Uncle Duke

I’m not sure why I’m getting such a kick out of this, but on my walk this morning, my foot slid on something laying on the sidewalk. Looking down, angry and expecting to see a pile of dog crap, I found, much to my delight, that for the first time in my life, I’d actually slipped on a banana peel.

I don’t think it will all fit in there.

"What happened?"
"I’m stuck. It's so embarrassing."
“I guess things went... a-rye?”
“Please do shut up.”
"You should get out of the sun."
"Why?"
"Otherwise, you'll be toast."
"You're an asshole, Charlie."
“You’re right, you deserve butter.”

about time someone called that motherfucker out

my best guess is a vampire fell asleep on it last night

the rare duck-billed platypup

Not enough has been written about Schrödinger’s assistant, Otto.

[animal shelter]

“I see Mittens is back again?”
“Yeah, third time now.”
“Who dropped him off?”
“Dunno, some dude with one arm.”

except chickens, because fuck chickens

“This is awesome! Don’t you think this is awesome? So awesome!”

“You are SO immature.”

John's calves burned with each step, and a sharp pain pierced his abdomen. As he neared the safety of daylight, the sound of webbed feet slapping concrete grew louder. He risked a look over his shoulder, and found himself staring directly into the beady eyes of fate. He screamed.

when two of your friends start hooking up and the rest of you know it’ll end in disaster

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

not sure if this is a cat going into a toilet or an elephant coming out

for the potato fears not death

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

brought to you by the same species that landed on the moon

“Very funny, Jesus. Give it back.”

my best guess is a vampire fell asleep on it last night

goddamnit the toilet’s running again

i got a cheese omelette, home fries, and a subpoena

“Alright Dave, listen to me and listen carefully. I hid everything before I got busted. Get me outta here, and I’ll split it with you 50/50. There’s candy wrappers, toilet paper tubes, some rancid bologna, and half a Hot Pocket. Now, open up the cage before the guard comes back.”

my sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

you’re not the boss of me

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Egyptian pharaohs were often buried with special statues made to hold small stacks of Pringles in case they got hungry during their journey into the afterlife.

On a foggy early morning walk through my quiet suburban town today, I watched as other trudging figures began slowly emerging from the mist, and suddenly I felt like I was a member of the cast of a zombie apocalypse film comprised exclusively of middle-aged white guys.

♫ When you’re a Pet
♫ You’re a Pet all the way

"Night shift again, Harry?"
"Someone has to patrol the streets."
"Get you something to eat?"
"How's the tuna today?"
"Edible."
"I'll have a sandwich then, Doreen."
"You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy."

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

[tomb]

MARY MAGDALENE: *gasps* Where did he go?

[Olive Garden]

SERVER: Everything okay here?

JESUS: [stuffing breadsticks in his mouth] These things are friggin’ fantastic.

it seems unsanitary to hug the same flag you wipe your ass with

Exhausted and dehydrated, I slowly walk the last few steps. “This has to be it,” I think to myself. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and turn the handle, whispering a little prayer as I step through. I open my eyes and the last trickle of hope leaks away. I am still in IKEA.

Owen was struggling to come to terms with his imminent demise