Janel Comeau

I have taken
the Tylenol
that was in
the medicine cabinet

and which
they think probably
is the reason
you like trains

forgive me
but that’s bullshit
you got autism
from your dad

I have tariffed
the penguins
that are on
Heard Island

and which
you were probably
assuming
did not export goods

forgive me
they were taking advantage of us
so cunning
and so cold

daily Chinese news headline: Scientists grow the world’s first functional human spine replacement from a single drop of blood

daily American news headline: White House declares that sunburns are caused by bees

I love old-timey cocktail recipe books, they'll go "here's a light and refreshing drink, perfect for a summer afternoon" and then list off ingredients for a concoction that could melt clean through the hull of an ocean liner

trying not to watch the news right now, I don’t want any spoilers for the book I’m reading

I actually don’t feel as fine as R.E.M. led me to believe I would

5pm on November 1: let’s go for a walk, it’s still light out!

5pm on November 2: an early darkness blankets the land. Fallow fields lay bone-bleached by moonlight. The last memories of summer fade into oblivion. The last echoes of hope lapse into baleful silence.

when I have to pretend I’m not sheltering John Oliver in my basement but the authorities can hear him yelling about rat erotica through the floorboards

America is the only country in the world that could bring in fascism and end up with worse trains

the 4 types of national anthems:

- Gosh, This Sure is an Attractive Piece of Land We've Got Here

- That One War in Particular was a Doozy

- We Only Sing Parts of This Song Now Because the Other Verses are Racist

- We Speak French and We Will Fucking Kill You

dear diary, it has been 437 days since my husband disappeared under mysterious circumstances. alas, I am unable to inform the police, for I am a mere woman.

will never understand how Canadians became known for saying “eh” when we should be known for our ability to make the phase “okay buddy” mean everything from “of course I will give my life for yours” to “I am the drunkest man alive and I am going to fight you in this parking lot”

currently trapped inside due to the 907th severe weather alert of the year, so I decided to draw a comic about it

I have eaten
the brain
that was in
RFK Jr

and which
he was probably
saving
to run for President

forgive me
it was delicious
and I am just
a worm

the east coast: I drew you a nice, hot bath

me: in the bathtub?

the east coast: in the air all around you :)

the east coast: there is no escape :)

thought the worst thing would be going about daily life while everyone just ignores the collapse of society but it turns out the actual worst thing is having 27 conversations per day that go “did you see the news alert? yeah, bleak times we live in. anyway, can you get this to me by Friday?”

if you say the words “wow I have a busy couple of weeks ahead of me”, even in your own head, every single one of your current Libby holds will descend upon you all at once like wolves on a limping deer

"why do you support your tax dollars going to subsidized daycare if you don't have kids" because if other people can't afford to have kids the only staff at my nursing home when I'm old will be a pill organizer scotch-taped to a roomba

no one:

some Disney exec in 1995: obviously children won’t understand the theme of architectural preservation in the original Hunchback of Notre Dame. so write a song about the corruption of religious power and sexual resentment disguised as piety. I’ll book the chamber choir.

POV: you just ate a piece of cheese and your dog can smell it on your fingers

A couple of months ago I thought “hey I wonder if I can write stupid jokes for the internet AND incredibly bleak poetry” and now I am both surprised and delighted to announce that my first published poem is out in issue #17 of The Ana