DocAtCDI

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well... They're not laughing now.

Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... But I don't like to point fingers.

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit anything.

Elevators terrify me. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

While most puns make me feel numb, math puns make me feel number.

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.

If you aren't someone the church would have persecuted 400 years ago, are you even living?

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Me: Good news, please. Doctor: We're naming a disease after you.

I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day. It's still syncing.

The 90s were hard. You could end up not knowing something for days.

FUN FACT: If you sneeze and fart at the same time... Your body takes a screenshot.

Can anyone tell me if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe?

My friends and I are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.

All the king's men: We need some kind of adhesive. All the king's horses: Why is everyone looking at us?

Teacher: I'm your son's teacher and I'm calling to tell you that he is a compulsive liar. Woman: And he's a good one. I don't have a son.

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said, 'Dead batteries - $1 each.' I thought to myself, These should be free of charge.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines... She's a Singer-Songwriter.

I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rearview mirror to dim the headlights. So I removed the mirror and haven't looked back since.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goalposts? Annette

Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I'll give you an arm wrestle for them!

My parents just said they want another child. 'I'd love a sibling!' I said. 'That's not what we meant,' they replied.

The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.

My coworker accidentally drank from my Starbucks cup and said, 'Your coffee tastes just like rum.' . . . Weird, huh...

My fingers always go numb on the ride into work. I'm sure it's carpool tunnel syndrome...

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the Marines is? I asked a Marine, and all he would say is, 'It's Private.'

Electricians have to strip to make ends meet...

I just swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof.

News just in... The guy who took an airline company to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.

I met a man named Jim Apple the other day. He has trouble introducing himself in France.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

I must go now... my planet needs me.

Went to the aquarium today. Really enjoyed the Dolphins. Me and them just clicked.

Why did Lieutenant Worf change his hair color? Because today is a good day to dye...

My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, 'Which one do you want?' I said I'd take either/oar.

I got fired from my job as a restaurant manager today after one of my staff lost three fingers in an electric food mixer... Apparently, I failed to do a proper whisk assessment.

If you've heard of Murphy's Law, which is that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, then have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage...

Fitness Center for Trekkies: He's Dead Gym...

Why don't you ever see a MAGA hat at a magic show? Because they just disappear when you ask for a fact!

I swear to drunk I'm not God... But seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old nephew this morning. There was a lot of crying and 'nobody wants me on their team' and 'I haven't got any friends.' Anyway, he was very nice and gave me some good tips on how to be more sociable.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says: 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!' The grasshopper says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'

I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

Which person from a book would make the worst roommate? Probably the Invisible Man--he'd always be sneaking around.

In my many years on this planet, I've learned one very important lesson that I'm going to pass on to you guys: She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries.

I bought a horse, his name is Mayo. Guess what Mayo does? Mayo-neighs.

What do computers and air conditioners have in common? They both become useless once you open windows.

My memory is so bad. How bad is it? How bad is what?