Lesbian Death Bed

1 Mr Beast: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the most dangerous game Richard Connell: hey wait a second

1 [mysterious circle of robed figures] Kathleen Stock: dark lord! dark lord! Stock: terrible news!! Stock: the feile en phobail art festival says we can't run our usual genital inspection booth! JK Rowling: WHAT Rowling: thisss iss an outrage!! Rowling: the people LOVE our genital insspection booth!!

1 Zach London: you know that sinking feeling that you get when you click on a youtube video that looks cool but then you realize it's AI slop made by an unfeeling machine? London: what if you could also get that feeling in a movie theater? London: gentlemen i give you gossip goblin

7 Scalzi: you know, when they write the definitive history of sci fi Scalzi: i'd like to be remembered as the guy who made humor marketable again Koontz: gosh! what about terry Pratchett? Terry Pratchett: i'd like to be remembered as the guy who made soup marketable again Pratchett: [drinking soup] mm! lecker!

11 Blatty: enemies? who could possibly hate my beloved Chicago pope?! [meanwhile] Peter Thiel: [sweating like a baked ham, eyes ping ponging] the Chicago pope is in league with the gay trans catboy jews of the Chinese communist party and the space mutants , in conjunction with the RAND corporation, to elect greta Thunberg as Chicago antichrist Dan Simmons: sounds legit

6 Mary Shelley: sup fuckers King: we're talking about maine politics Shelley: [stabs King] no you ain't King: oooow! Mary!! Shelley: sorry steve, i know it hurts but you have to understand Shelley: i really wanted to do it Shelley: fuckin maine!

8 Scalzi: well, terry Pratchett is technically fantasy Koontz: what about douglas adams? Scalzi: ok sure, yeah there's douglas adams Scalzi: that's fair Scalzi: i can't compete with that

2 King: ha ha! these joke flavors are hilarious! King: leave it to acclaimed humorist john scalzi to come up with a funny new twist on an old favorite! Scalzi: joke flavors?!? Scalzi: i mean Scalzi: yeah... joke flavors... Scalzi: yeah that's the ticket Scalzi: i am quite the humorist aren't i?

6 Scalzi: ok so see, in star trek- Barker: OH it's a star trek reference? Barker: sorry i don't speak nerd Poe: clive stop it, you know good and well what it's a reference to

5 Scalzi: you might not have noticed this, but there's actually quite a bit of humor in my writing Barker: you don't say Poe: clive Scalzi: no really! Scalzi: take redshirts Barker: explain Scalzi: i mean, the title alone... ho ho ho! Barker: Barker: i'm waiting

4 Scalzi: in fact, i actually am a humorist Scalzi: i used to write for a little thing called uncle john's bathroom reader Dean Koontz: OMG are you uncle john? Scalzi: oh no no i was just one of many writers Scalzi: then again Scalzi: [muttering to self] why SHOULDN'T i be uncle john?

1 Zach London: so as you can see London: the time has come to submit to gossip goblin London: the age of human creativity is at an end London: now is the age of the goblin

9 Scalzi: but i meant besides douglas adams Koontz: what about Robert asprin? Scalzi: oh COME ONE NOW Scalzi: you can't be serious! Scalzi: I'm twice as funny as that guy!

3 Poe: actually steve, i'd say john is more of a sci fi guy than a humorist Scalzi: i'm glad you brought that up, edgar Scalzi: because that's a misconception that I've been meaning to fix for a while

7 Pope Leo: see these society of st pius x jabronis wanna play hardball? Pope Leo: i just ask myself, what would Gandalf do Pope Leo: would he just let the necromancer secretly regain his orc-hold strength at dol Guldur after the downfall of númenor? Pope Leo: and i thought Pope Leo: no he wouldn't! JRR Tolkien: finally! someone who understands my work!

6 sospx: y sospx: you can't do that! sospx: the last pope would NEVER have done that!! Pope Leo: yeah i ain't da last pope Pope Leo: i'm from Chicago

6 Bontrager: there is something that you should know about this obsessed academic though Bontrager: it's that he's a massive jerk! Bontrager: who is sleeping with his grad student! Lovecraft: hey! what are you trying to pull here?? Lovecraft: this isn't the literary fiction campfire!

3 GRR Martin: what's all this now? JRR Tolkien: larry correia says you ruined epic fantasy Martin: ha ha yeah probably Martin: who's larry correia Tolkien: oh you know, the sad puppy guy

5 sospx: so anyway you're not the boss of us sospx: you can't tell us what to do sospx: i mean ha ha like what are you even going to do sospx: like excommunicate us or something ha ha Pope Leo: yeah, you're excommunicated sospx: [surprised pikachu face]

10 Pope Leo: that's right Pope Leo: i'm the Chicago pope Pope Leo: i don't care who's toes i step on Pope Leo: i'm gonna make a lotta enemies Pope Leo: like when theoden of rohan lead the rohirrim at the battle of the pelennor fields to save minas tiri Pope Leo: yeah it's just like dat

5 Martin: wait aren't you the guy that got owned by chuck tingle Correia: [sputtering] i i i Correia: NO Correia: chuck tingle did not own me! Martin: yeah i'm pretty sure he did Martin: now that was some classy shit

4 King: look i'm just saying King: there's a rapist in the white house King: but suddenly being a rapist is disqualifying? King: i mean, they get a rapist, we should get to have a rapist too King: oh that came out wrong King: i sure hope nobody notices on the internet

8 Bontrager: cuz it turns out that the eldritch god of this obelisk Bontrager: forces you to confront your greatest trauma and atone Koontz: like the guy in Star Trek V?? Bontrager: Bontrager: what Bontrager: no

9 Pope Leo: you're all schismed now Pope Leo: an if you wanna come back, you gotta write "i am very very sorry for rejecting Vatican II" a hundred million times Pope Leo: IN INK sospx: nooooo we can't not be mad about Vatican ii sospx: you don't understanddddd sospx: we really hate jewsss Pope Leo: ey then you can all get fucked Pope Leo: i'm da Chicago pope!

3 Blatty: this is just like during the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Meketrex Supplicants, when many Shubs and Zulls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of a Sloar that day, I can tell you! Blatty: don't act so confused Blatty: you all should have learned about that in CCD

8 sospx: no fair!! no fair!! sospx: we shouldn't have to listen to the pope to be catholic! sospx: that's not how it works! Pope Leo: eyyy who here's got da papal infallibility? sospx: [mumbles] Pope Leo: what's dat? speak up sospx: you Pope Leo: you're damn right it's me

2 Bontrager: so this big giant obelisk just rises up out of the ocean HP Lovecraft: out of the o-ocean?? Bontrager: yup! right out of the deepest watery, sodden depths Lovecraft: [sweats] nothing good comes from down there

6 Poe: it's about the wafers Strieber: the what Poe: communion wafers Poe: you know when you eat the body of christ in a wafer Strieber: what Kim Newman: like the tom lehrer song Strieber: what

2 Blatty: this is like when the blessed council of garbanza rectified the confluence of the discalced silurians in 1232! Poe: King: Koontz: Lovecraft: Barker: Blatty: c'mon it's so obvious! Blatty: it's like a one to one correlation! Poe: King: Koontz: Lovecraft: Barker: Blatty: i don't know how you can't see the parallels

4 Society of st pius x: anyway you're not even our real pope sospx: it's not like we even have to listen to you sospx: you're not the boss of us sospx: hey pope leo does this bug you sospx: we're not touching youuu ha ha

4 Bontrager: now naturally when you see a giant obelisk rise out of the sea Bontrager: you would probably think it was related to that ancient eternal ocean-based cult that we all know and love Lovecraft: an ocean based cult?? Bontrager: yes Bontrager: very sodden Bontrager: much watery

5 Bontrager: so naturally an obsessed academic investigates Lovecraft: oh an obsessed academic? i like this part Bontrager: yeah, i thought you would! Barker: oh wow, howard likes an obsessed academic? Barker: what a surprise Barker: someone alert the media

2 Poe: steve you don't have to finish that thought Barker: no no let him talk Barker: you're definitely gonna want to keep talking steve Barker: you know what they say about that hole Poe: Poe: what do they say about that hole Barker: you gotta keep digging it Poe: oh! Poe: right

4 Poe: it's actually about his conversion to catholicism Strieber: what? no aliens? Strieber: how am i supposed to podcast about that? Strieber: no one wants to hear about a dude being catholic! Barker: i don't know, anne is p into catholicism this week lol Anne Rice: it's the one true faith for now!

1 Slimyswampghost: finally! after all these years! SSG: it's happening! SSG: it's the sirenhead movie! Koontz: oo! i love sirenhead! Koontz: does he dance in this movie? SSG: SSG: no Koontz: aw but i like when sirenhead dances

7 Bontrager: but he puts together a team Bontrager: but it turns out that everyone on this team has a dark secret Bontrager: and before the end, in this watery tomb… Bontrager: all secrets will be revealed! Bontrager: all questions will be answered! Bontrager: all socks will be sodden!

3 Barker: just keep talking King: ok i will! King: thanks for the support clive! Barker: you know i always have your back pal Poe: clive stop instigating things Poe: it's not funny this time

5 King: but there's no other way to get rid of susan collins King: i hate susan collins! Susan Collins: ha ha guess you're stuck with me forever! ha ha! King: ooo! i hate you SO MUCH! Collins: hey don't worry Collins: since you like platner so much Collins: maybe i'll nominate him to the supreme court

4 Correia: I'm not just the sad puppy guy!!! i'm a legitimate writer! Correia: no one writes epic fantasy with 100% accurate to reality gun descriptions like me! Correia: publishers should be beating down my door! Correia: this is because of woke!

5 Strieber: well i guess welcome jd vance to the show or whatever Strieber: to tell his boring take on communion Strieber: which i guess isn't even about communing with aliens Strieber: i mean i don't even get the connection between that title and catholicism Strieber: wait i'm being handed a note

7 JD Vance: jd vance so grateful that master allows jd vance to go on dreamland podcast to promote jd vance's communion book Vance: master is so good to jd vance Vance: master allows jd vance to sleep on master's floor and eat master's garbage Vance: as vance deserves Vance: master is so good!

3 Poe: whitley i think you should know Poe: JD Vance's communion book isn't about aliens Strieber: of course not Strieber: we prefer to call them "star people" Poe: right sure Strieber: it's less othering Poe: well it's not about them either

2 Strieber: on today's episode, we've got the author of the new book communion Strieber: and i'm not talking about me Strieber: i'm pleased to announce that the vice president of the united states has also met aliens Strieber: wait i'm being handed a note right now

3 Wile E Young: gotta love an obelisk Bontrager: i know, right?! Bontrager: they're the best Bontrager: especially from the sea Young: oh i don't know Bontrager: ESPECIALLY FROM THE SEA

1 [mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: finally my evil plan reachesss fruition Rowling: it'ss taken me yearss of careful planning but finally Rowling: finally!!! Rowling: finally we can defeat the sscourge of human rightsss