm Update:
Lots of heavy rain across Melbourne this evening.
Let's hope this leads to lots of no trains this evening.
You: My train terminated early due to an incident. How do I find the bus replacement services?
The station staff:
When you're chilling on the train and plain clothes ticket thugs suddenly announce their presence.
Metro 5.35pm Update:
Minor delays on the Hurstbridge and Werribee lines this evening because fuck you, that’s why.
BREAKING: The RBA have today increased the official cash rate to 4.35% in an effort to curb growing inflation.
Coincidentally, we've increased Myki fares today in an effort to make more money.