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LaffGaff
@LaffGaff@mastodon.world
mastodon 4.7.3Official account of LaffGaff.com, the home of fun and laughter. Enjoy our daily Dad jokes!
251 Followers
13 Following
50 Posts
Joined December 19, 2022
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When she heard me sing for the first time, my music teacher said I should sing tenor.
Tenor twelve miles away from her.
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.
I hate when people go on about their phobias.
I’m terrified of heights but you won’t hear me shouting about it from the rooftops.
My new job requires me to lift heavy boxes, but I’m not strong enough.
I’m gonna have to turn in my too-weak notice.
My wife orders so much from Amazon that if I got a job as an Amazon driver they’d probably just let me work from home.
In a freak orchestra accident, I was hit on the head by a xylophone.
I fear I may have percussion.
My wife said we need to stop traveling so much and start saving money.
So I went by myself and saved 50%.
A truck load of Lego bricks has overturned on the freeway.
Police say they don’t know what to make of it.
Superman has cancelled his fight with Dracula because he can’t go near the crypt tonight.
I was in the kitchen and knocked over all the mince, rice and spices.
It was chilli con carnage.
My printer complained when I used the wrong color of ink.
It said, “Don’t use that tone with me”.
What do you call a guy who paints pictures of bikes on church ceilings?
Cycleangelo.
I was expecting my new knife to work well with meats.
But it’s just not cutting it.
I smashed a sheet of glass and I can’t find the last part.
It’s a bit of a pane.
A friend of mine got a job as a judge for a mime talent contest.
It’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch.
The recipe said “chill in the fridge for twenty minutes”.
There’s no way I’ll fit in my fridge.
My mirror ball and my smoke machine stopped working.
Guess I’ll have to call a disco tech to fix them.
This guy told me his friend Jack invented the hot tub.
I said, “Jack, who’s he?”
My wife told me the leftover chicken would make a great sandwich.
It’s been an hour since I took it out of the fridge, and it still hasn’t made me a sandwich.
I’m confused, how can a cemetery raise its funeral prices…
And blame it on the cost of living!
Why do ducks make the best detectives?
Because they always manage to quack the case.
An anaesthetist friend of mine has just passed his exams.
Next he has a passing out parade.
I went to the bank to sort out my mortgage and got directed to someone dressed as a cowboy.
I think he was the loan arranger.
Orange fizzy drinks are so much better when you put a piece of cinnamon into them.
Fanta stick.
How can you tell if a treasure map was written by a pirate chicken?
Eggs marks the spot.
My friend wouldn’t stop going on about how to make his folder smaller.
I told him to zip it.
I landed a part in a community theater production about a giant bakery.
I wouldn’t say I was the star, but I did play a big roll.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He’s fully recovered now.
I saw a group of pheasants and partridges dressed as clowns.
I thought, "They're game for a laugh".
I told my therapist, "I think I'm addicted to Instagram."
She said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'm following you."