M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™

Saturn puns have a nice ring to them.

Only you can prevent florist Friars

"Sorry. I didn't mean to push all your buttons. I was searching for mute."

If you sucked playing brass, that might have been the problem.

"Urology. Can you hold?"

A piano is still the hardest instrument to pick up.

How do you make a hotdog stand? Take away its chair

Pirates' favorite grouping of musical notes: Arrrrpeggio.

What do you get crossing a Hip-Hop artist with The Theory of Relativity? E = MC Hammer Squared.

After E-flat leaves the bar, C and G have an open fifth between them ...

Avoid alleys populated with mimes. They will do unspeakable things.

At the football game, why'd the band go out, make a "T" and "I" then leave? It was a halftime show.

More tree puns? Oak-ay with me.

The two young cooks soon became zest friends

Liam loaded AOL mail.

I'm still tired from yesterday's tired.

Man walks by a tall, wooden fence and hears a voice whispering, "Thirteen ... Thirteen." He looks in a peep hole and gets poked in the eye. "Fourteen ... Fourteen"

Pam to her fruit monger: "You drive me bananas"

People who hid valuables under the floorboards must have loved the arrival of wall-to-wall carpets.

Anti-phonal: the banning of cell phones in the concert hall.

"What's a bassoon's range?" "About 30 yards with a good arm!"

Dill piccolino: wind instrument with a tendency to play sour notes.

Cooks who love spelling serve Eggs Benedictionary.

Frog textbook writers use "ibid" a lot.

On road trips, Mickey, Donald, Goofy and friends listen to car tunes.

I wondered what that dark funnel shape was in the distance and then it hit me.

Coffee. Then adulting.

An Irish tribe births Irina.

Start your weekend with a cup of hope.

I should have saved my first one this morning - "Bean me up, Scotty" - for Sept. 8th. That's the 60th anniversary of the first time we oldsters heard Shatner split an infinitive in that memorable open.

Apparently "that's what she said" was once "said the lady to the bishop."

Lloyd and his hair had a falling out.

Pepper puns are still hot stuff.

Life is a journey. I'm on a toll road.

The percussionists wouldn't stop, being on a roll.

Move along. Muffin to see here!

Ham it up today.

Why are top-tier comedians so good at quieting hecklers when they give them "the look?" Because with great dour comes great response ability.

An officer followed a woman who was knitting while driving. He got on the PA and said, "Pull over!" She opened her window and shouted, "No. Cardigan!"

Evaluate someone just on body shape? One shouldn't be defined by definition.

"I appreciate this opportunity for a lengthy exchange of business ideas but I'm very, very busy right now."

Which model RV has a hole in the center? Winnebagel.

Not sure my ears are the greatest but I've heard good things.

"Reacher" returns tomorrow. I've missed the big lug.

Stand up haberdashers tailor their jokes to the crowd.

Able was I, ere I saw Elba.

Just ordered "You Ain't Going to Diminish ME, Buddy" by Miss Ogyny.

Go demand a bad name, Dog!

Two sailors talking in a tanj: "Blub." "Blub Blub."

@alexadeswift@lgbtqia.space Thought it sharp.